Friday, August 23, 2013

Praying for Strength in Times of Stress and Worry

I have barely slept in days. My whole body aches. How did I manage to catch a cold in August? I am so overwhelmed even my brain hurts.  Tired, exhausted, a walking zombie.  I had a call with Pepsi's Healthy Living Program today (our insurance gives small gift cards for completing their health programs).  I am currently enrolled in the Stress Management Program.  (Ironically I completed the Weight Loss program a couple weeks ago and am the fattest I've ever been in my life.)

The poor coach kept giving me ideas that simply didn't work. Sleeping pills - sorry, I breastfeed, wake with a baby at night, and my 4 year old has night seizures I must be able to wake up for. Breathing and meditating - that's stupid. Counseling through EAP - no, the medical bills/insurance issues are a hassle not worth it, I don't have the time, I don't have a sitter, it just adds to the stress.  Do I do anything to relieve stress, she asks.

I write.  I pray. I read my Bible.  I am not sure if I feel less stress but I do feel God is with me and I am not all alone.  Do I exercise? I laughed at that.  I wish.  It would likely give me more energy and it certainly can't make me any more fat or less attractive than I already am.  But no, where would I manufacture the time for that? The energy?

I felt bad when the Healthy Living coach referred me to someone else and hung up after only 11 minutes (the calls usually last 30-60mns).  I told her it was stressful making the time for this phone call, in the middle of our school day, with a fussy baby to talk over and a poopy preschooler needing to be changed.  It was the truth.  While I understand the importance of taking care of myself, I simply cannot seem to get ahead enough to sit still.

I am incapable of relaxing.  I have a serious sleep disorder and chronic fatigue.  I was thisclose to getting a blissful and much deserved nap when Bruce once again began screaming.  Remember how I was at the ER last week? Well, there hasn't been much change - my normally happy, pleasant, easy going baby is inconsolable.

Something is wrong. Blood in his diaper, writhing, arching his back, screaming for hours then just stopping. The nurse I spoke to send me to Children's Hospital ER.  Tests revealed a twisted intestine I guess.  It was fixed and Bruce is finally asleep but it is midnight and I have slept 8 hours in 2, almost 3 days.

I am weak. Physically. Spiritually. Emotionally.  My anxiety is high.  I worry about SIDS daily.  I'm afraid to set Bruce down and also afraid I'll smother him in his sleep.  I fear everything - there are so many dangers to my children.  I love them so dearly.  I just cannot lose another child.  My severe anxiety and worries were reduced greatly by Bruce's birth, but they are not gone altogether.

Lord, would you relieve my anxiety?  Ease my worries about money and fears of harm to my children. Please reduce my stress.  Would you place protection over my sleep and help me to get on a healthy sleep schedule and wake feeling refreshed?  Help me to stay awake during the day and asleep at night.

Heal my son, Lord, relieve his pain and keep him from harm.  Place a hedge of protection around all my children and keep them healthy.  Lord, there is just so much.  I can't do it all anymore.  How can my family seriously have so many medical issues? I am taking kids to a doctor or therapy appointment at least twice a week.  There are always new problems popping up.  What am I to learn from all this? How do I glorify you in all this?  How do I keep from falling to pieces?

Lord today would you just give me strength? Hold me up and keep me standing.  I see all the blessings around me but I still need You.  Give me the ability to stay awake to fill out 23 pages of paperwork for Dean's eval tomorrow at the Alexander Center, to make a couple meals for a friend and to feed my own family as well, to school my children, stand firm with my preschooler, and soothe an unhappy baby.

Just give me strength.