14 Truths About Pregnancy After Loss

Pregnancy after loss is different. High risk pregnancy with hyperemesis after MULTIPLE losses at various stages of pregnancy for several different reasons is filled with sheer terror. As much as I WANT this baby, as much as I already LOVE it, I’m barely HAPPY or excited. Anxiety & Fear are the dominant emotions and dwarf any competing thoughts.

Okay, I know what you’re asking “Is this a pregnancy announcement?” Not exactly. I AM pregnant. (I've written a little bit about that pregnancy in this post.) However, the sad thing is I never know how long any pregnancy of mine will last. So with this post, my hope is it has staying power and value beyond THIS pregnancy. That others can relate to my experiences and not feel so alone. Because, let me tell you, I FEEL alone in these emotions.

Losing Oliver: Part 3 - The In-Between {Scriptures for Miscarriage}

 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” –Isaiah 43:2

These photos show me snuggling with Oliver and his bunny.  Once home my boys were fascinated by Oliver's bunny and blanket & Bruce especially has been spending a lot of time hugging them. They know it is a stuffed animal and not actually a baby but seem to understand that it is special.  Bruce says "oooh, so cute" before giving the bunny kisses.

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Dear Friend who asked me how I am doing - I sincerely apologize for not having an answer.  It's a question I do not know HOW to answer because I am entering the In-Between.  I am okay or great or devastated depending on when you ask (as in it changes hour to hour).  Dear Sweet Friend - THANK YOU for asking.  It means the world to me, it really does. 

Losing Oliver: Part 2 - Birth Story & Meeting My Son

Every birth story is beautiful.  Oliver's story is precious to me.  He has blessed me so much in his short life & I'll forever be grateful God has gifted me this treasure in heaven.  His story - even from conception - is so amazing & I grieve that it was so short.

I've been so sick I hadn't been taking many baby bump pictures so we snapped this last one in the hospital at 17 weeks 4 days (the day before he was actually born).

As much as I was in a hurry to meet my baby boy (as my pregnancy had not been easy & was wrought with anxiety) I was NOT prepared to meet him so soon.  We left the clinic Friday afternoon (where we found there was no longer a heartbeat) and were scheduled to return to the Mother Baby Center at the hospital at 6 that evening.

My mother & sister were waiting for us when we got there - they stayed the entire time, well past when Oliver was born.  I can say that having them there, that support, was an extreme comfort to me.  In fact, my support system in general right now is tremendous. My cup truly runneth over.

**Trigger Warning** 

Before I share the beautiful (detail-filled) story of Baby Oliver's birth I want to warn you of the graphic nature of the content.  I am including photos of his precious life at the end & if this is difficult for you to look at please be warned not to continue scrolling.

Answered Prayers & The Road So Far: My Pregnancy Journey

I am in constant awe of how God answers prayers in a specific way.  Last night, prior to today's doctor appointment, my prayer was for CLEAR, absolute, and ACCURATE information.  Yes, Lord, I desire for my child to be alive - to have them safe in my arms this summer.  But trusting in Him means trusting that He is with me even in the bad.

This summer when we lost the baby it was weeks wrought with "maybes."  Maybe my dates were wrong. Maybe the growth will be better next week.  Maybe we will find the heartbeat in a few days. Maybe the heart just started beating and the rate will improve. Maybe it will be okay, the heartbeat will increase, and the baby will live.  Maybe the bleeding is normal.

So my prayer was that whatever is the status of this pregnancy, that it is made clear at my doctor visit. I don't want a maybe.  The past couple ultrasounds have shown a heartbeat BUT the very low end of normal. The growth is a tad behind (although that has been true of every pregnancy).  So the outcome of this pregnancy is still very much up in the air.

My regular OB sent me to the perinatal clinic for high risk patients. Often they consult - determine a plan for pregnancy - and send you back to the OB.  Last time they kept me on as their own patient for the duration of the pregnancy.  This place is critical to the health and safety of baby & me. Imagine my disappointment today when I find that I'm scheduled only for a consult and not for an ultrasound.

