Monday, December 21, 2015
I am in constant awe of how God answers prayers in a specific way. Last night, prior to today's doctor appointment, my prayer was for CLEAR, absolute, and ACCURATE information. Yes, Lord, I desire for my child to be alive - to have them safe in my arms this summer. But trusting in Him means trusting that He is with me even in the bad.
This summer when we lost the baby it was weeks wrought with "maybes." Maybe my dates were wrong. Maybe the growth will be better next week. Maybe we will find the heartbeat in a few days. Maybe the heart just started beating and the rate will improve. Maybe it will be okay, the heartbeat will increase, and the baby will live. Maybe the bleeding is normal.
So my prayer was that whatever is the status of this pregnancy, that it is made clear at my doctor visit. I don't want a maybe. The past couple ultrasounds have shown a heartbeat BUT the very low end of normal. The growth is a tad behind (although that has been true of every pregnancy). So the outcome of this pregnancy is still very much up in the air.
My regular OB sent me to the perinatal clinic for high risk patients. Often they consult - determine a plan for pregnancy - and send you back to the OB. Last time they kept me on as their own patient for the duration of the pregnancy. This place is critical to the health and safety of baby & me. Imagine my disappointment today when I find that I'm scheduled only for a consult and not for an ultrasound.
My nurse remembered me from last time AND recognized me from the Fraser waiting room!! I do so love those type of connections. As we discussed the plan for the pregnancy - including starting on blood thinner injections daily - I asked if we can be sure this is viable before going further. She tries to do an abdominal bedside ultrasound. This will not measure growth or even bpm - just verify the flickering heartbeat is there. We find the baby but NO heartbeat.
She calls an ultrasound tech in and again, no heartbeat!! And I can't help but panic - and wonder "why aren't things more CLEAR?!" They make room for us in the schedule to do a TV ultrasound in a room with the good equipment and a tech. While I wait, pantless, feet in stirrups, for 20 minutes for the tech to come in, fear consumes me. Would this really happen again?! I NEVER felt like something was wrong (I had the physical feelings of anxiety and fear but not the motherly instincts like a sense of impending doom). Would I EVER trust my instincts again? Christmas will be ruined?!