tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27878141298283437452024-03-13T12:18:18.373-05:00Simply Blessed Journey of LifeI'm a wife to an amazing man, a mother to 5 amazing children on earth and 11 precious ones in Heaven, a Child of God, a forgiven sinner,a chronic oversharer, a homeschool mom to special needs kids, an autism parent & advocate, an amateur blogger, and a warrior.SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.comBlogger139125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-12270752066487498002023-11-16T16:40:00.002-06:002023-11-16T16:40:42.411-06:00My PAL Journey: Weeks 36 to 39My first thought: How the heck am I STILL PREGNANT?! In the morning I will be 39 weeks pregnant! Over a week longer than I have EVER made it. We've been expecting his arrival for about 5 weeks now, convinced many times "this is the day."<br />
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As much as I'm miserable & uncomfortable, I'm trying to savor these last weeks of pregnancy. I will never be pregnant again. While I will NOT miss the anxiety, weight gain, daily injections, extreme nausea, back and pelvic pain, engorgement, etc. I WILL miss this season of life. I look forward to the next season, of course, but I am suddenly acutely aware that this is the last time I will have a newborn baby.<br />
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Pregnancy has been such a major part of my life for 16 years. It honestly has defined who I am. I never had a transition period from child to adult - I went straight from being a Junior in High School to being a Mother. My entire course in life was defined by a pregnancy. I DEEPLY love my husband and children but I'm not sure I would have married my high school boyfriend if I had not been pregnant at 16. I'm glad for that path my life took but it WAS a direct result of pregnancy.<br />
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Over the past 16 years I have either been pregnant, recovering from pregnancy, trying to GET pregnant, or mourning a pregnancy loss. I am who I am BECAUSE I am a mother. Because I've lost 11 babies. Because of the difficult nature of my pregnancies.<br />
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It was due to a very scary pregnancy with my 3rd child, Dean, that we made the choice for me to become a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. I was on bedrest for 5 months and we discovered we COULD, in fact, live on one income if we really wanted to make the needed sacrifices. <br />
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Losing babies changed how I parent, how I view relationships, my mental health and anxiety, even how my marriage operates. It strengthened my faith, my marriage, and even many friendships. <br />
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So you can see that while I am ready to get this baby out and we have peace about permanent birth control, it is bittersweet that this pregnancy is coming to an end.<br />
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<br />SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-43709398449301655792017-02-10T10:25:00.002-06:002022-01-15T16:18:08.570-06:00My PAL Journey: Weeks 33 to 35<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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These days I'm feeling very much like an elephant. Not just because I'm as big as one and feel as though I'm carrying a baby elephant in my tummy. But because an elephant's gestational period is 22 months. I have been pregnant for 19 of the past 21 months so far. Yup. <br />
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To be more accurate if I peed on a stick it would be positive but some of that time was actually the process of miscarrying or having surgery to remove retained dead pregnancy tissue from the uterus - if you want the TMI details. So the hormones were still there. <br />
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So I feel like I have been pregnant FOREVER waiting for this Little Man. <br />
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This has been a looooong process - how many days I've spent throwing up, recovering from surgery, getting poked with needles for IVs and meds and blood draws. But I knew in my heart God had this child meant for us and we had to endure and have faith. There has been a lot of criticism & hurt, and he's not here yet, but I'm so close I can see the other side now. It's worth it.<br />
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33 weeks along </div>
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35 weeks</div>
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Our first-ever 3D ultrasound! Baby Xander at 33 weeks along!</div>
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This coming Monday is my LAST P17 injection - which is used to prevent preterm labor. I still have the twice-daily blood thinner shots but I choose to celebrate every little milestone. And it is a pretty big milestone to no longer medically STOP labor after next week. <br />
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Things are good in general - good blood pressure, perfect weight gain, fluid levels are good, all the biophysical profile ultrasounds show a flawless, healthy baby! I'm not a fan of this new sciatic nerve back pain - and my leg going numb at random, or the episodes of feeling faint and seeing flashing lights. That said, I'm so grateful for how well the pregnancy is going!<br />
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Each week's clinic visit involves a biophysical profile (ultrasound) and a non-stress test (monitors heartbeat of baby and my contractions) so we are watching him CLOSELY!<br />
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Little Man is BIG. At my 34 week growth ultrasound he was measuring 2-4 weeks ahead in every area and 6# 12oz!! (On average babies weigh less than 5 pounds at that stage.) While not always 100% accurate the ultrasound is still a good estimate. Julia was 5#7, Taylor 6#9, Dean 6#11 and Bruce was a whopping 7#15 at birth. So if I went to term this would by far be my biggest baby.<br />
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Bruce had an enormous head. Like WAAAAAYYY above average. And he kinda just fell out. So I got this - I can handle it!<br />
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Despite the contractions and the pain I'm only dilated to about a 2. Guys, that's like a blueberry and I have to get all the way to a bagel before baby can arrive. (A little more TMI - it may not be safe to read my blog if you are squeamish, lol.)<br />
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I'm aware it is still "too early" to have this baby and it is best to hang in there a bit longer (I'm in week 35). I agree. That said, the pain is high and the anxiety is off the charts. There is still fear something may go wrong. <br />
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God can be glorified in all things. He does not "owe me" this baby. God is still good no matter the outcome of this pregnancy. So yes, I'm afraid. Because I have no control and that is scary. It's okay to be anxious, to be worried, to wish I was on the other side of this pregnancy with a healthy baby in my arms. I cling to what I can and I know God is with us in any outcome. Still, I'm praying for a happy ending. <br />
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Add to that anxiety the everyday discomforts of being 8 months pregnant (shots, back and pelvic pain, contractions) and yeah, of course I'm ready, whether Xander is or not, lol!!<br />
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Bruce is ready for his Big Brother status upgrade. He talks to Xander all day long, telling him all about the world around him that he can't see while inside my tummy. He kisses my belly and says "I love you, Xander." My favorite Big Brother Bruce moment so far happened 2 nights ago. He placed his hand on my belly while Xander had hiccups and exclaimed "Xander is laughing at me, Mom!! He's glad I'm here."SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-60155032696796141452017-01-23T23:22:00.002-06:002022-01-15T16:21:17.550-06:00My PAL Journey: Weeks 27 to 32<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I don't know why I'm having such a difficult time sitting down to write this. There is nothing bad to say at all; it's just that the entire subject is activating (as in it triggers anxiety and grief). I know <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/12/my-pal-journey-weeks-20-26.html" target="_blank">I said my anxiety had improved</a> - and while it has in the sense that it is not <i>all-consuming</i>, it certainly still exists. Like that pesky gray hair that won't go away (not that I'm speaking from experience or anything, lol). My goal in <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/08/my-pal-journey-weeks-1-9.html" target="_blank">chronicling this journey</a> was to bring awareness to pregnancy after losses and my hope is that by being real here someone will relate and feel less lonely as a result. So <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/08/14-truths-about-pregnancy-after-loss.html" target="_blank">here's my truths</a> for these past few weeks:</div>
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I'm in a stage of pregnancy where I am sorta "damned if you do, damned if you don't." I am a planner. I LOVE planning and enjoy thinking out every detail. <u>Not</u> being prepared - over-prepared to be more accurate - incites a bit of anxiety.</div>
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Know what else triggers anxiety? Planning for Baby Xander's arrival. Yup. You can imagine my conflict here. I have almost no leftover baby gear/clothing/supplies because we thought Bruce was our last baby and got rid of things as he outgrew them. I've been purchasing items as I encounter good deals <i>but</i> leaving the tags on or keeping them in their packaging. I did allow myself to wash a few used/garage sale clothing items in preparation and the entire time I was folding the basket I kept thinking <i>"ohmygosh I just killed my baby."</i></div>
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No lie. I don't believe in jinxing or a self-fulfilled prophecy that fearing pregnancy loss will actually cause my baby to die. And yet... I know that having the STUFF here, in my face, costing money and taking up space, will make a loss more difficult in the aftermath. So there is some truth to the fear that buying a car seat will cause me to lose the baby (more accurately it makes losing the baby harder later). I know it isn't rational. Knowing that doesn't erase the butterflies I feel or the heart racing fear. </div>
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I can't NOT plan either. That causes a panic that I won't have what I need when the time comes (i.e. a car seat and outfit to go home from the hospital in). The opposite is also true - refusing to prepare is like saying I don't have hope that I will bring my beautiful, living son home. I do believe that. The excitement is creeping in and I am attempting to make room for that emotion.</div>
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I am working on finding the balance between what I need now and what can wait a bit longer. It's emotionally exhausting. Dan and I were at Babies R Us buying a car seat and I noticed all the other expectant moms around me, furiously scanning items to add to their registry and filling their carts to the brim. None of them is going into this expecting it to end poorly. And while I am not either, there <b>is</b> something different. I think I envy their naivety. I want that so desperately - to plan for the safe arrival of a baby that I will take home and raise to adulthood <i>without</i> an elevated and somewhat ridiculous fear that something will go wrong. I wish shopping brought me the joy it once did instead of an irrational panic. </div>
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Rainbow Baby Xander - looks like I'm committed to the name now that I've personalized the crayon! </div>
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These past couple months of pregnancy have been relatively uneventful - compared to my prior pregnancies. I've switched to a shorter acting blood thinner and now need to have a shot TWICE a day instead of once. I go in to the Perinatal Clinic weekly for my P17 shot and monitoring. Today marked my first weekly Biophysical Profile and Non Stress Testing for the duration of the pregnancy. <br />
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That means I get adorable ultrasound photos like this one even MORE frequently. I love it. I need it. So much joy and peace is found on that black and white screen. </div>
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I failed my initial 1 hour glucose test (for gestational diabetes) so I needed to go back in for the fasting 3 hour. Here's the thing: Drinking pure sugar in a matter of minutes after 13 hours of fasting when I already suffer from Hyperemesis is a plan for Failure. I kept the drink down maybe 20 minutes into the 3 hours. I had already taken TWO prescription anti-nausea meds before the blood draws so I wasn't going to ever successfully complete that test, lol. Long story shortened: I don't have GD for now.</div>
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The contractions are strong, the cramps are painful, the pelvic, leg, and back pain from Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction is brutal, my leg keeps going numb from sciatica and I feel nauseous, dizzy, and faint daily. The bruises on my belly from the shots are turning my entire stomach black and blue. Yup, I'm pregnant. I am so grateful to STILL be pregnant that these things are not a tragedy, however I AM pretty uncomfortable and struggling to accomplish as many physical tasks as I need. Oh, and I'm fat too. </div>
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29 weeks</div>
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31 weeks</div>
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Today my husband and I took a hospital birth center tour. I have never done this before with any prior pregnancy. I've delivered 6 babies at 5 different locations and it never really worked out to take one. (My first was born so unexpectedly early it was weeks before the prenatal classes I had registered for!) <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-2-birth-story.html" target="_blank">I have actually delivered a baby at The Mother Baby Center at Abbott Minneapolis before - my son Oliver</a>. However that was different as he was stillborn and the experience isn't the same. I didn't know hospital policies in advance (like today I learned about visitors, the NICU, food and laboring options, etc.) or what a post partum room looked like.</div>
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It was good we took the tour. Here I was, standing in a Labor & Delivery room identical to the one Oliver had been born in last year. I felt the huge wave of grief try to consume me as I stared at the empty isolette, awaiting the arrival of a living child, taunting me and reminding me that my dead baby had laid on those same blankets. </div>
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Then the craziest thing happened. As we moved on in the tour to the post partum recovery rooms and the guide began to talk about rooming in with our babies and how we would hold them while they were getting their hospital bands and being inspected, etc. the waves of grief calmed. The grief was replaced with anticipation and healing delight. "<i>They expect my baby to live. </i> That is why she's telling me about the diapers located in the bassinet drawers." I whispered to my husband.</div>
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Now when I go to this amazing birth center to deliver Xander it will not be my first time there since Oliver died. The weight of the memories feels less heavy. The location has less power now. The grief will always be there but less startling and present. Now I can move forward and replace grief with healing when I enter those doors and labor in those rooms. I'm glad I went, despite the resurgence of sadness. Because now the joy can be let in. I was afraid to feel that emotion before but now I am open to soaking in as much joy as I can for as long as I can. For now, I choose Hope.</div>
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I'll leave you with this photo caption:<br />
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-size: 14px;">Bruce happened to be cuddling with me when Baby Xander started kicking. Bruce will now not remove his hand from my bare belly so he can feel all the baby's kicks!! It's been like an hour sitting like this with them! Bruce says "Xander says he wants to come out!!" #hope </span>SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-8782964171191366042016-12-08T10:02:00.000-06:002017-02-11T22:33:48.777-06:00My PAL Journey: Weeks 20-26<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/10/my-pal-journey-weeks-15-to-19.html" target="_blank">In my last post</a>, I shared I was struggling greatly with anxiety and worry about the baby. While there obviously is still some of that - that is natural for someone with my history - I am grateful to say the panic has decreased.</div>
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"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:31</div>
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Our Pastor has been doing a sermon series on Sundays about the search for meaning in our lives. While this was not on Mothering specifically, the general concept is that our purpose, worth, value, and meaning are not found in this world. Not in work, accomplishment, money, relationships, or success. Our value is in Christ alone. My worth is as a Christian. My purpose for being is to worship Him.</div>
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I caught myself telling God "Okay, you need to keep this baby alive because being a mom is my whole world. My purpose for existence is being a mom. I could not go on without my children." I stopped mid-prayer. Wait a minute. Isn't my soul's purpose found in Christ? Do not all my children belong to Him? If I wasn't a mom I would still have value. </div>