My nurse remembered me from last time AND recognized me from the Fraser waiting room!! I do so love those type of connections. As we discussed the plan for the pregnancy - including starting on blood thinner injections daily - I asked if we can be sure this is viable before going further.  She tries to do an abdominal bedside ultrasound.  This will not measure growth or even bpm - just verify the flickering heartbeat is there.  We find the baby but NO heartbeat.

She calls an ultrasound tech in and again, no heartbeat!! And I can't help but panic - and wonder "why aren't things more CLEAR?!"  They make room for us in the schedule to do a TV ultrasound in a room with the good equipment and a tech. While I wait, pantless, feet in stirrups, for 20 minutes for the tech to come in, fear consumes me. Would this really happen again?! I NEVER felt like something was wrong (I had the physical feelings of anxiety and fear but not the motherly instincts like a sense of impending doom).  Would I EVER trust my instincts again? Christmas will be ruined?!

My Pregnancy Journey: Part 5 - A Special Kind of Luck

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." -John 14:27

Photo Credit CarlyMarie Photography

Here's what's on my heart tonight:

It's been a rough month. (And not just this whole pregnancy thing - there are other factors that have made this a difficult summer.) I can't seem to go about things the "easy" way.  The hyperemesis (morning sickness) was brutal. It was devastating, to say the least, that the baby had a slow heartbeat and we had to just sit and wait for the baby to die, which took another week.

After the baby no longer had a heartbeat 3 1/2 weeks ago, I took meds to induce the miscarriage to speed things along.  2 weeks later there were some complications (think: gross woman stuff), I was still so nauseous, and the pain was brutal.  To spare you further details, I'll just say I ended up at my OB's office 10 days after the start of the miscarriage process.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 3 - Goodbye Without Hello

This morning I woke up 9 weeks (and 1 day) pregnant.  Tonight I am no longer pregnant.  The baby passed away some time between Monday and today, Wednesday.  Today's ultrasound revealed that Baby no longer has a heartbeat. She is now safe in the arms of God.

(I do not know the gender - but something I've learned with 10 losses is personalizing the child helps with grief.  I'm choosing girl because my hyperemesis/morning sickness is far worse with girls than boys in my personal experience.)

Late Sunday night I went to the emergency room to score some IV fluids and nausea meds (they are more effective in IV form for me).  I had lost 15 lbs (8% of my body weight), was dehydrated, weak, and could not stop throwing up or keep anything down.  I did feel much better after a few liters of fluid and a new anti-nausea med prescription. I've even been able to eat a bit the past couple days!

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 2 - The Waiting Game

Today's ultrasound did not go well.  I'm 8 weeks and 2 days.  It has been over 2 weeks since my previous ultrasound.  In that time the growth of the baby has been equivalent to "5 days" and places me at 6 weeks and 1 day along.  That actually puts conception a week AFTER my first positive pregnancy test. Measuring THAT far behind is NOT good,

The other bad news is that Baby's heartbeat is really slow at 42 bpm; it should be between 110 and 160 for this stage of pregnancy.  The doctor told me not to be optimistic - at this point there is nothing that can be done.  I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week to check up on Baby - unless I naturally miscarry before then.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 1 - 8 weeks

Today I am 8 weeks pregnant. That may not seem like a lot, but for my pregnancies, and the unique type of drama that accompanies them, 8 weeks is a long time.  It has been 5 weeks of hardcore anxiety, surprise, fear, delight, and sickness. 

Oh, the sickness.  Pregnancy is like being drunk.  Every single second of the day is that hungover feeling where your head is pounding, totally dehydrated, thirsty, and the all-consuming need to vomit.  However, this vomiting brings NO relief.  I simply throw up everything - which is often only stomach acid & bile because I'm too sick to eat - and have it coming out my nose and getting stuck in chunks at the back of my throat.  

I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks (where were those results when I actually wanted to lose weight?!) and feel completely dehydrated and weak.  It's causing headaches and there's this unending feeling of nausea. All that extra saliva cannot be swallowed or I'll throw up.  I can hardly breathe (my nose is always plugged but now mouth breathing is vomit-inducing). 

