The other bad news is that Baby's heartbeat is really slow at 42 bpm; it should be between 110 and 160 for this stage of pregnancy. The doctor told me not to be optimistic - at this point there is nothing that can be done. I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week to check up on Baby - unless I naturally miscarry before then.
I'm not willing to have a D&C while there is still a heartbeat, despite the very high odds that this is not a viable pregnancy. The doctor said it was not likely this pregnancy will continue, however he could not tell me WHEN I will miscarry or even when the heartbeat will be gone for certain. In fact, it is not even CERTAIN I WILL miscarry - but my odds are "close to 100%." (Doctor's words)
Nothing is too big for God, for sure, but I'm more preparing for the bad news rather than clinging to hope that creates deep anxiety for another week. A miracle is always possible and brings sheer joy but of course I am sad. But I am also oddly at peace. It is a peace that defies nature and can come from God alone. For me, I've had an unsettling feeling and anxiety for this entire 5 weeks and my prayer has been peace. I'm definitely devastated but I'm handling this much better than I expected I would, I think. Well, for today.
I think the thing I mean to say is I've not fully processed any of this - I was only just getting used to another pregnancy. I'm not totally certain this feeling is ALL peace - there is numbness in there as well. And some detachment in an effort to not feel as much pain. The truth is I've been through this so many times I'm blocking some of the emotions.
Now it is a waiting game - WHEN will Baby die (if?) and will I need a D&C (dilation and curettage to remove the contents of the uterus - my body does not like surgeries), etc. Another part I am gonna say sucks is the sickness. Hyperemesis is not correlated to how well the baby is doing (or even how HIGH the hcg volume is). This nausea and vomiting is actually based on the mother - and how she reacts to the hormones. So this means I can be sick until a few weeks AFTER the pregnancy hormones are gone from my body. And I'm really very tired of being sick if you can't tell.
Update 7/17/15 - The next morning.
Okay, NOW I am sad. Yesterday I tried to focus on how wonderful my family was already and how "inconvenient" and scary pregnancy can be and mostly try to spare myself the hurt. The truth for me is, it doesn't matter how much "work" pregnancy is - or that my pregnancies usually mean lots of challenges for the whole family - I love THIS baby. It's not about "pregnancy" but my child. Then the sting set in.
How much I love my family now - where each kid is at, what the future holds, the reality of how much attention each child already needs from me, how much I love my kids and husband - none of that correlates to THIS child. I already love Baby and admitting I'm sad doesn't take away from the joy I have in other areas of life. Admitting I love this child doesn't take away from my love for my other children. So it hits me now that I am hurting. A lot.