Where is my son?! Epic Fail

I have always described my 4 year old as delightful, entertaining, a total blessing.  He still is those things, but something else - challenging - is that the right word?! I think most parents, the good ones at least, question themselves on occasion.  I often wonder if I am doing a good job - am I the best parent for these precious children?! I love and raise them the best I know how.  I always try to do better, best I can. Looking for ways to improve, on my knees pleading with the Lord for parental wisdom.

Today I feel conflicted.  Am I epically failing as a momma? Or is there more nature involved in children's behaviors and personalities than I thought? Does all the blame fall on me? Less blame than I am giving myself credit for? Or is it normal?

I spent several days preparing Dean for his dentist appointment.  They have never gone well, he's never had a successful cleaning or complete exam.  But he knew what to expect, nothing new.  Due to his sensory issues teeth-brushing is a hellish ordeal daily.  I reward him for brushing, he refuses to let me help, I sneak in and brush them with water when he sleeps...

We get to the chair and he screams.  They have a special room for us.  The children's dental clinic is a bunch of chairs in one big room, and then one private room, reserved for the most challenging of patients.  My son. He doesn't want to hear the dental assistants spiel about the brush and chair and straw that sucks water. Doesn't care, seen it before.  She touches his mouth; the demon is released.  I had to put the baby down on the floor and hold Dean's arms and legs down.  He bit her, screamed, rolled his head, shook his whole body.

In the end I need to schedule his oral surgery at the children's hospital.  At least 4 cavities (couldn't get a great look), x-rays, cleaning, etc.  Was it my lack of follow through on his oral/dental care? I feel like such a failure.  A broke one who has no money to pay for this.  Before you offer a virtual hug and say "these things happen" I should admit BOTH my daughters also had oral surgery at age 4.  They were born with no enamel on their teeth and try as I might, I could not prevent the cavities.  I suck.

Dean challenges me.  Seriously.  I shelled out the money for Tball, he has LOVED playing in the yard with papa, even using his sister's pink bat (refused a new one) and helmet.  He was looking forward to the start of tball today for a couple months.  I know he never napped, but he's 4, I can't force it.  He had 2 hours of quiet time in his room.

 Running around the edge of field while others actually play.

Cooperating - before very many other kids have arrived.

 Crying on the bench when he should be batting.  Without his shoes. LOL - that's my son!

Showing off his awesome new Thirty-one cinch sac with a baseball that says "Dean James."

Dan says it was awful.  Despite knowing a couple of the kids, he refused to participate.  Threw sand, cried on the bench while other kids played, picked up the tee and ball in middle of game and tosses across the field.  Hard to explain, but it was BAD.  Now, I understand not every kid plays well, and that Dean has sensory issues with crowds and noises, but Dan and I are bummed.

This is my THIRD child to have these issues in group sports.  My kids never really had friends, and have even been bullied.  I just don't want to go through this again - to see another child refuse to socialize, be a loner, be friendless. Not invited to birthday parties or playdates.  It is so sad. Yesterday Dean had a playdate at the park with a friend from preschool.  They have been in special ed together since they were 2.  It took awhile to warm up, but they played nicely.  Not side by side, but together, interacting.  I was so encouraged.  Then today happens.

It would be different if ONE SINGLE OTHER child acted similar.  But they don't.  That is why I cry. I am a failure and I don't even know where I am going wrong or how to fix it!  What happened to my sweet boy? Where did he go?! Dean still cuddles with me all day, gives kisses, and says he loves me.  But there's a glint of evil in his eyes as he challenges me daily - he's brilliant,and he knows it!!