Mother's Day Musings: Empty Arms

     [Photo credit CarlyMarie Photography]

To those with empty arms this Mother's Day: I'm thinking of you. I'm praying that God will wrap His arms of comfort around you and that you would feel His presence. You are not forgotten. On this day that serves as a reminder of what you DON'T have, let me assure you you are not alone. You are loved.

I was a child myself when I had my first child - I went straight from my parents house to my husband's (well, to his parents' house for that first few months). I confess I cannot relate to the devastation of not being a mother when you long for it so deeply.  I have been a mother far longer than I have known the value of it.

Pregnancy, Delivery, and Parenting After Infant Loss

Being pregnant after a loss is different.  I've lost my innocence and naivity - that happy place that assumes all pregnancies end with a healthy baby in your arms.  While I had miscarried before, it was always early on.  I was heartbroken each time, for sure, but had only a few weeks to bond with the baby before it was gone. I used to think if I made it past 8 weeks I was in the safe zone.

I am not invalidating the pain that comes with miscarriage AT ALL, because it is real and great.  In fact, I consider my ectopic pregnancy to be one of the hardest trials I ever encountered - to arrive at the hospital in great pain, already in love with the child inside, only to awake without a baby - or a fallopian tube.  But for our family, losing Bentlee in the 2nd trimester really was our most tragic moment.

Thanks to my hyperemesis I threw up so much I needed to go to the hospital's Infusion Center every day for IV fluid nutrition.  My veins would blow and sometimes I would get poked 7 or 8 times in one day.  I was miserably sick but thrilled to be expecting another miracle! The whole family really bonded with Baby Bentlee (whom we found out was a girl at only 13 weeks thanks to weekly ultrasounds).

Dan was off of work due to back surgery and would drop me off at the hospital and then take the kids (at the time they were 9, 6, and 1 1/2) to the park where they would feed the ducks.  The kids really stepped up to help with household duties and caring for Dean, who was just a toddler, and getting their schoolwork done.  We loved this baby.  Life revolved around her.

Finding out she had died was devastating, to say the least.  I was numb for months - I felt emotions (in fact, at any given time I could be happy, sad, angry, tired, grateful, and bitter at the exact same moment) but I hardly functioned.  Delivering a baby I knew was dead is more difficult than anything I had ever encountered. Even the physical pain of delivery was greater than any other.

It took a long time to move past the "I need to be pregnant again, NOW!" stage.  I found that once I surrendered Bentlee, and all my other children, to God, I began to heal.  We were going to trust Him and see what He had in store for our family.

Finding out, almost 2 years after my daughter died, that I was pregnant again actually came as a shock.  We believed God had told us we were done and that I was to have surgery for my endometriosis pain (hysterectomy).  With severe endometrial tissue build up, an erratic and unpredictable cycle, and only one tube, the doctor said we were very unlikely to have more children.

So there we were again - hyperemesis, severe enough to require IV nutrition (although, praise The Lord, not daily, only a few times a week), daily injections of blood thinners (they believe Bentlee died from a blood clot and it is why I've miscarried 8 times now), weekly doctor appointments, weekly shots to prevent preterm labor, crazy tons of throwing up, and limited activity.  I was placed on modified bedrest pretty early on, 16 weeks I think.  So my hubby bought me a wheelchair - that way I could still go to my Bible Study or shop for Christmas gifts.

This pregnancy was different than any before.  I was afraid to feel joy. Afraid my happiness would end in despair at any moment.  I kept thinking if I didn't let myself love the baby, didn't bond with it, I wouldn't hurt so much when it died.  So there was no planning - nursery colors or clothes or baby registries.  I didn't head to the garage and dig through our baby gear and take stock of what we had till the 8th month!

At 6 weeks I found out we were blessed with twins! And that I had a subchorionic hematoma - bleeding in the placenta.  This is normally not a big concern, however I was on bedrest 5 months with Dean, our 3rd child, and he almost died, due to this.  The hematoma was large enough to make a hole in the placenta and threaten the baby's life. So I was rightfully fearful.

