Bruce has brought such healing to our family and such joy into our lives. We are celebrating new life. Yes, I miss Bentlee. I am sad she died. I have also accepted this loss and am at as much peace as I can be. I know she was created for God's glory and His purpose in her short life is accomplished. I could tell you so many things I've learned from her miscarriage.
Our original intent was to have a hysterectomy after she was born. To be done having children. It was never about a number (we had 3 living children at the time), or even an age, just that God would guide us. I was (am) in so much pain, I have had so many miscarriages, so many health issues during pregnancy, etc. We thought a hysterectomy would solve some of my pain issues.
When she died we learned I have a blood-clotting disorder, an unspecified thrombophillia, and if I used the typical hormones post-hysterectomy I could get a blood clot and die, without warning. Same with all the hormonal birth control methods I had been using to manage pain. Her death saved my life. We were unsure if we could go through this again. Losing a child is a pain without compare. I went to a place so low only God could pull me out. Though I know He could guide us through another loss, I didn't want to go there.
I look at Bruce and know - this is a child we were meant to have. He was always in God's plans for us. He is a blessing God has given us to heal our family. He truly is the desire of my heart. And if Bentlee was here now, on Earth, in my lap, Bruce would not be. Do not misunderstand. I am not choosing one child over the other. There is never replacing a child. I am not happy she died. I am acknowledging what a blessing Bruce is and stating how grateful I am he exists.
He is worth every single stab and poke - blood thinner injections daily the entire pregnancy, IV fluids every other day for months, and P17 shots (to prevent preterm labor) weekly for 20 weeks. He is worth every day I spent for months collapsed in a weak, exhausted heap over the toilet. Nothing would stay down. Hyperemesis is more than morning sickness, it is an all consuming nausea that halts life. I lived in a pregnancy coma for eight months. My face was sallow and covered in blood spots from all the vomiting.
Every day I lived in a perpetual state of fear (eased only by the weekly appointment showing a healthy heartbeat), falling daily on my knees before the Lord, begging for the strength to make it through the day. That He would ease my anxiety and calm my worries. This is my 12th pregnancy. I was carrying twins, but by week 8 one baby did not have a heartbeat. By week 11, gone. Vanishing twin syndrome, no trace he/she ever existed. That makes 9 babies in Heaven. I can't do this, Lord, nothing is worth this fear.
We haven't made our birth control plans for life yet. Our current plan is only a temporary solution. We are still seeking clarity from the Lord. And we are living without regret.