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For sure my children are more precious to me than anything on this earth. But God's in control, not me. It is scary when things are outside of my control. In that, I can put my Hope in the Lord. My Hope goes deeper than a longing. My Trust is in the Lord. My Purpose is in Him. My Rest is in the Lord.</div>
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If this is true then I am more than a mom. I still adore motherhood. But I always felt that was what defined me and it is not. So much peace is found in placing my soul's value - my sole purpose - in God. Fear's power over me is fading and losing ground. I so dearly love this baby boy. I want him to arrive healthy and breathing and hold him in my arms. But the intense grip fear had on me is loosening as I find my purpose in Christ. </div>
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I am sure I am not saying any of this eloquently and don't misinterpret this to mean I don't place high value in my work as a mom or that I don't have deep love for my kids. Just to say my anxiety is decreasing. I don't necessarily feel "safe" or "secure" about the pregnancy, just peace. </div>
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It helps that Little Man is kicking and I feel movement throughout the day, which brings a lot of reassurance with it. Look at this crazy ultrasound photo of his feet right up by his head!</div>
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Baby is growing well. I've been having very strong, painful, frequent contractions but they aren't doing too much damage. A little thinning and dilating but we did expect preterm labor to happen so it isn't anything too surprising. I added another med to relax contractions and prevent labor but it makes me very sleepy so I am pretty limited as to when I can take it. So I spend most days with intense contractions & painful cramps as my baseline. The pelvic, back, and leg pain is increasing as well. But I've made it to the 3rd trimester so that's pretty normal stuff, especially for my 7th baby (this will be 7 deliveries). </div>
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The kids love feeling Little Man kick and are getting excited about his arrival in 3 months. I didn't want anyone to get too attached or get their hopes up but loving the baby just came naturally!</div>
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Otherwise things are pretty status quo. Baby's growth is good. A little behind in some measurements and a little ahead in others (like really long legs) and it averages together perfectly - 51st percentile. I'm continuing to see the doctor weekly for P17 injections and heart tones. I just graduated from 10 weeks of weekly ultrasounds to measure cervix length and am a couple weeks away from the biophysical profile monitoring; kinda in a holding zone. It's not a bad place to be though.</div>
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20 weeks! I made it halfway!</div>
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25 week baby bump. I'm gonna be huge by the end of this! I'm working on being okay with that and the whole body-acceptance thing. It's worth it in the end. </div>
<br />SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-3373726388779597192016-10-25T18:30:00.000-05:002016-10-27T20:49:41.692-05:00My PAL Journey: Weeks 15 to 19<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's amazing how much my perspective changed once I began to feel a bit better. My mood shifted from anger, bitterness, and misery to delight, hope, and optimistic anticipation! Well, that and fear. I've been pregnant after multiple losses many times. I knew to expect a reasonable amount of anxiety. But if I'm being real here, which I can be to a fault, this is more than Reasonable Anxiety. History-based Fear spiraling into actual panic attacks. I hadn't had much experience with those before. Yeah, not fun.<br />
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A good excuse to lean on God daily! God is good all the time, in all things. Praise is always the right response. He is on my side and cares deeply for me. I refuse to let fear distort truth. <br />
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"But Jesus immediately said to them: 'Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." -Matthew 14:27<br />
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I was told the other day "be careful who you vent to about your anxiety; most people will say you shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place." My husband and I are so in love with our family planning choices that we don't need others to love them to feel secure. What I'm doing takes courage. That said, I am greatly encouraged by the support of others. So if you've dealt with anxiety and have advice, bring it on.<br />
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"Things" are going really well; it is a fairly uneventful pregnancy. I am no longer needing IVs for the nausea & vomiting, I have started the weekly P17 shots (to prevent preterm labor), am continuing the daily blood thinner injections, and have weekly ultrasounds to check cervical length and heartbeat of baby. So while I may involve a few more "pokes and prods" than some moms, it is still a relatively normal pregnancy!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFqMDvIvGHFP7GhX-LZT-8u_AF0JU5XtGm7wRbKBm-hHkbs6oZzBA7UctDWoHNDOkCd6yfNn7_-LJV1RBLWNam_Rl0M9nNsepXz1wb58O-JZ9h4Fji9MbzccvPJqABcCsuRZe0mWCBvD0/s1600/IMG_4040.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFqMDvIvGHFP7GhX-LZT-8u_AF0JU5XtGm7wRbKBm-hHkbs6oZzBA7UctDWoHNDOkCd6yfNn7_-LJV1RBLWNam_Rl0M9nNsepXz1wb58O-JZ9h4Fji9MbzccvPJqABcCsuRZe0mWCBvD0/s320/IMG_4040.JPG" width="320" /></a>Even with things going well so far, I still wait on edge in the doctor office each week, fearing bad news. Everything is fine until it's not, historically, and fear begets fear, and there is some amount of trauma involved in being in those same rooms that bad news has been delivered to me in before. I'm learning more and more to be present in the moment as a way to push through the anxiety.<br />
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I'm far more able to see the joyful parts of this process now that I've rejoined the world of the living. (As in the hyperemesis has subsided enough to function again.) My close friend had her baby 3 weeks ago and Bruce is enamored. I think he "gets" what having a baby sibling means now and is very into his Future Big Brother role. So now he is excited about MY baby in my tummy.<br />
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"Look Mom, I made your baby!"</div>
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Little One has not been particularly cooperative so it took 4 ultrasounds to determine the gender with certainty. I know either gender would make me happy but I didn't realize I wanted a boy so much - until I heard it was!! I'm really very excited. Perhaps I was just happy to KNOW the gender, as it personalizes the experience more. I can pray for my "son" and say "he" instead of "it." It makes this SO REAL!<br />
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IT'S A BOY!!!</div>
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I haven't done weekly baby bump pictures, even though they make for precious memories, but I did take these selfies at an outing on the Twins Field last week. 18 week baby bump!</div>
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I've noticed how uncomfortable others are with miscarriage. It was a tough enough topic to avoid when I was smack in the middle of grief (not that I am one to avoid talking about loss) but it comes up A LOT during pregnancy after loss. </div>
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"Is this your first baby/pregnancy?" I struggle with how to answer this simple, innocent question. There is an internal struggle to honor my lost babies with my answer, a desire not to make others too uncomfortable, and a chronic compulsive need to overshare. I generally say "We are hoping for our 5th living." That leads into various reactions - mostly discomfort or judgement (5 is a LOT of kids after all, lol).</div>
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I'm trying to find a balance & learn to use my filter - not everyone needs or wants to hear my story AND I know I have been blessed by hearing others open up about their loss experiences. </div>
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<br />SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-6850896342102605712016-09-21T19:54:00.002-05:002022-01-15T16:24:49.738-06:00My PAL Journey: Weeks 9-14<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In my world, no news is good news. I'm happy to say I have no real "news." I'm still pregnant, which I'm grateful for. I have weekly ultrasounds and Little One looks good. No complications with Mom or Baby. Dare I say normal?! :) Yeah!!!<br />
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I'm so sorry I've been in my own little world and so wrapped up in myself - and really not a great friend as of late - I know this sickness from the hyperemesis is almost behind me and I will be closer to my normal self soon! Thanks for all the love and sticking with me! I'm 15 weeks tomorrow! So I'm getting there!!<br />
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We don't talk much about Little One or the pregnancy around here. The kids know. It is a fact that Mommy is pregnant. I've been sick so the kids are aware there is a difference. That's it though, no gender or name ideas or planning or room arrangement discussions, etc. So when Bruce said to me the other night "Let's pray for your baby (folds his hands)," and "I'm your baby's big brother." my heart melted. Yeah, he did that on his own. How sweet - and encouraging!<br />
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Here's a fun photo! My good friend Thuy is 38 weeks pregnant (and so over it and ready to have that baby) and I'm 14 weeks. I'm getting a bump as she is about to exchange hers for a baby and we had to get a shot of us while we were both pregnant. Also of note, I left the house!<br />
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Lately, I have been caught up in "The Shoulds." I SHOULD simply be grateful that I am pregnant at all. I am grateful. AND I'm sick of being sick. <br />
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When you are Pregnant after multiple losses the expectation is that you do not get to complain about ailments of pregnancy "typical" women are allowed to because you should have some special appreciation that magically makes you superhumanly immune to them.<br />
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I SHOULD be so over the moon to have this baby that I'm not bummed about my weight/body issues. That the shots and IV pokes don't bother me. As a Christian I SHOULD be so at peace in trusting God that I'm not worried or anxious that the baby will be okay. <br />
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If I'm being real with you; I'm epically failing at all these SHOULDS.<br />
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2 weeks I "graduated" from my hospital IV nutrition sessions! I don't feel fantastic yet, and I could easily continue going a couple more weeks since it DOES help me tremendously, but with the union nurses strike I decided to not schedule more sessions and hope I'm near enough to the end of the worst of it to survive. I made it through those 2 weeks just fine.<br />
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(Venting Warning) Plus, my poor veins can hold out no longer. They need a rest. I have horrid veins to begin with - and I have been poked and prodded endlessly in an attempt to connect to a vein that doesn't roll away or blow. The sites now itch and burn and are sore for days following a treatment. The other day the line infiltrated. Fortunately none of the meds I had were caustic but I did get a superficial (not dangerous) hematoma/blood clot, tons of swelling and bruising, a large, itchy rash, and pain for days in the entire arm. This happens MOST of the time. <br />
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These are terrible quality photos, but just to earn my Whining Award, I'm posting them.<br />
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While I've been this sick I've only tolerated a few certain foods - many of them bad for me. I'm eating poorly - high calorie, carbs, even fast food. I worked SO SO SO HARD to lose weight after Oliver was born. <br />
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So, while I am over 30 pounds lighter starting out this pregnancy than the one a year ago, I am still fat in general. In the past 16 months I have been pregnant or recovering postpartum from miscarriage, delivery, surgeries, and retained pregnancy tissue for <b>THIRTEEN</b> of those months. Losing weight and being healthier and fitter was deliberate, time consuming, hard work.<br />
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Here I am, only 14 weeks pregnant, and already 9 pounds ABOVE my pre-pregnancy weight, even though I normally lose 15 lbs the first trimester. I wasn't slender but my tummy was flat and now it's gross. I have so many body confidence issues that even though I WANT to be pregnant I am still bumming about this weight stuff pretty bad.<br />
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Even though I SHOULD be so thrilled about this baby I don't mind the weight gain, I do. My body issues are not magically disappearing. I hate being this fat and feeling so awful about my appearance.<br />
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I'm not mad I have difficult pregnancies. I came to accept that long ago (even my first ones were hard). But I AM struggling with resentment that I went through so much recently without having a living baby. As I do it all again I have PTSD type moments - I'm re-living the pain - and moments of anger over losing Oliver.<br />
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Bentlee was due a few days before THIS baby is due (6 years ago). As her 6th birthday/anniversary of her death comes up in 8 days I am even more fearful, as I follow the same gestational timeline with this pregnancy. Actually this is the 8th pregnancy where the baby was due end of Feb/begin of March. Both my boys are alive but the other 5 are NOT and so I'm having some fears and anxieties. <br />
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I've already lost last summer, last holiday season, and now this summer to being so, so sick. I've done the throwing-up-15-times-a-day. I've already gained (and lost) weight. I've already done the insane amount of OB appointments and blood tests. I've already given birth and had surgeries. I've already bruised and rashed up my stomach with daily blood thinner injections. And I've already done all the IV fluid pokes - multiple attempts to start an IV and digging around in my arms to catch the vein. I've done the justifying and explaining our choices to everyone over and again.<br />
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<b>Please let it work this time. I cannot say enough how happy I am for this chance! </b><br />
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I'm working on that bitterness and giving it over to God. I asked for this by getting pregnant again in search of that Happy Ending so this is all on me and I need to stop my complaining. I know. I'm trying to be patient with myself as I navigate the line between "should" and "actually am."<br />
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14 weeks</div>
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<br />SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-44692424794060835882016-08-13T00:29:00.000-05:002016-08-13T00:29:46.665-05:00Homemade Rainbow Playdough<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So my homemade playdough started with pumpkin spice for fall but kinda spiraled from there.</div>
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So I made rainbow play-doh: -vanilla coconut -pumpkin pie -grape glitter -blue spearmint -green is Christmas cookie -lemon -orange tangerine -black cherry -pink lemonade.</div>
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I generally use the same recipe for all the playdough bases and then the add-ins make each batch unique. Stir together the following dry ingredients in a saucepan then add the wet ingredients and cook on low heat. </div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #373737; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">1 cup flour</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #373737; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #373737; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">1/2 cup salt</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #373737; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #373737; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">1 cup water</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #373737; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #373737; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">2 Tbsp oil</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #373737; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #373737; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">2 tbsp cream of tartar</span></span></div>
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<b>Pumpkin Pie</b> = Add 1 Tbsp of pumpkin pie spice & 1/2 tsp of cinnamon & a pinch of clove spice</div>
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<b>Vanilla Coconut</b> = I replaced the vegetable oil with coconut oil & added a tsp of vanilla extract</div>
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This one is a bit less stable than others - it works great for play but will not keep as long as the others.</div>
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<b>Grape Glitter</b> = I added an entire packet of grape Kool-aid, a few drops of food coloring (I already had a purple but you can mix primary colors as well - I love the "Neon" colors pack) and a Tbsp of purple glitter.</div>
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<b>Blue Spearmint</b> (my favorite) = I added blue food coloring & a couple drops of Spearmint Essential Oil (another option is peppermint extract if your're not into oils - color it red)</div>
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<b>Green Christmas Cookie</b> = I've heard amazing things about Frankincense being used for calming in kids but the smell of a few drops in the playdough was pretty bland so I added some cinnamon and it smelled just like Christmas! Several drops of green food dye created a deep green color.</div>