The hematoma went away and resolved itself around 8 weeks, the same time we found out one of the babies did not have a heartbeat.  By 11 weeks along, the 2nd baby was gone - Vanishing Twin Syndrome they call it.  Was this is, God, my heartbreak this time?  Would everything be okay from here, or was this an indication of more pain to come?

We did the only thing we could do - trust in The Lord.  Every minute of every day I clung to Him and begged for strength.  I drew near to God and asked Him to ease my anxiety.  There were many trips to MAC triage - preterm labor, fears the baby was not moving, paranoia - especially on Bentlee's birthday! The fear/worry/anxiety is all-consuming, I remember telling my husband many times "This isn't worth it.  No baby is worth this emotional turmoil." (I was wrong of course, I see that now.)

Despite my plan to the contrary, I fell madly in love with this child.  My son. My Baby Brucie. With each kick and ultrasound I bonded more and more.  I do not love this child MORE than my other children, but I do love him differently somehow.  There is unexplainable hope and healing in this little life, which I have come to realize is more precious and more fragile than I ever knew.

The rest of the family loved him as well.  Dan was stoic and protective, as fathers are, and the girls would pray for him and draw him pictures and sing to my belly.  This child was a bona fide family member already.

I expected a preemie, like all my others, so it was not surprising to be in labor at 30 weeks.  It was painful to be given a shot and some meds and sent home every time.  I kept thinking "But babies only die IN me, not out!!"  My other children, despite being born early and having some health challenges, were alive.  I didn't trust my body.  I really struggled to trust God.  He knew this and graciously met me where I was at.

So many people were praying for the safety of Baby Bruce - how encouraging to see The Body at work! Could it be possible, Lord, that You intend for us to have a happy ending?! I know that God can be glorified in ANY and ALL outcomes, so I was fearful we would lose Bruce as well.  I mean, if it was God's plan with Bentlee, could it be so with Bruce as well? I knew He would carry me through any outcome, so I found peace in that.

Despite being sent home from the hospital 11 times in 3 weeks (yes, I was in labor, contracting and slowly dilating) we barely made it there on time after my water broke!! I made it to almost 38 weeks! Just 2 hours after my water broke, and only 90 minutes after arriving at the hospital, and less than an hour after my mom and sisters got there, Bruce made his debut!

God was in every detail and protected us both.  I remember begging for an epidural, despite being on Heparin and having a blood clotting disorder.  Bruce was born before the bloodwork was back from the lab.  It went so fast I never had time to get the okay from the anesthesiologist for an epidural.  I believe God was protecting us, as I have had complications with that in the past.

For the first time ever I had a newborn baby on my chest.  I snuggled him and nursed him and just kept him close.  This was my 5th delivery yet the FIRST time the baby was healthy and not whisked off to the NICU.  In fact we did not even weigh him or clean him off for a few hours.  I cried.  9 months worth of tears. 2 and a half years worth really.

"Delight in The Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Psalms 37:4
This gift really WAS the desire of my heart! Oh, how I am blessed! I love this child! Again, not more than the others, just differently.  With a new appreciation and a great healing - letting go of such intense grief.

I cannot describe the bond I have with Bruce, but it is so special.  He's a momma's boy - no other child preferred or needed me the way he does.  I cherish this - it's as if he knows how much his mom needed him to be alive.  He is NOT a replacement for Bentlee (actually, I was very happy he was a different gender than her) but I do believe he's a gift from above, as all children are, to heal and bond our family.

The grief of losing a child (or 9 in my case) never goes away, but it can be overpowered by a different emotion - love, gratitude, being blessed.

Prayers for Pregnancy & Birth

I spent the evening at a triple baby shower.  Our church celebrates ALL babies - not just firstborns.  It is a beautiful and thoughtful thing to have a shower/celebration for each baby born in the church family. I know it moves me to tears when I was given one for each of my sons (my girls were born before we attended this church and since I was a teenager the pregnancies were not celebrated too much).

