Pregnancy after loss is different. High risk pregnancy with hyperemesis after MULTIPLE losses at various stages of pregnancy for several different reasons is filled with sheer terror. As much as I WANT this baby, as much as I already LOVE it, I’m barely HAPPY or excited. Anxiety & Fear are the dominant emotions and dwarf any competing thoughts.
The ER told me there was no cyst, my uterus is filled with fluid from a subchorionic hemorrhage, and that there was a gestational sac (step 1), a yolk sac (step 2), and fetal pole (3) with no cardiac activity (4th step) and most likely the baby was dead. Here’s the thing about being pregnant 15 times and being a “professional patient” of sorts: I knew that some, if not all, of that is incorrect. At the ER they know a little bit about a lot of things but I know at 4 weeks and 5 days along there most certainly is NOT a heartbeat and that is EXPECTED & normal.
The ultrasound at 8 weeks and 4 days looked amazing as well! All is on track - growth, heartbeat, etc.
Life is on a survival mode now – take meds, sleep, try to force some food down, cuddle with the kids. I’m blessed to have people in my life that support me- who are taking the kids to their appointments and caring for them when I struggle to. That alleviates some of the misery.
I'm gonna whine a bit more here: I am a hard stick especially when it comes to IV lines. Each time I come in for fluids it generally takes more than one try to successfully set up a line. My veins roll away and blow. The day of these photos was 3 pokes and once they had a good connection they used that SAME EXACT SPOT 4 MORE TIMES. On that 5th day the vein blew and my skin puffed up and burned. It's really not all that pleasant.
So, here I am. 9 weeks. I had another scare - this time with a fair amount of spotting and cramping. It stopped the next day. I have not been in to the clinic since then BUT I do find the baby on my home doppler every day! I love that reassurance.
I've officially been transferred for care to the Perinatal Clinic (high risk specialists) in Minneapolis. I am in great hands and they know my medical history well and I love how familiar the doctor is with each patients file. I trust this medical team. The doctor looks up from my chart and says "Wow, you just can't make this stuff up."
I started my blood thinner shots this week. I hate them but understand why they are important. I am also on baby aspirin the duration of the pregnancy & progesterone supplements until week 12. The plan is the same as usual. I will take 17P injections weeks 16-36 to prevent preterm labor (this has been successful for me every time). They monitor cervical length as well as weekly heart tones and check ins. We are doing all we can do but since nothing is "wrong" this is ultimately in God's Hands, as it is with any pregnancy.
Guys, I really want this. Like, we are all putting in the work and investing in this pregnancy. This child is loved. I can't wait for our happy ending to arrive.