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<b>Lemon</b> = Add yellow food coloring & a few drops of lemon essential oil (or try lemonade drink mix powder if you do not have oils - replacing the water with actual lemon juice will not work as it will change the consistency too much).</div>
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<b>Orange Tangerine</b> = Red & Yellow food coloring to create orange & a few drops of Tangerine essential oil. I have also used orange Kool-aid mix and a citrus-y DoTerra oil called "Cheer."</div>
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<b>Black Cherry</b> = the coloring and scent both come from black cherry Kool aid packet </div>
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<b>Pink Lemonade</b> = Country Time pink lemonade drink mix (I used 2 Tbsp) & 2 drops lemon oil</div>
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Also, visit this post is a recipe for<b> Gingerbread Playdough & Candy Cane Dough</b></div>
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If stored properly in sealed gallon zipper bags they will last for 6 months. When the kids play with them I occasionally knead the dough and if at all sticky add a tiny bit of flour while kneading.<br />
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SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-56925262509566840762016-08-13T00:18:00.002-05:002016-08-13T00:26:40.981-05:0014 Truths About Pregnancy After Loss <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Pregnancy after loss is different. <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/09/pregnancy-delivery-and-parenting-after.html" target="_blank">High risk pregnancy with hyperemesis</a> after MULTIPLE losses at various stages of pregnancy for several different reasons is filled with sheer terror. As much as I WANT this baby, as much as I already LOVE it, I’m barely HAPPY or excited. Anxiety & Fear are the dominant emotions and dwarf any competing thoughts. <br />
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Okay, I know what you’re asking “Is this a pregnancy announcement?” Not exactly. I AM pregnant. (I've written a little bit about <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/08/my-pal-journey-weeks-1-9.html" target="_blank">that pregnancy in this post.</a>) However, the sad thing is I never know how long any pregnancy of mine will last. So with this post, my hope is it has staying power and value beyond THIS pregnancy. That others can relate to my experiences and not feel so alone. Because, let me tell you, I FEEL alone in these emotions.<br />
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In the course of my child-bearing journey (<a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/08/ob-history.html" target="_blank">my obstetric history</a> is in another post - and <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/05/an-explanation-defense-of-our-family.html" target="_blank">this post explains</a> why we decided to try once more after our most recent loss) <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-was-watching-brucie-try-to-crawl-today.html" target="_blank">I have had a rainbow baby</a> after losses AND <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-2-birth-story.html" target="_blank">losses after that </a>baby. I found giving myself permission TO BE and FEEL whatever came (& not apologize for it) to be the most helpful way to manage a Pregnancy After Loss (PAL).<br />
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<b>Things I’ve found true in pregnancy after loss:</b><br />
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1.) <b>There is no aspect of my life that is not impacted by pregnancy.</b> From what meds I can take and shampoo I can use (smells bother me) to insurance issues. How much I can take on or what commitments I make are based on sickness & bedrest upcoming. I wrestle with who to tell and when. I don’t WANT to tell people (because, oh the judgment and hurtful comments) but how can I not when I’m too sick to honor commitments or volunteer and the events I DO attend I am clearly sick and throwing up?! <i>The morning sickness tells for me. </i></div>
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2.) Losing babies does not remove my desire to have another child but it does <b>rob me of the innocence and joy many others get to feel during pregnancy</b>. The illusion that a positive pregnancy test results in snuggles with a newborn is shattered. I want this child <b>AND</b> I DON’T want to have another pregnancy loss. “Why would you risk going through another miscarriage?” (Oh yeah, justifying my pregnancy is another thing I have to do.) <i>Because the reward is worth the risk.</i> Because I’m not SUPPOSED to lose any of the babies. But oh how I envy those parents who plan and prep for Baby's arrival without the same fears I have. I don't buy gear or clothing or set up the crib. Those are things Moms with Innocence get to do.<br />
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3.) <b>A lot of people become VERY interested in my family planning choices.</b> “Did you try for this one?” “Again?” “Don’t you have enough?” “Is this your last ‘try’?” “Aren’t you done yet?” “I thought the last one was your last one?” “Aren’t you afraid this one is going to die too?” “Wow, that was fast – getting pregnant most not be the problem, just keeping it?” (BTW there have been multiple times we tried for a couple YEARS between a loss and a new pregnancy - my kids are all 3-5 years apart.) "Why can't you just be happy with the kids you do have?" (Please know that my adoration of my existing children and blessings I know I have exist <b>AT THE SAME TIME</b> as my desire to have another baby. Wanting a happy ending this pregnancy does NOT mean I am not "satisfied" with my life. What a ridiculous notion.) <br />
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A lot of well- intentioned <b>people say some pretty hurtful things</b>. Some days I feel maybe I want to keep this a secret, private, free from the excessive volume of criticism that comes but I am unable to due to the sickness and life-halting nature of my pregnancies. Then again, <b>I want you to celebrate with me </b>- like "normal" moms do. I'm working on not being so easily hurt by these statements.<br />
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4.) <b>I’ve stopped apologizing</b> for making others uncomfortable & I'm done caretaking anyone else’s emotions. I don’t have the emotional energy at this point. I don’t mean for my discussion about my miscarriages to make you uncomfortable but I also don’t really care. I’m not gonna change me. I don’t MEAN to be controversial – I’m just living my life and honoring the choices my family has come to.<br />
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If I seem insensitive THAT I do totally apologize; <b>I’m really wrapped up in myself right now. </b>I truly believe in breaking the silence surrounding loss and the lonliness and stigma that comes from keeping quiet so others aren't uncomfortable. I'm done apologizing for all these crazy emotions I'm feeling too.<br />
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5.) I understand there are some pretty big things going on in the world around me right now (hey, isn’t this an election year?!) but <b>I am SO selfish these days</b>. So much is going on in MY little world that I don’t always invest much in these other things. I do apologize for being selfish, for not noticing, Dear Friend, that you have big stuff going on in your world too. I’ll be back to reality in a few months. I hope. Part of it is the sickness and once I am past that my field of vision will expand a bit.<br />
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6.) <b>A new child NEVER replaces one lost.</b> It will not “fix” the pain or “cure” the hurt. A new pregnancy doesn’t replace a child lost. But the same desire for a child that was there before still exists. (Therefore deciding NOT to try again won’t “fix” things either. <b>You don’t fix losing babies – you live on as a new person</b>.) I will say though that having <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-was-watching-brucie-try-to-crawl-today.html" target="_blank">a Rainbow Baby </a>after loss DID bring so much healing. <i>I love having that to look forward to. </i><br />
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7.) <b>Time moves VEEERRYY slowly.</b> I measure life in gestational dating “8 weeks and 5 days pregnant.” When I am THIS sick and my anxiety is THIS high, time seems to stand still. The time between ultrasounds seems an eternity. People, hear me. I am not being dramatic – I am really THAT sick. My days consist of crawling from the bed to the bathroom in between vomiting sessions. I cannot even keep ice cubes down. I’m so nauseous and weak that I cannot talk, read a book, or even use the computer for more than a few minutes at a time (I intended to post this a couple weeks ago – sickness is delaying it). I’m losing a fair amount of weight - even with going in for IV fluids a couple times a week. I’m being real with you here. Pain from the hunger. Weakness from dehydration. Anxiety wondering if Baby is okay. While time passes at a normal speed for the world around me, for me, <b>minutes feel like DAYS.</b><br />
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8.) <b>My faith falters.</b> As long as I’m getting real with you, I may as well admit it. I have a pretty strong Christian faith but I DO struggle at times. I still somedays wonder WHY – what is the purpose or tangible take away from all this hurt? All of that sickness. All those blood thinner shots. Yet, eleven of my babies are in Heaven. Stillborn TWICE. Flukes, not a repeat health problem. No lie, just lightening striking repeatedly (that luck never translates to winning the lottery though). I prayed daily for my son to live. It’s not the baby dying so much as all the rest that comes with – extra surgeries, the hyperemesis, the criticism. So, yeah, sometimes I falter. I get upset with God. I forget to pray. <i>He always draws me back to Him</i> – God is good all the time, in all things. <b>Most days are good ones. He carries me. But yeah, some days I struggle. Please tell me I’m not alone in this. </b><br />
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9.) <b>I feel like I’m experiencing PTSD</b> each time I go through pregnancy. I lost babies at different stages so I don’t feel like there is a “safe point.” I had a healthy baby born between losses and can tell you the fear doesn’t go away ever. Not even when I was holding my precious son after delivery. Joy finally was allowed through the emotional doorway but Anxiety still stood firm. I can’t imagine my life without that boy and everything we went through was worth it to get us to him.<br />
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So I’m basically reliving painful experiences because I am pregnant again. I have to go to the clinics and get the blood draws and vomit profusely and over analyze every cramp and pain and visit the same hospitals for IV fluids. Frequent ultrasounds with all the same techs. The ladies in the lab, the nurses, the gals at the front desk, and my doctor all know me well. The miserable symptoms. The shots of blood thinners in the abdomen every day, other weekly injections in the thigh, doctor visits more than once a week. The same conversations in the same rooms with the same staff about the same topics. Ultrasounds on the same machine that previously showed my baby was dead. I WANT THIS, yes, AND I feel like I’m reliving my worst nightmares. (I attend a different perinatal clinic than I did with Bentlee’s loss but the same as with Oliver’s).<br />
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10.) I want to be pregnant. <b>I am GLAD I am. I have hope.</b> <b>There IS excitement there.</b> I can’t help but imagine what life will look like with this child living and look forward to it. <i>I already love this child</i>, even when I try to put up a guard around my heart. But there is that caution “living.” “If” “Cautiously Optimistic.” “For however long this lasts.” <br />
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11.) <b>Being pregnant now does not remove the jealousy I have over other pregnant women.</b> NOT because they are pregnant- I am always happy for that. Or that their baby is alive – again ALWAYS, ALWAYS what I pray for. Maybe more because <b>I wish I</b> didn't know how much a loss like this hurts. Or maybe I’m just jealous that they <i>are closer to their happy ending</i> than I am. I was DUE FIRST. In 6 months I have seen TWO due dates come and go with NO living baby while OODLES of friends get their newborn.<br />
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On the opposite end though, <b>I still want to be a part of this special event in their life.</b> It is hard, there are tinges of sadness, AND I am happy for them and celebrate with them. I don’t want to be shut out or treated as fragile AND my sadness can be increased. <b>I have to reconcile emotions and that's okay.</b><br />
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12.) <b>Worry.</b> I over analyze the past, google self-diagnosis and worst case scenarios. There is no ONE thing wrong with me, but I have had a few incidences of bad luck, if that’s the right term. So I am paranoid rightfully so. <b>I think this is allowed. </b> The pressure to “be calm, no stress during pregnancy” is too much. Checking for blood every time I pee with my heart racing each time, terrified of miscarriage. Waiting for the good news to turn bad. Never feeling peace or reassurance for long. The same logic that says nothing bad should happen and the odds are in my favor being overshadowed by the blinding reality that those things that should not happen have many times.<br />
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13.) <b>I feel guilty about a lot of things.</b> That maybe I’m not honoring Oliver’s memory by being pregnant. That maybe I will lose this baby too. That I’m not soaking up and celebrating this pregnancy and telling everyone around me with excitement like this sweet child deserves. That I make decisions now based on prior experience. That I’m an inconvenience to those around me that deal with my sickness and my crazy.<br />
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14.) <b>I feel a deep appreciation for those closest to me that support me through this</b>. A Momma friend who has been there before and brings me meals. My friends/PCAs that are going above and beyond to help my family function while I’m sick or on bedrest. I feel intense love for my husband, who does so much to care for the kids, the home, AND me. <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/03/honoring-your-marriage-after-pregnancy.html" target="_blank">Who is my total rock in such a difficult emotional roller coaster.</a> Mostly, I’m thankful for life in general right now. The one I have, the one growing inside me, the children snuggling me…</div>
SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-75144235288576241752016-08-12T22:54:00.001-05:002016-08-13T14:17:22.353-05:00My PAL Journey: Weeks 1-9<div class="MsoNormal">
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Pregnancy After Loss is more easily referred to as PAL. I'm hoping to document MY pregnancy after loss - or my PAL journey.<br />
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<a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/08/14-truths-about-pregnancy-after-loss.html" target="_blank">Pregnancy after loss is different.</a> High risk pregnancy with
hyperemesis after MULTIPLE losses at various stages of pregnancy for several
different reasons is filled with sheer terror.
As much as I WANT this baby, as much as I already LOVE it, I’m barely HAPPY
or excited. Anxiety & Fear are the
dominant emotions and dwarf any competing thoughts. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m only 9 weeks pregnant and have already spent over 5 weeks with life at an absolute standstill. It’s been an adventure. It isn’t even that interventions are needed so
much as caution and awareness based on past history. As of now, things are good. Meaning if I was an
“ordinary” pregnant woman I’d be going in for my first routine visit just now.
But I’m not normal. So every symptom must be investigated.<br />
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The emotions this time around are all over the place. <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/08/14-truths-about-pregnancy-after-loss.html" target="_blank">This post talks more about that.</a></div>
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First came a week of blood draws every 48 hours (and I’m a
hard stick so that took a lot of work – but worthwhile since we found my progesterone
is low and supplements are needed) concluded by an ER visit for severe
lower-left-sided abdominal pain (where my only remaining tube is). I told the ER it is either a cyst on the
ovary (called corpus luteum) or an ectopic pregnancy. With a history of ectopic/tubal pregnancy it was important to investigate.<br />
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The ER told me there was no cyst, my uterus is
filled with fluid from a subchorionic hemorrhage, and that there was a
gestational sac (step 1), a yolk sac (step 2), and fetal pole (3) with no cardiac
activity (4<sup>th</sup> step) and most likely the baby was dead. Here’s the thing about being pregnant 15 times and being a “professional
patient” of sorts: I knew that some, if not all, of that is incorrect. At the
ER they know a little bit about a lot of things but I know at 4 weeks and 5
days along there most certainly is NOT a heartbeat and that is EXPECTED &
normal.<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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2 days later I had a follow up ultrasound at my usual clinic
with my usual trusted tech. NO free fluid, no hemorrhage, YES to the corpus
luteum cyst (told ya), and this time there is a possible but not definite yolk
sac within the gestational sac but there was NOT in the ER ultrasound (they viewed the records). I knew
that.<o:p></o:p><br />
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3 weeks ago the ultrasound showed this time a clear yolk sac
AND a heartbeat in the fetal pole. The
heartbeat was lower than the size I was measuring BUT it was perfect for the
true to life dating of 5 weeks and 6 days.
