Saturday, July 6, 2013

I still miss you

**Trigger Warning - Photographs Contain Graphic Content**
My dearest daughter, Bentlee Patricia, born too soon.  I thought of you today.  Between some friends also experiencing losses and photos showing up in my newsfeed from a Facebook Infant Loss Support Group, I am seeing you everywhere.  A recent debate about abortion has me thinking of you. At 18 weeks you could not "sustain life on your own" outside the womb but it is undeniable you are a person.
I have my Rainbow Baby - Bruce has brought such healing to our lives.  But I still miss you.  The hurt is no longer fresh and raw, but my heart is still aching. Life goes forward but it's different.  I have anxiety about my existing children - especially baby Bruce. I have a deep appreciation for them, and parent differently now (with more love and patience).  I have a peace that God has a purpose in both her life and her death.  I know that because He has given me comfort I may be able to comfort others.  But as I do so, Lord give me strength.  Because I miss you, and it hurts, a deep hurt right in my heart.

We talk about you. Julia still insists she is a "quadruple big sister" even though she has only 3 living siblings. Dean (he's 4 now) will say you are in Heaven with Jesus.  He points to your beach photo and says "Bentlee's in the sky with Jesus."  You'd be 2 now. I hate potty training. If I hadn't lost you I may be writing today complaining of that instead of knowing how deeply, absolutely I am blessed.  Thank you for showing me that.
I never asked "Why me?" because I know.  It will strengthen my ministry- I can say to others who are experiencing this loss that it doesn't hurt this bad forever.  It does get better.  There will come a time, you may not believe it now, where an entire day will go by without tears.  And then 2 days in a row.  And someday you will be able to say to another "it gets better." And offer comfort.  But there are always going to be days when it hurts again, when the pain is raw and fresh and real. These are the days I can come to God and beg for strength.  Losing you brings me closer to Him. I look forward to holding you again in Heaven.