One of the gals was going to be a first time mom - her little boy is due soon.  Another brought her 7 week old daughter with -- her 4th child.  The third was due with her 4th child - her 3rd boy.  I was there with my 6 month old son who was crawling, pulling up, scarfing down food (see my post on BLW), and smiling up a storm.  He was playing with another sweet little girl, only a few months older than he. We may be a small church but we've got a lot of kids!

Lord, would you place a hedge of protection around these women and their wombs?  Protect the babies growing inside and keep them safe.  Grant a safe arrival/delivery of these children and keep both mom and baby healthy.  May these births be trauma-free and without complication.  I also ask for speedy recovery for the mamas - and rest!

I pray this also for all of my girlfriends that are expecting, and are at various stages in their pregnancies.  Specifically for relief of nausea, stress, panic attacks, and other ailments my friends are suffering from.

I also pray for all of the empty wombs longing to be filled with the miracle of a child.  Would You be at work in their lives? Give them strength and patience, and the joy of being a parent!

Would you give comfort and peace to those grieving the loss of a child?  Wrap Your arms around them and help them to feel Your presence and know Your love.  Give them rest - physical and emotional. Give them strength to face each day.  Help them to heal.

Ode to Rainbow Baby

I was watching Brucie try to crawl today. I was holding him to walk him to sleep and he stared straight back at me, with absolute adoration. I'm mesmerized.  And oh so blessed by my rainbow baby.

Bruce has brought such healing to our family and such joy into our lives.  We are celebrating new life.  Yes, I miss Bentlee.  I am sad she died. I have also accepted this loss and am at as much peace as I can be.  I know she was created for God's glory and His purpose in her short life is accomplished.  I could tell you so many things I've learned from her miscarriage.

Our original intent was to have a hysterectomy after she was born.  To be done having children. It was never about a number (we had 3 living children at the time), or even an age, just that God would guide us.  I was (am) in so much pain, I have had so many miscarriages, so many health issues during pregnancy, etc.  We thought a hysterectomy would solve some of my pain issues.

When she died we learned I have a blood-clotting disorder, an unspecified thrombophillia, and if I used the typical hormones post-hysterectomy I could get a blood clot and die, without warning. Same with all the hormonal birth control methods I had been using to manage pain.   Her death saved my life.  We were unsure if we could go through this again.  Losing a child is a pain without compare.  I went to a place so low only God could pull me out.  Though I know He could guide us through another loss, I didn't want to go there.

I look at Bruce and know - this is a child we were meant to have.  He was always in God's plans for us. He is a blessing God has given us to heal our family.  He truly is the desire of my heart.  And if Bentlee was here now, on Earth, in my lap, Bruce would not be.  Do not misunderstand.  I am not choosing one child over the other.  There is never replacing a child.  I am not happy she died.  I am acknowledging what a blessing Bruce is and stating how grateful I am he exists.

He is worth every single stab and poke - blood thinner injections daily the entire pregnancy, IV fluids every other day for months, and P17 shots (to prevent preterm labor) weekly for 20 weeks.  He is worth every day I spent for months collapsed in a weak, exhausted heap over the toilet. Nothing would stay down. Hyperemesis is more than morning sickness, it is an all consuming nausea that halts life. I lived in a pregnancy coma for eight months. My face was sallow and covered in blood spots from all the vomiting.

Every day I lived in a perpetual state of fear (eased only by the weekly appointment showing a healthy heartbeat), falling daily on my knees before the Lord, begging for the strength to make it through the day. That He would ease my anxiety and calm my worries. This is my 12th pregnancy. I was carrying twins, but by week 8 one baby did not have a heartbeat. By week 11, gone. Vanishing twin syndrome, no trace he/she ever existed. That makes 9 babies in Heaven.  I can't do this, Lord, nothing is worth this fear.

I was wrong. God knew better than me! I hold this baby close and know - he is meant to be here. He is a gift to me, as are all my children.  And he is more than worth it. All of it, and more. 