The baby itself was measuring a week bigger and that’s very unusual at
this stage and they didn’t know what to make of it. So there was this new fear if all would be okay or not.<o:p></o:p><br />
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The following week (7weeks) we found perfect measurements & perfect
heartbeat (as in if I never went in for all these tests all would have been
just fine). The measuring big is due to
some weird globby in my uterus next to the sac – it is easier to tell now that it is scar tissue because my poor uterus HAS been through a lot this past year. I just gotta laugh.<o:p></o:p><br />
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<b>The ultrasound at 8 weeks and 4 days looked amazing as well! All is on track - growth, heartbeat, etc.</b><br />
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Having Hyperemesis is like morning sickness on steroids. I’m
normally active, over scheduled, and multitasking but have been reduced to a
bedridden mess. The nausea is so bad that if I try to take a shower I throw up
while I’m in it. Yup. That sexiness continues in all settings - like throwing up in the car. Yum.<br />
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Life is on a survival mode now – take meds, sleep, try to
force some food down, cuddle with the kids. I’m blessed to have people in my
life that support me- who are taking the kids to their appointments and caring
for them when I struggle to. That alleviates some of the misery.<o:p></o:p><br />
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I’m scheduled to receive hospital IV fluids and meds twice a
week. I’ve been for a couple weeks now
& although this is helpful it IS hard to be in the Maternal Assessment
Center and hear women in the other rooms hooked up to the monitors. Hearing
their babies healthy heartbeat. Watching them head to delivery – to be on the
other side of the stressful pregnancy part. <o:p></o:p><br />
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I'm gonna whine a bit more here: I am a hard stick especially when it comes to IV lines. Each time I come in for fluids it generally takes more than one try to successfully set up a line. My veins roll away and blow. The day of these photos was 3 pokes and once they had a good connection they used that SAME EXACT SPOT 4 MORE TIMES. On that 5th day the vein blew and my skin puffed up and burned. It's really not all that pleasant.<br />
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So, here I am. 9 weeks. I had another scare - this time with a fair amount of spotting and cramping. It stopped the next day. I have not been in to the clinic since then BUT I do find the baby on my home doppler every day! I love that reassurance. <br />
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I've officially been transferred for care to the Perinatal Clinic (high risk specialists) in Minneapolis. I am in great hands and they know my medical history well and I love how familiar the doctor is with each patients file. I trust this medical team. The doctor looks up from my chart and says "Wow, you just can't make this stuff up."<br />
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I started my blood thinner shots this week. I hate them but understand why they are important. I am also on baby aspirin the duration of the pregnancy & progesterone supplements until week 12. The plan is the same as usual. I will take 17P injections weeks 16-36 to prevent preterm labor (this has been successful for me every time). They monitor cervical length as well as weekly heart tones and check ins. We are doing all we can do but since nothing is "wrong" this is ultimately in God's Hands, as it is with any pregnancy.<br />
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Guys, I really want this. Like, we are all putting in the work and investing in this pregnancy. This child is loved. I can't wait for our happy ending to arrive. </div>
SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-5213127169400998322016-03-19T01:44:00.000-05:002016-06-08T22:57:48.666-05:00Honoring Your Marriage After Pregnancy Loss<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Something I feel passionate in writing about is honoring your marriage and fostering your relationship after pregnancy loss. My caveat is this: I am not a marriage expert. Nor am I a counselor or trained professional of any kind. But we are a couple who have gone through multiple pregnancy losses together. (At various stages of pregnancy and very different types and causes of loss.) I wanted to share what has worked for Dan & me. Not every couple is the same nor is every situation, but these are things that were important for us.<br />
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<b>1.) Recognize that you may grieve differently.</b> That you may have bonded with the child at different levels or in different ways. Don't expect him to react the same way that you are and don't accuse him of not grieving. Dan allowed me to cry, <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-dark-place-grief-loss.html" target="_blank">to fall to pieces</a>, and talk and <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-2-birth-story.html" target="_blank">share the details very publically</a> (not every loss, <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-3-goodbye.html" target="_blank">but many of them</a>). It is not how he would do it but he understands that that is what grief looks like for me. Find a way to grieve together.<br />
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<b>2.) Don't put a time limit on grieving.</b> Dan gives me time to <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/07/i-still-miss-you.html" target="_blank">grieve the loss</a> (there is often more than one thing you have "lost" in this situation) and does not pressure me to get back to normal or "feel better" faster. The timeline is different for each person but <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/09/happy-birthday-in-heaven.html" target="_blank">it definitely does not go away</a> as fast as other think it should. <br />
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<b>3.) Support each other.</b> He holds my hand when I cry. He holds me when <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-3-in-between.html" target="_blank">I do not have the strength to stand.</a> He prays with me. There are times when he too needs support. I think he has a smaller support system than I do regarding this (it's just our personalities - I have more friendships and am more open & know more women who have been in this place before) and that's why it's important that I am there for him to talk to as well. <br />
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<b>4.) Don't place blame.</b> In our case each loss has had different circumstances and causes. None were preventable, as far as we know, and none could have been predicted. I do not have a medical condition causing me to have a likely outcome of loss - but even if I did, he would not BLAME and FAULT me. It can go the other way too, because in our grief we search for answers in places there are none.<br />
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<b>5.) Give each other grace</b> as you go through the grieving process because it can make you do some uncharacteristic things. I'm sure I've been unpleasant lately: the sleep struggles & grief & anger lead to me being cranky, short tempered, hurtful with my words at times. Don't have too high of expectations of each other.<br />
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<b>6.) Talk about what's next.</b> Communication is important so TALK to each other. Determine if you plan to try again or not (or any other options) and get on the same page at some point, as that can tear you away from each other a bit. Even if you don't agree initially it's important to get those thoughts about the future out of your head and into a conversation.<br />
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<b>7.) Don't neglect the couple part of your marriage</b> - feed your romantic relationship. Take time together. Still make time for dates; it's maybe more important now than ever. Recognize the beauty and love that caused you to create precious life. <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-2-birth-story.html" target="_blank">When we held Oliver </a>we said "we made this - together" and it was beautiful. <i>In that moment I loved that man more than any before it.</i><br />
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<b>8.) Don't neglect intimacy.</b> Don't let your sex life become all about trying for the next pregnancy (or about avoiding one). Spend time loving each other and focus on the closeness and bonding that can come from such an intimate experience. You are walking through this together.<br />
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<b>9.) Continue to pray</b> for <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/30-day-30-minute-prayer-challenge-day-7.html" target="_blank">each other</a> and for <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/30-day-30-minute-prayer-challenge-day-4.html" target="_blank">your marriage.</a> (I'd love for you to read <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/30-day-30-minute-prayer-challenge-day-4.html" target="_blank">this one</a> on marriage.)<br />
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<b>10.) Talk to each other about your hurts but don't put the full burden exclusively on each other.</b> I opened up to friends and family for support and tried to disperse some of my moments of heartache around a bit so as not to overwhelm Dan. He takes on the Protector and Comforter role so well that it can get in the way of allowing his ownself to grieve. If I need him to "fix it" a little less that allows him to heal his own hurts a little more. Be discerning who you share with though, as people, with good intentions, <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/08/my-pregnancy-journey-part-5-special.html" target="_blank">are not all able to support you.</a><br />
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<b>11.) Acknowledge life is still happening</b> and all the same<b> enemies attacking your marriage</b> before are still there. Be aware and on the lookout. Don't neglect these things because they can creep in when you're vulnerable and catch you off guard. <br />
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<b>12.) Appreciate each other.</b> I thank him for supporting me. For recognizing my needs and acting on them and not dismissing them because his are not the same. He acknowledges what my body has through in giving birth and having surgery (and the shots and hyperemesis before that) and lets me know he appreciates it. He cares for me by tending to household/childcare duties to give me a break to heal. I tell him how much that means to me. <br />
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<b>13.) Don't put up a wall.</b> <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2014/06/this-is-for-you-dan-happy-13th.html" target="_blank">We have weathered so many storms together</a> because we let each other in.<br />
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<b>14.) Celebrate what you DO have.</b> Whatever that may be for you, know that there are always things in life <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-3-in-between.html" target="_blank">to be grateful for.</a><br />
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<b>15.) Find ways to grieve and celebrate your baby TOGETHER.</b> There <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio46fwjlp9b4WtKb2SbzBT31oIv6Kw5YwsVbjqHPOh9oSxDIczpm-PWi0eycDqHIco4fHuZe1bzZ4Xcv8MYtAYwGv1MZtx4WWdXnCcacbkDZODa-aqhFbyaDkGCvBoc6Z6GTuKQm7IZ-w/s1600/IMG_7160.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio46fwjlp9b4WtKb2SbzBT31oIv6Kw5YwsVbjqHPOh9oSxDIczpm-PWi0eycDqHIco4fHuZe1bzZ4Xcv8MYtAYwGv1MZtx4WWdXnCcacbkDZODa-aqhFbyaDkGCvBoc6Z6GTuKQm7IZ-w/s320/IMG_7160.JPG" width="320" /></a>are various things we've done. For <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/07/i-still-miss-you.html" target="_blank">Bentlee</a> and Oliver we went shopping together to find special keepsake boxes to store photos, cards, blankets, etc. We eat pink cupcakes each year on Bentlee's birthday. <br />
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We got tattoos to represent those babies so we can show them off and take them with us like our living children. First we had our "Bentlee" tats done 5 years ago. Then we added Oliver and the 9 others. <br />
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I added onto my existing Bentlee tattoo with Oliver's name as well as 11 butterflies. Butterflies are the universal symbol for pregnancy loss so I have one for each child I have lost. <br />
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<span id="goog_286695110"></span><span id="goog_286695111"></span>Dan already had Bentlee's name on his lower arm and adding Oliver's to his limited real estate looking a bit wonky on its own, so he went for a full arm sleeve (lower arm for now). He has 11 baby feet (2 of them in color), a daddy lion, a mommy lion, and 4 cubs playing. (We have 4 living children.) This has helped us bond over the losses and celebrate the time we had with them and the life we created.<br />
<br />SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-23883603832111951362016-02-28T23:10:00.001-06:002017-06-21T13:12:19.409-05:00Losing Oliver: Part 3 - The In-Between {Scriptures for Miscarriage}<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> <span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><em><strong>“When
you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” –Isaiah 43:2</strong></em></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">These photos show me snuggling with Oliver and his bunny. Once home my boys were fascinated by Oliver's bunny and blanket & Bruce especially has been spending a lot of time hugging them. They know it is a stuffed animal and not actually a baby but seem to understand that it is special. Bruce says "oooh, so cute" before giving the bunny kisses.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Dear Friend who asked me how I am doing - I sincerely apologize for not having an answer. It's a question I do not know HOW to answer because I am entering the In-Between. I am okay or great or devastated depending on when you ask (as in it changes hour to hour). Dear Sweet Friend - THANK YOU for asking. It means the world to me, it really does. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Today is Dean's 7th Birthday. A very good day celebrating the source of so much joy! All 3 of my sons' birthdays are in February. Today I grieved from the knowledge that Oliver will never celebrate a birthday on earth as his brothers do. So even in the happiest of moments, sadness can creep in.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In an instant it hits - the in-between. The place where you are neither fully happy nor completely sad. It was a wonderful family weekend - I am reminded why I love being a mom so much. It is in this moment I realize the "honeymoon" is almost over. Kinda like the Sunday night blues (anyone know what I mean?). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I had this exceptionally long week preceeded by </span><a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-2-birth-story.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">a heartbreaking weekend</span></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">. One amazing thing to come out of losing Oliver is the outpouring of love and support from others. I've taken the week off from most of our appointments and obligations. Another thing that has been wonderful is having Dan home from work this week. Tomorrow Real Life begins. Routine. Okay, it's just a few therapy appointments and a Bible Study I love attending, but it involves an alarm clock and wearing a bra.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While I welcome the distraction and do NOT want to wallow in pain or live in </span><a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-dark-place-grief-loss.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Dark Place</span></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">, it IS difficult to end the "honeymoon." That first week after a loss people show so much love and support that the following weeks feel somewhat empty. Dan going back to work feels lonely. Going to appointments and acting like a normal person is an epic challenge. The whole world keeps moving while I still feel like my whole world has ended. (Not every second of every day - but parts of each day.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Not that I am not grateful for all I DO have - there are not words for how blessed I know I am. But there is a deep, lasting sorrow that remains far past the first 7 days after the loss. Oh, and then comes The Telling. For those people that do not already know I am no longer pregnant it will eventually come up. And The Telling is the biggest trigger of all - I either sound closed off (because I am trying to save the tears for a more appropriate time and setting) or I sob uncontrollably in a place I should not.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The kids are reacting appropriately (for the most part - mixing autism with feelings of grief and loss can be a challenge) and coping well. This is our new reality. We don't want it to be but it's important I help us all accept this truth. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It took almost 3 days for me to talk to God again after Oliver was born. Even then, it was only to tell Him I was struggling with prayer right now and needed <strong>Him to carry me</strong>. To draw me near and don't let go - because I wasn't capable of seeking after Him in these painful moments. As the In-Between approaches I realize I now need Him more than ever. The strength to push through in the coming weeks will come ONLY from God. Going to His word is what will sustain and comfort me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In church today I found myself unable to sing the worship songs. I was so angry with myself for feeling so angry with and abandoned by God. I think anger is the wrong word - but certainly a hurt. He's a big God, He can take it. He forgives me. He meets me right where I am at. I was reminded of this Psalm of David:</span><br />
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<em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?</span></strong></em></div>
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<em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">How long will you hide your face from me?</span></strong></em></div>
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<em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?</span></strong></em></div>
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<em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">... Look on me and answer Lord my God...</span></strong></em></div>
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<em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. </span></strong></em></div>
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<em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I will sing the Lord's praise, for He has been good to me."</span></strong></em></div>
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<strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">-Psalm 13:1-2a, 3a, 5-6 NIV</span></strong></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Even David, who also lost an infant son BTW, had times where he grieved so deeply he questioned God's presence in his life. But David still rejoiced in the Lord. I too will sing His praises - even in my darkest moments. </span><br />
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<em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">“I am worn out from my groaning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with
tears.</span></strong></em></div>
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<em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.</span></strong></em></div>
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<em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Away from me, all you who do evil, For the Lord has heard my weeping.<o:p></o:p></span></strong></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord
accepts my prayer.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></strong></em></div>
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<strong><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>-Psalm 6:6-9</span></span></strong></div>
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God accepts my prayers even when all I am capable of is prayers of weeping and sorrow. </span><br />
