Sunday, February 28, 2016

Losing Oliver: Part 3 - The In-Between {Scriptures for Miscarriage}

 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” –Isaiah 43:2

These photos show me snuggling with Oliver and his bunny.  Once home my boys were fascinated by Oliver's bunny and blanket & Bruce especially has been spending a lot of time hugging them. They know it is a stuffed animal and not actually a baby but seem to understand that it is special.  Bruce says "oooh, so cute" before giving the bunny kisses.

Dear Friend who asked me how I am doing - I sincerely apologize for not having an answer.  It's a question I do not know HOW to answer because I am entering the In-Between.  I am okay or great or devastated depending on when you ask (as in it changes hour to hour).  Dear Sweet Friend - THANK YOU for asking.  It means the world to me, it really does. 

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Losing Oliver: Part 2 - Birth Story & Meeting My Son

Every birth story is beautiful.  Oliver's story is precious to me.  He has blessed me so much in his short life & I'll forever be grateful God has gifted me this treasure in heaven.  His story - even from conception - is so amazing & I grieve that it was so short.

I've been so sick I hadn't been taking many baby bump pictures so we snapped this last one in the hospital at 17 weeks 4 days (the day before he was actually born).

As much as I was in a hurry to meet my baby boy (as my pregnancy had not been easy & was wrought with anxiety) I was NOT prepared to meet him so soon.  We left the clinic Friday afternoon (where we found there was no longer a heartbeat) and were scheduled to return to the Mother Baby Center at the hospital at 6 that evening.

My mother & sister were waiting for us when we got there - they stayed the entire time, well past when Oliver was born.  I can say that having them there, that support, was an extreme comfort to me.  In fact, my support system in general right now is tremendous. My cup truly runneth over.

**Trigger Warning** 

Before I share the beautiful (detail-filled) story of Baby Oliver's birth I want to warn you of the graphic nature of the content.  I am including photos of his precious life at the end & if this is difficult for you to look at please be warned not to continue scrolling.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Losing Oliver: Part 1 (Denial)

I don't want to go through this again. It can't be real. It just can't. Numb. I'm numb. I keep telling Dan this isn't real, I am dreaming.  This is me asleep and any minute I will wake up and this won't be real anymore. Seriously, I can't go to the hospital - to the birth center - to deliver a dead baby. Again.

While all the women around me are having the happiest day of their lives I am having the worst. Again. I'd ask "Why?" but no answer would satisfy me.  I'm so broken.  I don't know how to live through this. I don't want to.

Yesterday was wrought with anxiety and fear.  I am 17 & a half weeks - this is the point of pregnancy I lost Bentlee and had to deliver her.  It is also almost the due date of the baby I lost this summer.  My paranoid meter was off the charts.  It has been for a week.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

My Pregnancy Journey: Gender Reveal & 16 Week Update

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Pregnancy, for me, physically, is miserable. I'm in so much pain and am so sick that it can be all-consuming.  It's discouraging to still not feel well - especially with newer ailments that increase as I get further along (like the back/pelvic pain).  That's why days like today are so encouraging - they remind me WHY I love being pregnant (or at least why pregnancy is WORTH it).