Thursday, December 8, 2016

My PAL Journey: Weeks 20-26

In my last post, I shared I was struggling greatly with anxiety and worry about the baby.  While there obviously is still some of that - that is natural for someone with my history - I am grateful to say the panic has decreased.

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  -Isaiah 40:31

Our Pastor has been doing a sermon series on Sundays about the search for meaning in our lives. While this was not on Mothering specifically, the general concept is that our purpose, worth, value, and meaning are not found in this world.  Not in work, accomplishment, money, relationships, or success.  Our value is in Christ alone.  My worth is as a Christian.  My purpose for being is to worship Him.

I caught myself telling God "Okay, you need to keep this baby alive because being a mom is my whole world.  My purpose for existence is being a mom.  I could not go on without my children."  I stopped mid-prayer.  Wait a minute.  Isn't my soul's purpose found in Christ?  Do not all my children belong to Him? If I wasn't a mom I would still have value.  

For sure my children are more precious to me than anything on this earth.  But God's in control, not me.  It is scary when things are outside of my control.  In that, I can put my Hope in the Lord.  My Hope goes deeper than a longing.  My Trust is in the Lord.  My Purpose is in Him.  My Rest is in the Lord.

If this is true then I am more than a mom.  I still adore motherhood.  But I always felt that was what defined me and it is not.  So much peace is found in placing my soul's value - my sole purpose - in God.  Fear's power over me is fading and losing ground.  I so dearly love this baby boy.  I want him to arrive healthy and breathing and hold him in my arms.  But the intense grip fear had on me is loosening as I find my purpose in Christ.  

I am sure I am not saying any of this eloquently and don't misinterpret this to mean I don't place high value in my work as a mom or that I don't have deep love for my kids.  Just to say my anxiety is decreasing.  I don't necessarily feel "safe" or "secure" about the pregnancy, just peace.  

It helps that Little Man is kicking and I feel movement throughout the day, which brings a lot of reassurance with it.  Look at this crazy ultrasound photo of his feet right up by his head!