Wednesday, September 21, 2016

My PAL Journey: Weeks 9-14

In my world, no news is good news. I'm happy to say I have no real "news."  I'm still pregnant, which I'm grateful for.  I have weekly ultrasounds and Little One looks good.  No complications with Mom or Baby.  Dare I say normal?! :)  Yeah!!!

I'm so sorry I've been in my own little world and so wrapped up in myself - and really not a great friend as of late - I know this sickness from the hyperemesis is almost behind me and I will be closer to my normal self soon! Thanks for all the love and sticking with me! I'm 15 weeks tomorrow! So I'm getting there!!

We don't talk much about Little One or the pregnancy around here.  The kids know.  It is a fact that Mommy is pregnant.  I've been sick so the kids are aware there is a difference.  That's it though, no gender or name ideas or planning or room arrangement discussions, etc.  So when Bruce said to me the other night "Let's pray for your baby (folds his hands)," and "I'm your baby's big brother." my heart melted.  Yeah, he did that on his own.  How sweet - and encouraging!

Here's a fun photo! My good friend Thuy is 38 weeks pregnant (and so over it and ready to have that baby) and I'm 14 weeks.  I'm getting a bump as she is about to exchange hers for a baby and we had to get a shot of us while we were both pregnant.  Also of note, I left the house!

Lately, I have been caught up in "The Shoulds." I SHOULD simply be grateful that I am pregnant at all.  I am grateful. AND I'm sick of being sick.

When you are Pregnant after multiple losses the expectation is that you do not get to complain about ailments of pregnancy "typical" women are allowed to because you should have some special appreciation that magically makes you superhumanly immune to them.

I SHOULD be so over the moon to have this baby that I'm not bummed about my weight/body issues. That the shots and IV pokes don't bother me.  As a Christian I SHOULD be so at peace in trusting God that I'm not worried or anxious that the baby will be okay.

If I'm being real with you; I'm epically failing at all these SHOULDS.

2 weeks I "graduated" from my hospital IV nutrition sessions! I don't feel fantastic yet, and I could easily continue going a couple more weeks since it DOES help me tremendously, but with the union nurses strike I decided to not schedule more sessions and hope I'm near enough to the end of the worst of it to survive. I made it through those 2 weeks just fine.

(Venting Warning)  Plus, my poor veins can hold out no longer.  They need a rest.  I have horrid veins to begin with - and I have been poked and prodded endlessly in an attempt to connect to a vein that doesn't roll away or blow.  The sites now itch and burn and are sore for days following a treatment.  The other day the line infiltrated.  Fortunately none of the meds I had were caustic but I did get a superficial (not dangerous) hematoma/blood clot, tons of swelling and bruising, a large, itchy rash, and pain for days in the entire arm. This happens MOST of the time.

 These are terrible quality photos, but just to earn my Whining Award, I'm posting them.

While I've been this sick I've only tolerated a few certain foods - many of them bad for me.  I'm eating poorly - high calorie, carbs, even fast food.  I worked SO SO SO HARD to lose weight after Oliver was born.

So, while I am over 30 pounds lighter starting out this pregnancy than the one a year ago, I am still fat in general.  In the past 16 months I have been pregnant or recovering postpartum from miscarriage, delivery, surgeries, and retained pregnancy tissue for THIRTEEN of those months. Losing weight and being healthier and fitter was deliberate, time consuming, hard work.

Here I am, only 14 weeks pregnant, and already 9 pounds ABOVE my pre-pregnancy weight, even though I normally lose 15 lbs the first trimester.  I wasn't slender but my tummy was flat and now it's gross.  I have so many body confidence issues that even though I WANT to be pregnant I am still bumming about this weight stuff pretty bad.

Even though I SHOULD be so thrilled about this baby I don't mind the weight gain, I do.  My body issues are not magically disappearing.  I hate being this fat and feeling so awful about my appearance.

I'm not mad I have difficult pregnancies.  I came to accept that long ago (even my first ones were hard). But I AM struggling with resentment that I went through so much recently without having a living baby.  As I do it all again I have PTSD type moments - I'm re-living the pain - and moments of anger over losing Oliver.

Bentlee was due a few days before THIS baby is due (6 years ago).  As her 6th birthday/anniversary of her death comes up in 8 days I am even more fearful, as I follow the same gestational timeline with this pregnancy.  Actually this is the 8th pregnancy where the baby was due end of Feb/begin of March. Both my boys are alive but the other 5 are NOT and so I'm having some fears and anxieties.

I've already lost last summer, last holiday season, and now this summer to being so, so sick.  I've done the throwing-up-15-times-a-day. I've already gained (and lost) weight.  I've already done the insane amount of OB appointments and blood tests.  I've already given birth and had surgeries.  I've already bruised and rashed up my stomach with daily blood thinner injections.  And I've already done all the IV fluid pokes - multiple attempts to start an IV and digging around in my arms to catch the vein. I've done the justifying and explaining our choices to everyone over and again.

Please let it work this time. I cannot say enough how happy I am for this chance! 

I'm working on that bitterness and giving it over to God.  I asked for this by getting pregnant again in search of that Happy Ending so this is all on me and I need to stop my complaining.  I know.  I'm trying to be patient with myself as I navigate the line between "should" and "actually am."

14 weeks