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";"><em><strong><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">"And this is the confidence we have toward
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "inherit" , "serif";"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">God hears my prayers!! He IS listening. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<strong><em><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are
crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18</span></em></strong></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><em><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind </span></em><i><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">and heart.</span></i><em><span style="font-family: "calibri" , "sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> And the peace I give is a gift the world
cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."</span></em> -John 14:27</span></div>
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<strong><em><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain
you.<o:p></o:p></span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have made you and I will carry you;<o:p></o:p></span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” – Isaiah 46:4<o:p></o:p></span></em></strong></div>
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<i><span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> "I call on the Lord in my
distress, and He answers me." -Psalm 120:1</span></span></i></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #333333; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;"><strong><em><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">"The Lord Himself will go before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged." - Dueteronomy 31:8</span></em></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><em>"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1</em></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">James says (1:2-4) <em>"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever
you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith
develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may mature
and be complete."</em></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">I may not ever know the Why behind Losing Oliver (even Job did not know the why behind his tremendous sufferings) but I strive to find the What. What does God have for me in this? What should I learn? Gain? Give? If nothing else, I do know that there will one day be enough healing to comfort others as I have been comforted.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><em><strong>"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes." -Romans 8:28</strong></em></span></div>
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<em><span style="color: black; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Compassion and God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ." - 2 Corinthians 1:3-5</span></em></div>
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SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-16358823181789783352016-02-25T21:50:00.001-06:002016-06-08T23:01:53.717-05:00Losing Oliver: Part 2 - Birth Story & Meeting My SonEvery birth story is beautiful. Oliver's story is precious to me. He has blessed me so much in his short life & I'll forever be grateful God has gifted me this treasure in heaven. <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/12/answered-prayers-road-so-far-my.html" target="_blank">His story - even from conception</a> - is so amazing & I grieve that it was so short.<br />
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I've been so sick I hadn't been taking many baby bump pictures so we snapped this last one in the hospital at 17 weeks 4 days (the day before he was actually born).</div>
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As much as I was in a hurry to meet my baby boy (as <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/my-pregnancy-journey-gender-reveal-16.html" target="_blank">my pregnancy had not been easy</a> & was wrought with <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/12/answered-prayers-road-so-far-my.html" target="_blank">anxiety</a>) I was NOT prepared to meet him so soon. We left the clinic Friday afternoon (where we found there was no longer a heartbeat) and were scheduled to return to the Mother Baby Center at the hospital at 6 that evening.</div>
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My mother & sister were waiting for us when we got there - they stayed the entire time, well past when Oliver was born. I can say that having them there, that support, was an extreme comfort to me. In fact, my support system in general right now is tremendous. My cup truly runneth over.</div>
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<strong>**Trigger Warning**</strong> </div>
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<strong>Before I share the beautiful (detail-filled) story of Baby Oliver's birth I want to warn you of the graphic nature of the content. I am including photos of his precious life at the end & if this is difficult for you to look at please be warned not to continue scrolling.</strong></div>
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Dan requested another ultrasound be performed before we went any further. I write this several days later and I think he STILL <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-1-denial.html" target="_blank">doesn't quite believe</a> Oliver is dead. Especially in those first moments though - absolute disbelief that God has us here again. We needed that additional confirmation that there was no cardiac activity before inducing.</div>
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The induction process involved a med called Citotec that is used to dilate the cervix. 4 doses of this were given (every 2 hours) as it took a bit of work for my body to get the message it was time to deliver. I was given Fentanyl (and, when that was ineffective, Morphine) but it still hurt. It's much the same as regular labor contractions except that they were induced & there is no happy ending to mask the pain.</div>
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Since there is very little pressure to push with a baby this small the nurse sat by my side waiting with me. In fact, all the nurses were amazing. They made all the difference for me - they grieved with me, cried with me, prayed with me, held my precious son and told me he was beautiful. They made it work that I stayed in the same delivery room all weekend (not needing to move to the recovery floor where other mothers held their living babies). They even sent me a card afterward - beautiful & heartfelt.</div>
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At 4:25 am on Saturday, February 20th, we welcomed Oliver Joseph Krube into this world. Nurse T caught the baby and held him there while we waited for the doctor to come in. She could not set him down as the cord was wrapped so tightly around his neck he was barely outside of my body. The doctor slowly unwrapped the umbilical cord from his neck - <strong>4 times it was wrapped around. </strong> </div>
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Oliver healthily danced and moved in my belly until he was entangled in the cord. The doctor called it a "fluke thing." It can happen to any person. It has no bearing on my future and no correlation to my past. Despite<a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-1-denial.html" target="_blank"> the hurtful things that have been said about me</a> entering pregnancy knowing it could end in loss, that is UNTRUE. Remember when the doctor said I had less than a 1% chance of loss?! This was simply the <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/08/my-pregnancy-journey-part-5-special.html" target="_blank">worst kind of luck</a>. It is not my fault. It could not have been predicted nor could it have been prevented. Despite finding out right away, he could not have been saved. This is devastating enough without accusations that this was my fault or that I knew this was a possibility. </div>
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Dan cut the cord as he has done for the 5 children before this and Oliver was handed to me to hold. I met my son and sat in awe of God's amazing work. His fingers and toes had these perfect little nails. There was this pristine little penis proudly on display, assuring us that the <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/my-pregnancy-journey-gender-reveal-16.html" target="_blank">ultrasound from 2 weeks ago</a> was accurate. He was absolute perfection.</div>
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In this moment I hurt like never before. The only pain that has ever rivaled this would be <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/07/i-still-miss-you.html" target="_blank">losing his sister Bentlee</a> over 5 years prior. I am now entering this with experience so there are some things I'm doing differently/better. I now know that the ONLY way past this grief is to go right THROUGH it. To feel all the feels. To allow the <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-dark-place-grief-loss.html" target="_blank">hurt and the waves of grief</a> and moments of anger. So in this moment I embraced the hurt and just sobbed.</div>
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I held my precious, perfect son and cried. I inhaled his baby smell, committing this moment to memory. I held his little hand. I pulled him close and told him how very deeply he is loved. My husband, mother, and sister all held me & took turns holding Oliver. </div>
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After a very short period of functioning off of sheer adrenaline the fatigue caught up with me. I had hardly slept since the panic set in Wednesday night & not at all through the laboring process. I was so full of drugs & my body was so worn I felt the crash coming. I begged the nurse to not take him away. I remember saying "I love him so much. I want to hold him still, I just can't function. I just need one hour. I'm not a bad mom. I want to be with him. I'll need him back. I just can't..."</div>
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I'm not sure I really slept but I do know almost an hour passed while I closed my eyes. Dan stood with Nurse T while they measured Olli (7 1/2 inches long), obtained footprints (thank you, Nurse T - I know this was a challenging task but oh so precious to me) and took photos. The white around the neck where the cord was wrapped was captured clearly in some pictures Dan took and it haunts me.</div>
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The next 5 hours were brutal. Dan, my mom, my sister, and I prayed that God would protect me from surgery and that the entire placenta would deliver intact very soon. <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/08/my-pregnancy-journey-part-5-special.html" target="_blank">I've had many surgeries</a> and each time I do not metabolize the anesthesia well. I am so drugged and tired that I have no control over my body's need to sleep. To crash for a day or two. In this scenario that meant I would NEVER EVER have time to hold my son. To kiss him and be with him for this small amount of time on earth. I let go of Bentlee so quickly after she was born and regret that I cannot hold her again until Heaven. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjomHdGu7VUXut_QFctfLRVxfA5-kraOf-6HAAvPGgC1DW2B6kx9FCDX4AEQf_omDpE-VzKWkfhKRLP8y4KYn6eujctI6Gpuokw0xjtuYyyc8OqsTcvv2zukb_NpiL-OMaMuq9HF4QSq7s/s1600/IMG_9528+-+Copy.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjomHdGu7VUXut_QFctfLRVxfA5-kraOf-6HAAvPGgC1DW2B6kx9FCDX4AEQf_omDpE-VzKWkfhKRLP8y4KYn6eujctI6Gpuokw0xjtuYyyc8OqsTcvv2zukb_NpiL-OMaMuq9HF4QSq7s/s320/IMG_9528+-+Copy.JPG" width="320" /></a>I lost 2 liters of blood (the nurses kept track) and the clots were so large we actually thought the prayer was answered and the placenta delivered whole (just a huge clot). My blood pressure, which was flirting with the higher end of the spectrum during pregnancy, had now crashed low. I was so lightheaded the poor nurse had to have another nurse grab a wheelchair to help me move from the bathroom to the bedroom.</div>
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During this process of waiting for the placenta to deliver we did all we could to encourage it along. It was hard to put pressure on the uterus because it was still so small and low. I had several additional doses of citotec suppositories and IM Pitocin shots. We left the scissors clamped to the cord hanging out of my body during this whole process. It was uncomfortable & somewhat humiliating. The doctor used a long rod tool to try to latch the cord and pull out the placenta but the cord wasn't strong enough yet.</div>
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I remember being SO upset when my food order arrived at the room (I hadn't eaten in so long and was so very much looking forward to that tray of hospital food) and the doctor told me I could not eat because I was going to be headed in for surgery. Insert angry emoticon here. It seems so silly now how big it was to me at the time.</div>
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In that moment I'm not sure I was angry at God per se, but certainly questioning. "Lord, I not only came to you every single day asking for protection over this precious life inside me - which is now gone - but I pleaded with you NOT to need surgery. Lord, you had the power to stop all this and yet here I am, experiencing it all." </div>
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I know better. Of course. But I feel like it's important to admit that in a grief this substantial we DO have questions for God and we CAN come to Him. While I may not ever have an answer why God allowed my son to die & why the delivery had to be so brutal, I CAN trust that He will use ALL things for our good and His glory in the end. That He will carry me.</div>
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In an instant it was decided I must be rushed into surgery to perform a procedure similar to a D&C (remove the retained placenta and scrape out the uterus - same concept). My existing IV was bad and a new one was needed. One gal from the IV team was using an ultrasound machine to find a better vein. Another nurse was stabbing me with lidocaine and digging for a vein in the other arm. The anesthesiologist grew impatient and put an IV in my hand. Nurses on either side of me were giving me shots (there was Methergyn or something like that for the bleeding, Pitocin, and morphine). The whole thing was surreal - and a blur. There were so many staff surrounding me I felt like a celebrity with paparazzi all around.</div>
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So here's the great news: I did not go under general anesthesia! It had been well over 24 hours since my last shot of blood thinner and they were able to use a spinal. I was numb from the waist down for the procedure - and drugged with relaxant - but I was awake. See, God was there with me.</div>
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I was wheeled into PACU - the post op recovery room. This tiny little room with 3 curtained sections. The woman next to me had her baby. She said "Look at these little fingers! It's a baby!" Then her living child cried. So I did too. I tried to hide under my blanket so as not to steal her joy but my sweet nurse saw and rushed to my side. She called for help wheeling me immediately back to my delivery room, where my husband & baby were waiting for me. She probably broke the rules for me but was only concerned with what was most comforting to me. Seriously, nurses are amazing.</div>
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That surgery & the blood loss and clotting history required me to be monitored for 24 hours. I was just gifted with an entire day with my son. Those "complications" enabled me to hold Oliver until Sunday. For another day sleep alluded me but I didn't notice much. I was too busy soaking in every precious moment with my son. </div>
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For a long while it was just Dan and me. This man is my rock. I can't even find the words to describe how much I love him. Every part of me is better because of him & because he is in my life. Holding my dead child while Dan held me is another one of the many moments that make up our beautiful life together. We sat in awe, "We made this. Look who we've created." (With God's help of course.)</div>
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I am exceptionally grateful for the support I have had in this whirlwind weekend. My mom, dad, baby brother, little sister, and dear friend all came to the hospital at various points. To keep me company, to weep with me, to hold me and to hold Baby Oliver, to entertain me, and just to be sure I knew I am loved. My friend dropped everything to care for the kids all weekend and my aunt rushed over Friday to sleep over while we were in the hospital for a couple days. Cards and calls have poured in. I even received flowers. I love flowers. I came home to big hugs from my 4 kids. I am very, very blessed.</div>
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Sunday in the late morning we said a final goodbye to Oliver Joseph Krube. Nurse J gave me this little stuffed bunny that I spent the night cuddling. I wrapped it up in a blanket with Oliver and clung tight. That tangible, take-home memorial is priceless. Although I left Oliver behind (the funeral home would get him on Monday), I did take his bunny, his blanket and his memory with me. </div>
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<em>"I grieve for all the tomorrows that will never be. I grieve because God now holds you instead of me." - sayinggoodbye.org</em> </div>
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Soaking up my very last moments with Oliver.</div>
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SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-24939005004041772532016-02-19T15:33:00.000-06:002016-06-08T23:02:22.929-05:00Losing Oliver: Part 1 (Denial)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I don't want to go through this again. It can't be real. It just can't. Numb. I'm numb. I keep telling Dan this isn't real, I am dreaming. This is me asleep and any minute I will wake up and this won't be real anymore. Seriously, I can't go to the hospital - to the birth center - to deliver a dead baby. Again.<br />
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While all the women around me are having the happiest day of their lives I am having the worst. Again. I'd ask "Why?" but no answer would satisfy me. I'm so broken. I don't know how to live through this. I don't want to.<br />
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Yesterday was wrought with anxiety and fear. I am 17 & a half weeks - this is the point of pregnancy I lost Bentlee and had to deliver her. It is also almost the due date of the baby I lost this summer. My paranoid meter was off the charts. It has been for a week.<br />
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On Wednesday I went in to the clinic for my 17p injection. The baby was kicking all day and I felt so confident that I didn't even ask them to do heart tones "as long as I'm in." (I was not scheduled for more than the shot). That evening my home doppler found Baby Oliver's heartbeat in a matter of seconds. My daily dose of relief.<br />
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Thursday (yesterday) I was fearful - not prompted by anything in particular, just an overwhelming, all consuming feeling of panic. I had to stop and pray a hundred times just to make it through the next moment. I had to pray myself back to sleep repeatedly last night. I used my home fetal doppler with no luck. I normally find the heartbeat in less than a minute and I tried 5 times throughout the course of the day for 5-10 minutes at a time.<br />
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Granted these are not always reliable and I do have an anterior placenta and a tilted uterus and baby can be moving. But still. Last night I was certain I felt Oliver kicking and moving and found enough peace (and exhaustion) to drift off to sleep.<br />
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This morning the fear was still weighing on me heavily. When Dan and I headed into the clinic to get checked out I FULLY expected to be told I was paranoid. That would be the BEST answer ever. I mean, there is no spotting or other signs to be fearful. Nothing of concern. So when we looked at Oliver and determined he had no heartbeat I did not believe them. I asked them to check - several more times. I even prayed he would come BACK to life then repeated the ultrasound a half hour later.<br />
