Monday, January 23, 2017

My PAL Journey: Weeks 27 to 32

I don't know why I'm having such a difficult time sitting down to write this.  There is nothing bad to say at all; it's just that the entire subject is activating (as in it triggers anxiety and grief).  I know I said my anxiety had improved - and while it has in the sense that it is not all-consuming, it certainly still exists.  Like that pesky gray hair that won't go away (not that I'm speaking from experience or anything, lol).  My goal in chronicling this journey was to bring awareness to pregnancy after losses and my hope is that by being real here someone will relate and feel less lonely as a result.  So here's my truths for these past few weeks:

I'm in a stage of pregnancy where I am sorta "damned if you do, damned if you don't."  I am a planner. I LOVE planning and enjoy thinking out every detail.  Not being prepared - over-prepared to be more accurate - incites a bit of anxiety.

Know what else triggers anxiety?  Planning for Baby Xander's arrival.  Yup. You can imagine my conflict here.  I have almost no leftover baby gear/clothing/supplies because we thought Bruce was our last baby and got rid of things as he outgrew them.  I've been purchasing items as I encounter good deals but leaving the tags on or keeping them in their packaging.  I did allow myself to wash a few used/garage sale clothing items in preparation and the entire time I was folding the basket I kept thinking "ohmygosh I just killed my baby."