I thought I could never do it again - the sickness, the shots, the expensive specialty doctor and weekly ultrasounds, the anxiety and worry, the messy house, the bad mom, unable to fully care for the other kids. We found out I was pregnant with Bruce at a doctor appointment for an MRI I was to have before my hysterectomy.  

Yes, I still thought that was the solution.  I had a very expensive surgery called presacral nuerectomy, which severed the nerves sending pain signals to the brain.  It didn't fully remove the pain.  The doctor insisted what I feel is scar tissue pain, not from the endometriosis lesions.  A hysto was not a good solution, he said. Especially if I cannot take the hormones due to my thrombophillia.  But he was willing to do an MRI, take a look inside my (tilted, oddly shaped) uterus.  See if it would even help.  It was at this appointment we found out we were pregnant.

A high risk pregnancy is a challenge for the entire family.  Bedrest is miserable on all of us, not just me. Yet we made it through, just as we had done each time before.  My daughters are so responsible and helpful - and faithfully prayed for the baby every day.  My husband is amazingly supportive and so hard working. We went through all this with Dean and HE was worth it.  We can handle pregnancy, right?  It is different, after losing first the ectopic baby, then having a stillborn.  

This pregnancy became an opportunity to strengthen our faith and our bond as a family.  Bruce's birth was a truly beautiful experience - and he was my first baby never whisked away to the NICU.  He was in the room with us the entire time. Skin to skin and breastfeeding in his first moments. What an amazing gift God had given us. 

But it was enough, we just couldn't go through all that again, right?  No one could expect me to be pregnant ever again, right? That would just be stupid.  It can't be a smart move to have more babies, right? My poor health, premature babies, the expense, the stress, etc..... 

I signed the consent form for a tubal (tubal ligation - sterilization) at 6 months gestation. We prayed and felt this was God's will for us. I went NPO prior to my scheduled surgery and had all the bloodwork done. We felt confident this was right for us. Hours after Bruce was born, shortly before I was scheduled to have my tubes "tied," we prayed again.  That God would give us peace if we were in His will, and that He would protect me from anything outside of His plans.

Guess what happened? My doctor, who I had seen many times throughout my pregnancy, who delivered Bruce just 27 hours earlier and knew of my plans, came in that morning and refused to do the surgery.  I have had so many abdominal surgeries that a tubal was no longer a simple, minor thing.  He can't even see what's going on in there, he says.  It would cause more scar tissue and more pain.  Furthermore, I have only one tube.  

When I had an ectopic/tubal pregnancy 3 years prior they had to remove my right tube (and the baby) to save my life. It had ruptured and I was near death.  If there is no tube to "tie" there is no way to ensure 100% sterilization.  "An ambitious swimmer could make its way up to the egg without a tube" and I could end up pregnant anyhow.

Okay, vasectomy sounds like a good idea then, right? We made the appointment, had the pre-op exam, filed all the FMLA paperwork with Dan's job, requested the days off.  All of it. Then came a feeling of impending doom.  A sense of loss.  Dan didn't describe to me his exact emotions, just that he wasn't sure this was a good idea.  It wasn't the right time. There were insurance issues & the appointment was cancelled and rescheduled by the doctor.

If this is permanent we can do it anytime, right? Can we think about it again next year? We decided to pray on it all weekend and if we still felt this way Monday, we would cancel the surgery.  It is hard to explain what we felt, what changed, what happened.  But God moved us. Dan looked at me with tears in his eyes, holding our newborn baby, and said "Look what we almost missed out on."  (If we had that hysterectomy originally planned.)

{Look at this baby.  How can I imagine a life without him?}

Of course the further from pregnancy, labor, and delivery I get, the more I want to do it a hundred more times. My children are amazing. Every damn day I am thankful for them, even on the really bad days. The challenging ones, the tiring, draining ones.  I still find my purpose in mothering. So maybe God intends for our family to be complete, or maybe He is protecting us from surgery He does not intend for us to have??

We haven't made our birth control plans for life yet.  Our current plan is only a temporary solution.  We are still seeking clarity from the Lord. And we are living without regret.