I don't want to go through this again. It can't be real. It just can't. Numb. I'm numb. I keep telling Dan this isn't real, I am dreaming. This is me asleep and any minute I will wake up and this won't be real anymore. Seriously, I can't go to the hospital - to the birth center - to deliver a dead baby. Again.
While all the women around me are having the happiest day of their lives I am having the worst. Again. I'd ask "Why?" but no answer would satisfy me. I'm so broken. I don't know how to live through this. I don't want to.
Yesterday was wrought with anxiety and fear. I am 17 & a half weeks - this is the point of pregnancy I lost Bentlee and had to deliver her. It is also almost the due date of the baby I lost this summer. My paranoid meter was off the charts. It has been for a week.
On Wednesday I went in to the clinic for my 17p injection. The baby was kicking all day and I felt so confident that I didn't even ask them to do heart tones "as long as I'm in." (I was not scheduled for more than the shot). That evening my home doppler found Baby Oliver's heartbeat in a matter of seconds. My daily dose of relief.
Thursday (yesterday) I was fearful - not prompted by anything in particular, just an overwhelming, all consuming feeling of panic. I had to stop and pray a hundred times just to make it through the next moment. I had to pray myself back to sleep repeatedly last night. I used my home fetal doppler with no luck. I normally find the heartbeat in less than a minute and I tried 5 times throughout the course of the day for 5-10 minutes at a time.
Granted these are not always reliable and I do have an anterior placenta and a tilted uterus and baby can be moving. But still. Last night I was certain I felt Oliver kicking and moving and found enough peace (and exhaustion) to drift off to sleep.
This morning the fear was still weighing on me heavily. When Dan and I headed into the clinic to get checked out I FULLY expected to be told I was paranoid. That would be the BEST answer ever. I mean, there is no spotting or other signs to be fearful. Nothing of concern. So when we looked at Oliver and determined he had no heartbeat I did not believe them. I asked them to check - several more times. I even prayed he would come BACK to life then repeated the ultrasound a half hour later.
Dead. My baby is dead. He fought so hard to be here - I mean remember my story of how he was concieved in spite of ovulating from the side with no fallopian tube??!! Right after a long drawn out miscarriage this summer. I took progesterone supplements and went to a zillion blood draws and ultrasounds. I have had shots of blood thinner in the abdomen DAILY as well as weekly injections to prevent preterm labor. Hyperemesis is a cruel bitch - I lost weight, needed to be on IV fluids multiple times, and threw up many times a day (sometimes several dozen times). Even at 17 weeks I am still very nauseus.
How can Oliver be gone?! It just doesn't make sense? What does God have for me in this? Why would I need to experience this heartbreak again?! What have I done? What am I supposed to learn or gain?
Even still, I am praying for peace. The supernatural kind that can only come from God. That I would feel His prescence and He would comfort Dan & me & the kids. It's not today that's the hardest. Sadly, having been through this before, I know it will get so much worse before it gets better. Today I meet my son and hold him in my arms. But after that? Empty arms. Made to ache more by every reminder of what could have been. With triggers around every corner.
No, it will get worse. So painful. So lonely. So much hurt. How does one possibly do this - AGAIN?! I know the Lord will be near me and give me strength but it still hurts so much. I call bull. I mean - why again? Why Lord?
This is not meant to inspire others or be a platform to spew out a bunch of Christainese about the purpose in it, etc. Nope, this is just me working through heartbreak. Being real and open and honest and in the moment.
Here's the post on Oliver's birth story and HERE is the afterward.