Monday, October 7, 2013

Surrendering my Fears

So I just have to admit something. Perhaps putting it out there will help me overcome the all consuming anxiety I have.  Something I believe wholeheartedly is that God allowed me to experience infant loss to strengthen my ministry.  So that I could be a comfort to others - to say I know, it's really, really hard, but I promise, it does get better.

So I have online support groups, for example, where people post photos and feelings and lay their grief bare.  I sometimes need encouragement but mostly I try to offer my condolences and try, in some small way, to comfort others.

Before I lost Bentlee I shut myself off  to that world.  Even reading in scripture how Herod killed the baby boys in an attempt to murder Jesus was too much to bear.  I'd close my heart and mind to the concept of losing a child.

Now I know what it feels like to have people shut you out because they are uncomfortable or don't know how to react/handle "it." So I desire to listen to the cries of others.  One thing about doing this - I am so painfully aware of the reality of death.

People keep posting photos of these perfect babies, smiling, with the caption "she died that same night, no warning, no hint anything was wrong."  So here it is:  I am terrified, utterly, completely, all-consumably petrified of SIDS. And car accidents. And drowning. And illness. All of it.

Take a moment to look at this sweet, perfect baby:

Now help me NOT be terrified something will happen.  Help me! I want to enjoy all 4 of my kids - without being held back by fear and anxiety.  It's unhealthy.  I have Bruce sleep in my arms (or his sisters' or dad's) when he naps because I am just petrified he'll go down for a nap and never wake up.  So we must watch him at all times.

When I send Dean off to preschool on the bus I am truly afraid of what may go wrong.  When I let the girls go out of my eye-shot at a park or something (like running to the bathroom at the mall alone) I worry. Kidnappers, rapists, murderers, contagious deadly disease...

I know His grace is sufficient, He has plans to prosper, not harm me. Still, how do I fully give it to God and let some of the anxiety melt away? I want to surrender my children to Him, to trust in god, but I'm only human. And I'm a mother. So I'm struggling with this.

Relate? Advice?