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Dead. My baby is dead. He fought so hard to be here - I mean<a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/12/answered-prayers-road-so-far-my.html" target="_blank"> remember my story of how he was concieved in spite of ovulating from the side with no fallopian tube</a>??!! Right after a long drawn out miscarriage this summer. I took progesterone supplements and went to a zillion blood draws and ultrasounds. I have had shots of blood thinner in the abdomen DAILY as well as weekly injections to prevent preterm labor. Hyperemesis is a cruel bitch - I lost weight, needed to be on IV fluids multiple times, and threw up many times a day (sometimes several dozen times). Even at 17 weeks I am still very nauseus.<br />
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I'm already having some contractions and cramping pain but with my blood clotting disorder (and childcare needs at home) it is best to induce rather than wait for labor to do the job. This is what I did with Bentlee as well. Tonight, in just a couple hours, I will be induced at the Mother Baby Center in Minneapolis. I missed delivering Bruce here by 2 days (he was born just prior to it opening). I was excited to have Oliver here BUT when he was full term. Not today.<br />
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How can Oliver be gone?! It just doesn't make sense? What does God have for me in this? Why would I need to experience this heartbreak again?! What have I done? What am I supposed to learn or gain?<br />
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Even still, I am praying for peace. The supernatural kind that can only come from God. That I would feel His prescence and He would comfort Dan & me & the kids. It's not today that's the hardest. Sadly, having been through this before, I know it will get so much worse before it gets better. Today I meet my son and hold him in my arms. But after that? Empty arms. Made to ache more by every reminder of what could have been. With triggers around every corner.<br />
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No, it will get worse. So painful. So lonely. So much hurt. How does one possibly do this - AGAIN?! I know the Lord will be near me and give me strength but it still hurts so much. I call bull. I mean - why again? Why Lord?<br />
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This is not meant to inspire others or be a platform to spew out a bunch of Christainese about the purpose in it, etc. Nope, this is just me working through heartbreak. Being real and open and honest and in the moment. <br />
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Here's the post on <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-2-birth-story.html" target="_blank">Oliver's birth story</a> and <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/losing-oliver-part-3-in-between.html" target="_blank">HERE is the afterward</a>.<br />
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Today Brucie is calling this balloon his "baby" and putting it safely in the infant car seat I just purchased. What would have been so precious yesterday has become so painful today.</div>
SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-75183619713027189462016-02-09T21:03:00.001-06:002016-06-08T23:03:29.524-05:00My Pregnancy Journey: Gender Reveal & 16 Week Update<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Thumb sucker<br />
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Pregnancy, for me, physically, is miserable. I'm in so much pain and am so sick that it can be all-consuming. It's discouraging to still not feel well - especially with newer ailments that increase as I get further along (like the back/pelvic pain). That's why days like today are so encouraging - they remind me WHY I love being pregnant (or at least why pregnancy is WORTH it). <br />
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My due date from the baby we lost this summer is coming up soon - as well as this being close to the point I was in the 2nd trimester that I lost Bentlee. God has been so good to comfort me and provide this supernatural peace to help me move past the anxiety and fears of loss. It can still be difficult to picture the "end result" - today made it REAL.<br />
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I went in for a 16 week ultrasound that is needed prior to starting my 17P injections (these are shots of a progesterone taken weeks 16-36 to prevent preterm labor that I have taken in prior pregnancies). Baby was dancing and moving on screen so much it took awhile to get all the proper measurements!! I can FEEL the movement now and that is so reassuring and brings so much joy. The growth is spot on.<br />
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I have felt certain - CERTAIN - from the start this baby is a girl. I have many reasons for it and rarely have a guess as to the gender but this time I did. I'm feeling a bit guilty admiting this but I WANT a boy more. Like a lot. I can't explain why. So when the ultrasound tech got some great shots of Baby showing off his man parts I cried. Boom.<br />
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I feel it's important to point out, for those unfamiliar with ultrasound photos, that the REALLY big nub is his LEG. Before you congratulate Dan. Lol</div>
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It's a BOY! A Boy! A Boy! I don't know why I'm so thrilled but my heart is FULL. My cup runneth over. Know who else cried when they found out the gender? Dean. He attended the appointment with us and wanted a little sister sooo bad. Taylor too. But me? Swooning.<br />
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For the first time this pregnancy my blood pressure was normal! I passed my first diabetes screen and all the rest of my and Baby's tests have come back normal. I'm all set for weekly visits, injections, and bi-weekly ultrasounds. I continue to covet your prayers in this process and am so grateful with where God has brought us so far.<br />
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Meet Oliver Joseph Krube, due July 25, 2016</div>
<br />SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-48314558331893864812015-12-21T23:29:00.002-06:002016-06-08T23:04:08.517-05:00Answered Prayers & The Road So Far: My Pregnancy Journey<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am in constant awe of how God answers prayers in a <b>specific way</b>. Last night, prior to today's doctor appointment, my prayer was for CLEAR, absolute, and ACCURATE information. Yes, Lord, I desire for my child to be alive - to have them safe in my arms this summer. But trusting in Him means trusting that He is with me even in the bad.<br />
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This <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-dark-place-grief-loss.html" target="_blank">summer when we lost the baby</a> it was weeks wrought with "maybes." Maybe my dates were wrong. Maybe the growth will be better next week. Maybe we will find the heartbeat in a few days. Maybe the heart just started beating and the rate will improve. Maybe it will be okay, the heartbeat will increase, and the baby will live. Maybe the bleeding is normal. <br />
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So my prayer was that whatever is the status of this pregnancy, that it is made clear at my doctor visit. I don't want a maybe. The past couple ultrasounds have shown a heartbeat BUT the very low end of normal. The growth is a tad behind (although that has been true of every pregnancy). So the outcome of this pregnancy is still very much up in the air.<br />
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My regular OB sent me to the perinatal clinic for high risk patients. Often they consult - determine a plan for pregnancy - and send you back to the OB. Last time they kept me on as their own patient for the duration of the pregnancy. This place is critical to the health and safety of baby & me. Imagine my disappointment today when I find that I'm scheduled only for a consult and not for an ultrasound.<br />
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My nurse remembered me from last time AND recognized me from the Fraser waiting room!! I do so love those type of connections. As we discussed the plan for the pregnancy - including starting on blood thinner injections daily - I asked if we can be sure this is viable before going further. She tries to do an abdominal bedside ultrasound. This will not measure growth or even bpm - just verify the flickering heartbeat is there. We find the baby but NO heartbeat.<br />
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She calls an ultrasound tech in and again, <b>no heartbeat!! </b>And I can't help but panic - and wonder "why aren't things more CLEAR?!" They make room for us in the schedule to do a TV ultrasound in a room with the good equipment and a tech. While I wait, pantless, feet in stirrups, for 20 minutes for the tech to come in, fear consumes me. Would this really happen again?! I NEVER felt like something was wrong (I had the physical feelings of anxiety and fear but not the motherly instincts like a sense of impending doom). Would I EVER trust my instincts again? Christmas will be ruined?!<br />
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There are more thoughts - a lot can come up in 20 minutes of anxiously waiting. Again, I prayed - for clarity. When the tech came in she said she'd have the doctor come in and discuss results with me afterward - which is what they say when the news is bad and they don't want to give it to you (or aren't supposed to). <br />
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Then - a heartbeat. A strong one (170-180 each time measured)! The baby (it's totally a girl, BTW) measured between 8 weeks 5 days and 9 wks (I'm 9w0days today). The ultrasound tech was really happy and telling me how great all this is. This. My first moment of actual relief in over 5 really long weeks. This. My CLEAR answer - with NO maybes. I got my ultrasound after all. God is so specific in answering this prayer.<br />
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Later I speak with the doctor - one who I saw frequently during my pregnancy with Bruce (the perinatal clinic has a team of doctors that work together - you do not see just "one."). He comes in smiling and compares the ultrasound machines to a Bentley vs a Honda. He then assures me that at this point, even with my history and current complications, my risk of miscarriage is <b>LESS THAN 1%!</b> ANOTHER answered prayer!<br />
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Thanks to repeated high blood pressure (this pregnancy as well as the one in the summer - and my mother had preeclampsia multiple times but I didn't mention that), a blood clotting disorder requiring daily shots of thinners, a history of multiple losses (including 2nd trimester, a twin & an ectopic), multiple preterm deliveries (I will be taking 17P injections for this weekly, as I have many times before), previously having gestational diabetes (and I weigh more with each pregnancy), history of subchorionic hemorrhage (hole in the placenta), and special needs children - including Dean's genetic heart defect, I will remain a patient of the high risk clinic. Since they spit everyone back to their original OB I was... not surprised but bummed I'm "bad enough" to qualify.<br />
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They take great care of me there - we made it through a lot to bring him <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-was-watching-brucie-try-to-crawl-today.html" target="_blank">safely into this world</a>. They will even have a pediatric cardiologist from Children's Hospital come over to look at baby's heart. Today, I have hope. I have joy. I even have baby names picked out.<br />
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This pregnancy is different. No sense of impending doom or ominous feelings. I don't feel the need to "apologize for being pregnant - again" or to defend our choices. I still do NOT enjoy the nausea and vomiting (hyperemesis), but I do feel a bit better after a trip to the ER last week for IV fluids. Time is passing slowly, I'm sick, and there is always a fear - in my dreams I have flashbacks of bad moments in my previous pregnancies. <br />
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The moment the doctor told me Bentlee had died, her scull caved in from a hemorrhage, the day I went to the emergency room in indescribable pain and woke up without a baby or a tube, surviving weeks of vomiting only to find myself bleeding like crazy. I know these painful memories do not have to haunt me - it does require me to pray daily - even hourly - for God to give me supernatural peace.<br />
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Now, for the most amazing part:<br />
After Bruce was born the doctor refused to do a tubal surgery on me ("tie my tubes"), stating that it would not fully prevent pregnancy. I lost my right fallopian tube as a result of an ectopic pregnancy so there is not a tube to "close." "A very ambitious swimmer could make it's way up there without the tube," Doctor says. Not probable, but possible. It would not be safe to get pregnant after a tubal.<br />
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Fast forward to an ultrasound at 5 weeks along with this pregnancy. The tech showed me on the screen how she knows for certain I ovulated on the RIGHT side. Only the right. As in the side WITHOUT A TUBE. That technician has never seen that happen & couldn't believe it was even doable. My doctor said she knew it was possible but so rare she personally had not experienced it in her career. I verified this with my regular u/s tech in the clinic a few days later. She says "I love when that happens<i> - <b>this baby really wanted to be here!" </b></i>SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-55722076867972104922015-11-29T13:36:00.001-06:002016-06-08T23:04:41.408-05:00Ways We Celebrated Christmas<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<i>{This post is full of stuff from LAST Christmas, but as time goes on this holiday season I will be adding as I go. Hope some of these are fun, new ideas for you to try with YOUR family!}</i></div>
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We love Christmas around here. I'm that annoying crazy lady that starts listening to carols and watching Christmas movies before Thanksgiving. I was proud of myself for holding off till after Halloween to start watching Holiday movies actually!<br />
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Here are my words of advice - do what makes YOU the best mom you can be. As in if cooking or crafting aren't your thing and don't make you happy, don't do it. If you just aren't feeling it this year, that's okay. Give yourself permission to know your limits and reduce your vulnerability by staying within them. When making 800 kinds of Christmas cookies when I'm fried will cause me to yell at the kids and cry about all the dishes then I DON'T make them! I curl up on the couch and read a book to the kids instead. They won't remember "we didn't bake cookies" or "we never went sledding" as much as they may remember "Mom was always yelling." This may not be a concern for you but the concept still stands.<br />
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I often tend to feel a bit overwhelmed by all there is "to do." As if I MUST do all things or Christmas will cease to exist. Which is more than just "silly," it's... Obsessive. Crazy. And totally missing the point.<br />
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I wasn't thinking "all or nothing" so much as a bit more low-key. I sat with the kids and we brainstormed some of our favorite holiday activities (some are traditions, some are new ideas to try) and typed them up. I determined what we realistically could do this year and assigned them to days of the month that we would actually have time for that task. Some days were far too busy/full of appointments to do a time-consuming task, such as baking cookies.<br />
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I scored this wooden Advent Calendar tree with a half-off coupon at Michael's for $5. We painted it since it was naked wood and boring looking. I cut up the activities paper and put those slips of paper into each drawer on the tree calendar. Some days had more than one activity.<br />
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We also had a scripture passage for each day to read about Jesus' birth. I cater this to the younger children in the home - so only a few verses a day.<br />
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<b>Here's some of the ways we celebrated Christmas this year</b> (a list of the Advent calendar activities first and then more detailed explanations and photos to follow):<br />
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<li>Operation Christmas Child shoebox stuffing</li>
<li>Decorate the front door like a snowman</li>
<li>Make paper snowflakes & a giant paper chain to hang from the living room ceiling</li>
<li>Watch Christmas movies (this is actually done as much as possible in November & December as this is truly one of my most favorite things ever - but there are a few classics that go on the MUST list. "Holiday Inn," "It's a Wonderful Life," all 3 "Santa Claus" movies, the first 2 "Die Hard" films, and "Jingle All the Way" (filmed in Minnesota). </li>
<li>Go sledding</li>
<li>Dance around to Christmas tunes</li>
<li>Build a snowman (outdoors as well as inside with construction paper & art supplies)</li>
<li>Decorate the house, including picking out a tree, putting up lights & wreathes & stockings</li>
<li>Add buildings & other items to our foam village. </li>
<li>Visit Macy's 8th Floor Show downtown Minneapolis, get a giant, fancy, yummy cookie from their bakery, walk down Nicollet enjoying the lights, and right the light rail train there and back</li>
<li>Photos with Santa - we are lucky enough that the ECFE preschool hosts a few hours with Santa. You get 7 minutes with the big guy, his wife if you like, a photo backdrop, and a mini photo session. I helped with this event for years before we moved but I'm still going this year! </li>
<li>See The Holiday Train & watch their concert & light show (braving the cold is worth it on this one)</li>
<li>Make a PortableNorthPole.com video from Santa - personalized for each child</li>
<li>Secret Santa with our roommate & PCAs & small group close friends. This involves the shopping & wrapping & gift exchange. We also make gifts for teachers, Bible Study & Sunday school leaders, & various therapists (OT, speech, etc). We actually allowed 2 days for this on our Advent Calendar because it is such a huge project.</li>
<li>Decorate our front window with construction paper cutouts - a tree, snowman, snowflakes, bells, angels, etc.</li>
<li>Bake Christmas cookies, treats, snacks like Chex Mix & Puppy Chow & frost cookies</li>
<li>Grow Candy Canes</li>
<li>Make ornaments</li>
<li>Unwrap a book a day in December and read together</li>
<li>Make gingerbread, cookie-scented, and candy cane play dough</li>
<li>December sensory bins - like painting snow from outside!</li>
<li>Visit the malls to enjoy the decorations</li>
<li>Drive around to look at lights</li>
<li>Make gingerbread houses (and trains and trees, etc)</li>
<li>Have a fancy hot cocoa bar</li>
<li>Make cards for soldiers</li>
<li>Buy a personalized ornament with the year and our family member's names</li>
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<b>Decorate the house and tree!</b> The garland looked festive on the banister and our h<a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/11/toilet-paper-roll-christmas-carolers.html" target="_blank">omemade carolers</a> were adorable in the entryway arch shelf. Oh, and you can see a couple parts to our foam village on the mantle above the stockings. That's a cool tradition that we add to each year.</div>
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<b>Add to our foam village decorations</b></div>
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This is a collection of those foam craft kits they sell at Michael's & other places. The kids can actually help with these, there is a huge variety, they are not heavy to store (but a bit bulky) and it's no biggie if they break. I've been burnt by my hot glue gun a few dozen times but it was worth it. </div>
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I buy them on clearance for the following year and store with the Christmas decorations. We have a nativity scene, polar bears on a skating rink, Santa's Candy Shop, etc. It all started with one foam train craft 9 years ago and now we have 62 pieces! </div>
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<b>Go to a Community Event</b> - like a tree lighting or the Holiday Train like we did!</div>
