Overwhelming my head with too many thoughts prevents me from really connecting, really crying out to the Lord. It also makes it so much harder to see the fruits of prayer. This 30 minutes, after the kids are in bed and Bruce is sleeping on my lap and I am free of distractions, is focused on going deeper into just one thing.
My husband called earlier on his break and asked how the day was going. "Just ignore Dean screaming in the background" I replied sheepishly, "I won't let him play on the Nook till he cleans up his toys, so he's mad." I'm embarrassed. Here my husband is, working hard, on very little sleep, without complaint. Then here I am, unable to "keep the kids under control (my words, not his)."
I do not envy my husband's position as the head of our home. I do not want the burden of providing financially for the 6 of us and I lack the emotional strength to be the spiritual head of our family. It occurs to me that while he works, I have been saddled with the task of raising our children. While this is a tremendous blessing and often a lot of fun (even on the worst day, it is more enjoyable than any other calling I could be given, and more rewarding), it is also a bit terrifying.
I am responsible, in large part, for the people these children someday become! This is not a nature versus nurture debate, rather a realization that I play a large role in who they will be as adults. My husband is a good man, a faithful provider who adores his children and spends as much time with them as he is able, but the bulk of the child rearing is up to me. This is my work, my job. The overwhelm I felt a few minutes ago has got nothing on what I'm feeling now!
It is clear that I must focus tonight's prayers on God equipping me for this amazing calling. We started school today and since educating my children is part of my parenting responsibilities (as we have felt called to home school) I better pray about that while I'm at it. I am reminded of King Solomon in 1 Kings 3:
I praise you, Lord, that I can come to you with these requests. The responsibility of parenting is great and I cannot do it on my own. Enable and equip me for all that you have called me to do. Know, dear God, that I am grateful that you have blessed me with this great responsibility!