Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Thorn in the Flesh

I have spent a significant portion of my life in pain.  Various levels of it, from bothersome/annoying, to excruciating/unable to function.  IBS and endometriosis mostly, and hyperemesis while pregnant.  Last week I spent 2 hours laying torturously still while a machine (hydascan??) took pictures of my gallbladder. For a multitasker like me, it was mental torture.  I could hear my baby in the waiting room, screaming for his mama (he refuses bottles).

Yesterday was bowel prep for today's colonoscopy.  To overshare a little I will say that I had to consume 3 kinds of laxatives and no food.  It was a pretty miserable, crampy day (and crappy - see what I did there?!). Today's procedure went well, and quick enough, with no additional answers.  I had been told previously I had Crohn's but today the doc said it was more likely just IBS.  There used to be nothing they could do but today he prescribed a med! Yay! I'm glad to have it behind me (no pun intended).

So I'm taking charge, my diet is very clean and IBS friendly, although a total pain. I no longer know what to do for all my pain. I want to be THERE for my kids. Instead of saying "hold the baby while I throw up." or "make your own dinner." I want to always be caring for them, cooking for them, playing with them.

I have spent the majority of my life on the bathroom floor, curled in a ball, crying out the Lord for relief. Pleading, begging for the pain to go away, to be able to nurse the baby, take the kids to the park, anything.  I have even asked him for my Heavenly body, end my life, end the chronic pain. The ongoing, almost constant, unbearable pain.  He said no.  Why Lord? Do you not love me, Lord? Do I not serve you faithfully, have a ministry for you that pleases you?! Am I to have my children raise themselves as I cry in bed?

I am reminded of Paul.  In 2 Corinthians (12:7-10) he was given a thorn in the flesh. 3 times he pleaded with the Lord to take it away.  God did not.  His response? "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness."

God has a purpose in my pain.  I long ago requested "draw me closer to you Lord, I want to know you more, have a deeper relationship."  I believe I AM closer to Him when I need to pray for relief.  I continue to search for His purposes and Trust His plans for me.