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This was the first year the Canadian-Pacific Holiday Train came to the Twin Cities. We braved the crowds and cold to see this decked-out train and concert!</div>
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I didn't get a great picture of the concert car - but very cool. Door to traincar opened, lights, smoke, and music! Home Free performed a bunch of Christmas songs.</div>
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<b>Secret Santa!! </b></div>
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We have the perfect size group for a Secret Santa exchange. Getting gifts for everyone can get to be a bit much. This 2015 year we drew names - my family of 6, my roommate/PCA and our good friend Katie visits us from Canada (she's our roommate's girlfriend) my other PCA/good friend and her hubby and kids are all in the mix. My daughters love that they are old enough to shop on their own now and keep their selections a secret!<br />
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<b>Christmas Baking:</b> Yeah, I know, my kitchen threw up Christmas. And cookies. And sugar. But we love it. <br />
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We traditionally make gingerbread men & sugar cookies for The Littles to frost, candy-coated Oreo's w/ sprinkles, <a href="http://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/chocolate-mint-thumbprints/84c09832-5f0e-4590-8416-83aea0e4e972" target="_blank">Ande's Mint cookies</a>, <a href="http://www.bhg.com/recipe/cookies/white-chocolate-cherry-shortbread/" target="_blank">cherry shortbread cookies</a>, several batches of Chex Mix, pretzel rods dipped in melted almond bark and rolled in sprinkles, and coconut macaroons. A few others if I'm feeling ambitious.<br />
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<b>Grow a candy cane!</b><br />
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I made a "special winter wonderland soil" to plant our peppermints in. Stir together:</div>
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<ul>
<li style="text-align: left;">crushed Oreos</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">powdered sugar</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">crushed candycanes</li>
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"Plant" an unwrapped peppermint candy - those small circle ones. In the morning a full size candy cane will have grown in its place! (Remember to remove the peppermint candy when you are placing the candy cane in the cup overnight - a la Tooth Fairy.)</div>
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<b>25 Books of Christmas</b></div>
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<img height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9tRITfVnWH_L24uqzSUO_7pLSOubFIp23FwpeOQ4XNm_pYQMlo8zXPGxW5hEJa3lnhrEWExplZYMt9bKmrLLmGpzm1FCL2iJ8oyxGw1lmFODDKDFCkl7qJ6vPCSrv2dcx9yy5AbjhoHU/s400/IMG_0356.JPG" width="300" /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5pT_M9I8OlvJx_sXHXOZ-KBzdgdq0mIE9HoM8ahOPuRyypXbz-EC66-uFiBQQYkI4E2j8fJJcWg6EfYT0ydOSLBRygDMFrW5y8vJiR8xJi2-PS-Wa2SdrxQMNY_hyCTR963yt5OTlZ88/s1600/IMG_0662.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5pT_M9I8OlvJx_sXHXOZ-KBzdgdq0mIE9HoM8ahOPuRyypXbz-EC66-uFiBQQYkI4E2j8fJJcWg6EfYT0ydOSLBRygDMFrW5y8vJiR8xJi2-PS-Wa2SdrxQMNY_hyCTR963yt5OTlZ88/s1600/IMG_0662.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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The books in the green basket are from last year. This year I'm doing The 12 Days of Christmas instead - and the boys are sharing! My bookshelves are always overflowing anyway. </div>
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I digress. I love to encourage reading (though I set a terrible example, lol). Dean especially is at the age where he is learning to read. My local thrift store has books buy 4 and get the 5th free. Plus they are super cheap to begin with. For Dean I selected 24 early readers but since Bruce is a toddler I gave him aset of ABC board books. Yes, there are 26 letters and a couple days had to include 2 books. <br />
I wrapped each book individually and the boys opened one each day leading up to Christmas. It was a fun way to get them excited about the book we'd read each day.<br />
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<span style="text-align: center;"><b>Visiting the mall at Christmastime</b> is one of my fondest childhood memories. </span><br />
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<span style="text-align: center;">Mall of America opened when I was like 10, I think, but any mall will do. I also REALLY love Nicollet Mall in downtown Minneapolis - we did this as a kid each year after visiting the Macy's 8th Floor Show (back when it was Dayton's and the display changed each year). </span><br />
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Oh, the lights and decorations everywhere - hanging from the ceiling even! Department stores have lights and ribbons and trees and stockings. Santa. Oh, the mall. </div>
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<b>Gingerbread Houses</b></div>
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The ones in these photos are from Ikea with candy purchased separately (& leftover Halloween candy). We've done graham crackers on a tissue box (obviously not to eat) and ready made kits but the concept is all the same. I got some cute little gingerbread cookies and they were perfect for adding people to our houses.<br />
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This year I bought kits for each kit and Bruce chose the train - it turned out really cute but then they ate it all (candy & cookie alike) over the next few days. Oh - well. They had fun.<br />
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<b>Homemade Ornaments</b></div>
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We've done everything over the years - kits from Oriental Trading or Michael's Craft Store, ideas found on Pinterest, filling clear glass bulbs and painting them, coming up with new creations using whatever is in our art supplies stash. We generally put a couple on our own tree and gift the rest to relatives (tape them on by the bow and gift tag for added flair).<br />
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Even Baby Bruce got in on the action on ornament making day!</div>
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<b>Making Perler Bead Ornaments</b> - including a Nativity Scene</div>
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We didn't have a pattern for any of these but my daughters are really creative. They are very into My Little Pony at the moment and created a bunch of the characters.</div>
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<b>A Hot Cocoa Bar</b></div>
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Hot Chocolate (we used packets), Redi Whip, candy canes, and different sizes and flavors of marshmallows. We added sugar cookies and some Christmas movies for good measure.<br />
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<b>Make Cards for Soldiers</b></div>
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These had to be done right away in December to be mailed in and shipped off on time. Check online to see what works for you best locally. Some Red Cross chapters accept cards.<br />
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<b>Buy a personalized ornament</b></div>
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Each year we get one of these ornaments with the year and little people or animals on it and have it personalized with our family members names. Even if our family size doesn't change our personalities do, which is reflected in the ornament we all agree on. We love this!</div>
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<b>Visit a Christmas-decked-out Landmark.</b></div>
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We went to the Alexander Ramsey House Victorian Christmas for a school field trip. It was NOT worth the expense since we are on a tight budget, but hey, at least we can say we've been!<br />
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<b>Sensory Play --</b></div>
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Homemade Gingerbread, Christmas Cookie, & Candy Cane Play Doughs<br />
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Start with a basic homemade dough recipe -- I've got another blog post on this - and add in a little extra flair. <br />
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Gingerbread dough smells AMAZING, is made with NO food color or dyes, and is so much easier for little kids to manage than real cookie dough. I found <a href="http://www.housingaforest.com/homemade-gingerbread-play-dough-recipe/" target="_blank">the recipe and idea here.</a><br />
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Candy Cane dough involves peppermint essential oil (or peppermint extract works fine) and red food coloring. Wilton cake frosting gel coloring is even better - more vibrant. I did try last year to make a red & white swirl version but as you can see from the photo is just turned pink after being played with.<br />
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Christmas Cookie scented - I colored green, added spices (cinnamon and nutmeg), and Frankincense essential oil. I heard that particular oil is a calming one & good for Autism (I'm not a huge EO person but I happened to have this on hand). I'm not a fan of the smell of the oil though so I added the spices for a lovely cookie smell. If I had anything pine tree scented I'd have done that!<br />
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<b>Snow Painting/Play -</b></div>
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Bring the outdoors in! We filled our sensory tubs with snow from the yard (clean snow, people, clean) and the boys used scoops, pails, molds, and food-colored-water & droppers. I also give them a small bowl of epsom salts to melt the snow with because they think it's pretty cool.<br />
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The kiddos have a lot of sensory issues when it comes to scarves & mittens and getting any clothing even minutely wet so this works WAY better for snow play. We also fill spray bottles & squirt bottles with colored warm water and the kids spray it in the snow outside (for as long as they will last in the cold). <br />
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<b>Wrap Gifts</b></div>
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My kids LOVE wrapping gifts for whatever reason. Plus it's good motor skills practice. 3 of my children have Autism and their cutting skills need A LOT of work - so this is good experience. I buy wrapping paper on clearance; the pattern is far less important than the price because it can always be turned to the white side and colored on. We even wrap up random household toys when The Littles want more to wrap and are impatient in waiting to open. <br />
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I guess this pile of gifts looks kinda ridiculous in a photo, but there are 6 of us and a lot of things are sweet homemade items and most of it is from the thrift store. And for all the other people we get gifts for - the girls just wanted a photo of all that they had wrapped!<br />
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I found this Duplo train and Mega Blocks carnival set at the thrift store (most of the set, the boys never noticed that some was missing) and set it up for the boys to find in the morning!! It was so worth their reaction!<br />
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<b>Open Stockings</b></div>
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I have this thing with stockings. Growing up we did all our gifts on Christmas Eve because we had to travel to family events on Christmas day. Now, as a parent, we have the same issue. To allot time for the events of the busy day we do our family gift opening on Christmas Eve. I love to take time for each kid to open - taking turns, one at a time. Some of the magic, however, is lost when everything is done prior to Christmas.<br />
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No, Christmas is not all about gifts - we have had years with none. But there is something so special about waking up to a stocking full of goodies - and getting to eat all that candy!<br />
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<b>See the lights</b></div>
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No place special, we just love to check out neighborhoods around us and blast Christmas music on the radio. The house below in the photo won a city contest and was set to music; a sign in the yard told you what station to tune in to. Pretty cool.<br />
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<br />SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-48344417839666932592015-08-15T01:21:00.000-05:002016-06-08T23:09:59.334-05:00My Pregnancy Journey: Part 5 - A Special Kind of Luck<br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind <strong>and heart.</strong> And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid."</em> -John 14:27</span><br />
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<a href="http://theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Photo Credit CarlyMarie Photography</a></div>
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Here's what's on my heart tonight:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's been a rough month. (And not just this whole pregnancy thing - there are other factors that have made this a difficult summer.) I can't seem to go about things the "easy" way. <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-1-8-weeks.html" target="_blank">The hyperemesis (morning sickness) was brutal</a>. It was devastating, to say the least, that the baby had a slow heartbeat and we had to just sit and <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-2-waiting-game.html" target="_blank">wait for the baby to die</a>, which took another week. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">After the baby <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-3-goodbye.html" target="_blank">no longer had a heartbeat</a> 3 1/2 weeks ago, I took meds to induce the miscarriage to speed things along. 2 weeks later there were some complications (think: gross woman stuff), I was still so nauseous, and the pain was brutal. To spare you further details, I'll just say I ended up at my OB's office 10 days after the start of the miscarriage process.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">An ultrasound revealed I had tissue remaining - actually adhered to the top of the uterus. It's not uncommon to need a D&C (dilation and curettage) to completely empty the body of pregnancy tissue. I do love my doctor and so appreciate her frankness - she said I "have a special kind of luck. Go buy a lottery ticket." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I managed to sneak in a pre-op physical with my Family Doc on that Friday and went in for surgery on Monday. My biggest fear was the aftereffects of anesthesia. In the past I have not reacted well to it - the medicine takes a long time to leave my system. I can't hardly open my eyes for days. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">This time around the procedure was so quick and the anesthesia so short-acting that I had no problem waking up! Things went really well and I felt great! I was uncomfortable for a day or two but not really in much pain. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">9 days after the D&C I began having some complications again (all that same gross post-pregnancy stuff - and a lot of painful cramping). I went in yesterday - 11 days after the surgery and over THREE weeks since the baby had passed away. My hcg hormone levels were far too high for this stage of the game.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">After my ultrasound I was in with my doctor and there is was again, that "special kind of luck" comment. "Medical Anomaly" was also used. Hey, we all gotta have our "thing" that makes us special, right? She tells me that I have a very unique sort of luck - "buy a lottery ticket." she says again. So I did. If I win I will probably be the first person to say "My Gynecologist told me to."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Basically, there is STILL dead pregnancy tissue retained and <strong>ANOTHER</strong> D&C is needed. It's only 2 cm worth of tissue and it should have dislodged naturally if missed by the surgery.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Last time she did not use a scope - she stated this has happened only 3 times in her entire career that tissue is left behind after the surgery. A camera is typically not needed. Then she said "but you're never typical - I really should have known. I'm not surprised - I mean, it's YOU." I kept trying to apologize but she would only apologize back and say it was her fault. I feel it's my fault simply for existing. How am I so medically complicated??!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">We will repeat the surgery next week, this time WITH a camera AND a post-op 3D ultrasound. I'm way less intimidated by it since I am no longer so scared of the anesthesia meds. Like nervous a little, but can't explain exactly why. I am feeling very inconvenienced by the whole thing. I REALLY do NOT have time for this. The calendar is so full! Sadly, this isn't even my worst pregnancy!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I don't mean to seem distant or uncaring - I DO care. I am sad that I'm in my second trimester and have all the pregnancy hormones (they are milder now than before, but still...) but NOT have a baby anymore. I'm frustrated I can't move on and that this whole process is taking so long. It makes the <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-dark-place-grief-loss.html" target="_blank">grief more intense</a> and very present and real.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The crazy thing is how this is all still so worth it for us. The risk (and pain) is worth the reward. I'm not always certain what God has for us in this - but I know for certain He is IN this WITH us. <br /><br /><em><b>"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4</b></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">If a miscarriage is not something you have personally experienced, I hope the following words provide some insight into how parents can become so invested in a child that only existed a short time on Earth. This is our child forever - <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-3-goodbye.html" target="_blank">even if we never met them.</a> There is a very real and valid loss, a deep grief, anger, frustration, even relief the whole process is over (like the miscarrying part or the morning sickness stage). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times";">Every emotion is acceptable. Here's how you can support them: Grieve with them. Say "I'm sorry for your loss." Please refrain from telling us the baby is in a better place or is now an angel watching over us. We don't want to hear how we can always try again and have a new baby or that it wasn't a real person yet, or at least we were not very far along. Or at least we already have other children. Or that something must have been wrong with the child and it is for the best. All those comments may be made out of love but they actually hurt a lot. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times";">You don't mean to. You just aren't really sure what to do. Also, don't forget about them. Just because 2 weeks or 2 months have passed does not mean that your friend couldn't use a really big hug next time you see them. We still need you to remember us in your prayers from time to time to pray for peace and comfort. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times";"><b>Thanks for meeting us where we are at. That's what helps the most.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">So here's something I really feel I need to say (my Disclaimer, if you will):</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you aren’t witnessing my life first hand you really wouldn’t believe it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get it. I am LIVING it and often have trouble believing it! Comprehending how I could be causing so much "stuff." High drama, hypochondriac, exaggerating, liar, attention-seeking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These things <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have all been said about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I "make excuses or blame others or have a low pain tolerance." <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With my ridiculous desire to people-please it is understandable that knowing these things are being said (mostly behind my back) really hurts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And of course I then desire to defend and over explain. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I don’t share my life and put all this out there to gain empathy or get attention; I truly believe God is in every detail and I hope that someone can relate or feel encouraged, or can encourage me and lift me up.</span></div>
SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-68067903629241248842015-07-26T02:22:00.000-05:002016-06-08T23:14:40.509-05:00My Pregnancy Journey:Part 4 - The Dark Place (Grief & Loss)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Damn You, Dark Place.</b> I never wanted to see you again. I told you we're through. I demanded you leave me be. Yet you found me. You crept into my head and stealthily took hold of my heart. It was familiar territory for you and you knew all the cracks in the walls. Getting in was easy. And while I know that God will carry me through any storm, I really didn't want this one to rage.<br />
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The pain. The deep, dark, lonely hurt. That anger I'm embarrassed to admit exists and the guilt that controls too many of my thoughts. Guys, I'm hurting bad today. I KNOW God is in this, drawing me near, bringing me through to the other side, but I am so scared to go through <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-3-goodbye.html" target="_blank">this storm</a>.<br />
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I've been here before. The thing is I'm not sure how long it will last. Already I'm doing much better than the days following Bentlee's death. The intensity of the pain is just as deep but the frequency is not as all-consuming.<br />
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Most of my day was filled with such <b>joy</b>. My mom and brothers were over - visiting & helping clean (& pick up some of the pieces of life that had fallen apart while in the throws of morning sickness). My mom made an awesome dinner, Dan was home for much of the day, I began the day with a very healing visit with a dear friend and closed it out watching a movie with another friend and the kiddos. Dean lost another tooth. <b>Bruce SAID "I love you too, Mom" for the FIRST TIME EVER!! </b><br />
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But at night, that's where the Dark Place finds me. He brings insomnia and deep, raw, brutal emotional hurt. I KNOW this gets better - I have done this before! Actually, I've done it a lot. More than anyone ever should have to. Ever. The Dark Place also brings Anger with him - they're old pals.<br />
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Anger. We had made it so far it felt. The worst of the hyperemesis was <i>almost over</i>. Every blood test had my hcg levels doubling, the ultrasound showed this was not another ectopic. There was a baby and a heartbeat. I took the meds and the shots and went to all the appointments & felt the intense anxiety. Things were starting out so very promising. Then this. This loss was something brand new, totally unexpected, and not even a common problem. So I angrily cry out "Really?!?!" I mean, at some point, I gotta get a little angry here.<br />
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I'm in the bedroom attempting to tackle my mountain of laundry, watching Hulu. My current show's episode was over and the next show to autoplay was <i>Teen Mom Original Generation</i>. I've never had cable but 5 years ago I would watch this show every single day at the hospital. While I was pregnant with Bentlee, Dan would drop me off at the Infusion Center each day & I'd get my 2 liters of IV fluids with meds, watch Teen Mom, and head home a couple hours later.<br />
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As dorky as this is to admit, Bentlee was named after this show. One of the moms had this beautiful little blonde boy, Bentley. I instantly fell in love with this name, but we later found out we were expecting a girl. Dan said Bentley is a girl name too - just like our daughter is named Taylor, however he wanted to use the spelling Bentlee, replacing the Y with an E. Since she was born not long after that we hadn't discussed any OTHER name ideas and it seemed fitting to give our precious daughter the name Bentlee Patricia (my mother's name is Patti). <br />
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After Bentlee passed I no longer had a need to visit the Infusion Center at the hospital and thus quit watching the show. I'd read bits here & there about various Teen Mom participants, but that show was pretty much isolated to this like 4ish-month span of time.<br />
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<i>Teen Mom OG</i> picks up 5 years after the premiere of the first season. I made it LESS THAN 4 MINUTES into this show before <b>The Dark Place</b> sat down to be my viewing partner. Baby Bentley is now 5 years old, just a tiny bit older than MY Bentlee would be right now. Tyler & Catelynn (who chose adoption their first child) are now 22 and very much wanting to start a family of their own. The joy they had when their pregnancy test was positive was an instant trigger for me.<br />
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Almost 7 weeks ago that was ME eliciting <i><b>that same joy</b></i> when <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-1-8-weeks.html" target="_blank">MY pregnancy test was positive</a>. How do I reconcile that joy with the pain the of miscarriage? And I'm sitting here not only grieving a child I never held, but grieving the loss of the concept that our family would possibly someday grow. We know another pregnancy is not wise. Our cup runneth over with blessings beyond description. There is nothing that feels incomplete about our family by any means. It's hard all the same.<br />
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I know it gets easier. I know there IS the other side and I KNOW God is faithful to bring me there again. But today, The Dark Place has found me. <b>Damn You, Dark Place.</b>SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-69433693161022955332015-07-23T00:58:00.003-05:002016-06-08T23:16:01.891-05:00My Pregnancy Journey:Part 3 - Goodbye Without Hello<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This morning I woke up 9 weeks (and 1 day) pregnant. Tonight I am no longer pregnant. The baby passed away some time between Monday and today, Wednesday. Today's ultrasound revealed that Baby no longer has a heartbeat. <b>She is now safe in the arms of God</b>.<br />
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(I do not know the gender - but something I've learned with 10 losses is personalizing the child helps with grief. I'm choosing girl because my hyperemesis/morning sickness is far worse with girls than boys in my personal experience.)<br />
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Late Sunday night I went to the emergency room to score some IV fluids and nausea meds (they are more effective in IV form for me). I had lost 15 lbs (8% of my body weight), was dehydrated, weak, and could not stop throwing up or keep anything down. I did feel much better after a few liters of fluid and a new anti-nausea med prescription. I've even been able to eat a bit the past couple days!<br />
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While we were in the ER an ultrasound was performed. This one had my gestational sac still growing (about 8 weeks along in size) but the baby measuring about 6 weeks. The heartbeat was 88 bpm. This SOUNDS like an improvement but Baby needs to be at least 120 to be healthy. The doctor was not sure how long the process of <b><i><a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-2-waiting-game.html" target="_blank">waiting for my baby's heart to stop beating</a></i></b> would take, only that he was certain it would stop.<br />
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Nothing is bigger than my God; with Him all things are possible and any obstacle can be surmounted. Dan & I (him especially) held out hope God had a different plan in mind for this child than passing away. It's been tough clinging to hope, delaying grief, and blocking out emotion - being numb, strong, positive, practical...<br />
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[Photo Credit <a href="http://theseashoreofremembrance.blogspot.com.au/2012/06/gallery.html" target="_blank">CarlyMarie Photography</a> - for our 9 unnamed babies]</div>
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Now we are<i> able to move forward</i> in our grief - and in healing. Today, again the gestational sac had grown appropriately but the baby had not - growth halted at 6 weeks 1 day. Her heart has stopped beating and the waiting is done. And there is some peace in that. It's tough though to experience yet <i>another</i> NEW thing - a new pregnancy complication, a new way to lose a baby. Each pregnancy and each child has had such unique obstacles and outcomes.<br />
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Since I am on blood thinners and have had many surgical complications in the past a D&C is something we really want to avoid. But, since I am so sick my doctor (who I really, really trust BTW) had me induce labor to speed things along. I took the meds when I got home today and the pain is brutal. This is actual labor contractions to expel (TMI) contents of the uterus. So right now I'm in the throws of very intense cramping and sharp shooting pains.<br />
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The physical pain is what finally <b>broke my wall down</b>. I've been <b>witholding tears</b> since Week 4 when I began spotting. Delaying grief but unable to conceal the joy I also felt. This has been a very emotional (and LONG) 9 weeks of pregnancy. I'm sad, really, really sad.<br />
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Saying <b><i>Goodbye to a child I never even said Hello to</i></b>, never welcomed to this world, never held in my arms... is difficult. It's not something I ever wanted to do again. I couldn't imagine the pain of being here, again, and so desperately did not want to go to that "dark place" ever, ever again, so I tried so hard to block it. But there is no denying the love I have for my child or the bond that happened the instant I found out I was pregnant.<br />
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Being early on in pregnancy or having <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/09/pregnancy-delivery-and-parenting-after.html" target="_blank">been through this all before</a> doesn't change the grief - the depth, the intensity, the rawness of it. <b>I have still lost a child. </b> But here's the thing: God's got us ALL in His hands - Baby, Mommy, Daddy, all of us. I do know that we are capable of getting through to the other side as He has carried us there before.<br />
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As I look around me I know my arms are very much FULL. There are no empty arms when I am so immeasurably blessed by these children God has entrusted me with. Although there is no replacement for what is lost, joy and healing are still found in all that I DO have.<br />
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Thank you for <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-1-8-weeks.html" target="_blank">coming on this journey with me</a>, even if it was shorter than I like and we did not travel as far as expected.SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-45441604393776540442015-07-16T22:01:00.001-05:002016-06-15T21:42:38.901-05:00My Pregnancy Journey:Part 2 - The Waiting Game<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today's ultrasound did not go well. I'm 8 weeks and 2 days. It has been over 2 weeks since <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2015/07/my-pregnancy-journeypart-1-8-weeks.html" target="_blank">my previous ultrasound</a>. In that time the growth of the baby has been equivalent to "5 days" and places me at 6 weeks and 1 day along. That actually puts conception a week AFTER my first positive pregnancy test. Measuring THAT far behind is NOT good,<br />
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The other bad news is that Baby's heartbeat is really slow at 42 bpm; it should be between 110 and 160 for this stage of pregnancy. The doctor told me <b>not</b> to be optimistic - at this point there is nothing that can be done. I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week to check up on Baby - unless I naturally miscarry before then. <br />
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I'm not willing to have a D&C while there is still a heartbeat, despite the very high odds that this is not a viable pregnancy. The doctor said it was not likely this pregnancy will continue, however he could not tell me WHEN I will miscarry or even when the heartbeat will be gone for certain. In fact, it is not even CERTAIN I WILL miscarry - but my odds are "close to 100%." (Doctor's words)<br />
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Nothing is too big for God, for sure, but I'm more preparing for the bad news rather than clinging to hope that creates deep anxiety for another week. A miracle is always possible and brings sheer joy but of course I am sad. But I am also oddly at peace. It is a peace that defies nature and can come from God alone. For me, I've had an unsettling feeling and anxiety for this entire 5 weeks and my prayer has been peace. I'm definitely devastated but I'm handling this much better than I expected I would, I think. Well, for today.<br />
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I think the thing I mean to say is I've not fully processed any of this - I was only just getting used to another pregnancy. I'm not totally certain this feeling is ALL peace - there is numbness in there as well. And some detachment in an effort to not feel as much pain. The truth is I've been through this so many times I'm blocking some of the emotions.<br />
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Now it is a waiting game - WHEN will Baby die (if?) and will I need a D&C (dilation and curettage to remove the contents of the uterus - my body does not like surgeries), etc. Another part I am gonna say sucks is the sickness. Hyperemesis is not correlated to how well the baby is doing (or even how HIGH the hcg volume is). This nausea and vomiting is actually based on the mother - and how she reacts to the hormones. So this means I can be sick until a few weeks AFTER the pregnancy hormones are gone from my body. And I'm really very tired of being sick if you can't tell.<br />
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Photo Credit <a href="http://www.katiescarlettspeaks.com/" target="_blank">Katie Scarlett</a><br />
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Update 7/17/15 - The next morning.<br />
Okay, NOW I am sad. Yesterday I tried to focus on how wonderful my family was already and how "inconvenient" and scary pregnancy can be and mostly try to spare myself the hurt. The truth for me is, it doesn't matter how much "work" pregnancy is - or that my pregnancies usually mean lots of challenges for the whole family - I love THIS baby. It's not about "pregnancy" but my child. Then the sting set in.<br />
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How much I love my family now - where each kid is at, what the future holds, the reality of how much attention each child already needs from me, how much I love my kids and husband - none of that correlates to THIS child. I already love Baby and admitting I'm sad doesn't take away from the joy I have in other areas of life. Admitting I love this child doesn't take away from my love for my other children. So it hits me now that I am hurting. A lot.SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-25391505118534807572015-07-14T23:38:00.002-05:002016-06-08T23:16:49.434-05:00My Pregnancy Journey:Part 1 - 8 weeks<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Today I am 8 weeks pregnant. That may not seem like a lot, but for
my pregnancies, and the unique type of drama that accompanies them, 8 weeks is
a long time. It has been 5 weeks of <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/10/surrendering-my-fears.html" target="_blank">hardcore anxiety</a>, surprise, fear,
delight, and sickness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Oh, the sickness. Pregnancy is like
being drunk. Every single second of the day is that hungover feeling
where your head is pounding, totally dehydrated, thirsty, and the all-consuming
need to vomit. However, this vomiting brings NO relief. I simply throw
up everything - which is often only stomach acid & bile because I'm too
sick to eat - and have it coming out my nose and getting stuck in chunks at the
back of my throat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks (where were
those results when I actually wanted to lose weight?!) and feel completely
dehydrated and weak. It's causing headaches and there's this unending
feeling of nausea. All that extra saliva cannot be swallowed or I'll throw up.
I can hardly breathe (my nose is always plugged but now mouth breathing
is vomit-inducing). </span><br />
<a name='more'></a><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">All of this complaining to explain why the
last 5 weeks have felt so LOOOOONNNG - and that we are already so invested in
this pregnancy. The anxiety has been mind-blowing. I had a couple
days of spotting (and one day of heavy bleeding and cramping) but was too early
for the ultrasound to show anything. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">I did blood hcg and progesterone tests
every other day for 2 weeks. The hcg (pregnancy hormone) levels were rising
appropriately but at first my progesterone was low. This means that
either I was miscarrying or that I will because there is not enough
progesterone to support the pregnancy. This is typical for me and after 4
days on the prescribed supplements my levels were in the safe zone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">The last couple ultrasounds DID show a sac
in the uterus - which is very important because I have had an <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-was-watching-brucie-try-to-crawl-today.html" target="_blank">ectopic</a> (tubal)
pregnancy in the past. So one big hurdle past! At 6 weeks 1 day along I had an
ultrasound at the high-risk perinatal clinic. (They took fantastic care of me
during my last pregnancy, with Bruce.) They dated me at 5 weeks 4 days
(not scientifically possible) and were unable to obtain cardiac activity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">So I usually measure behind - the babies
are smaller than their due date. So I guess I shouldn't be overly concerned,
but how can I not be? I have lost NINE babies - including an ectopic
(with emergency surgery where I also lost my tube), <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/09/happy-birthday-in-heaven.html" target="_blank">a 2nd trimester loss</a> (with
a very painful delivery) and a <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-was-watching-brucie-try-to-crawl-today.html" target="_blank">vanishing twin</a> (Bruce's pregnancy). There
is fear there. Anxiety is high.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Due to a weeklong vacation we were taking
for my grandparents 50th anniversary I scheduled my next ultrasound for over 2
weeks from that last one. So it's this Thursday. I'm waffling
between petrified there is no heartbeat (no, being this sick is NOT a guarantee
the pregnancy is going well. I have been this sick with a dead baby in my
belly before) and this <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/30-day-30-minute-prayer-challenge-day-9.html" target="_blank">supernatural peace</a> that God is in control.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">There's something important I learned
after <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/09/pregnancy-delivery-and-parenting-after.html" target="_blank">Bentlee died</a>: all my children are His. I surrender all my children
to the Lord, both those living on earth and those in Heaven. God can be
glorified in all things and I'm trying to focus on glorifying Him in this -
despite sickness and anxiety. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">So in a couple days I will be able to
confirm this is a viable pregnancy and that the baby is in the sac, in the
uterus, with a heartbeat, as all should be. Then the REAL work begins. Right now I'm taking baby aspirin but I will need to begin blood thinner
shots. It's a daily injection of Lovenox into the abdomen. It's all
totally worth it, but definitely painful as I become more and more bruised from each shot.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;">Each persons response has included a "wow." Accompanied also by many questions. So here's some answers to save myself some time.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;">It's not really relevant if this pregnancy was planned versus unexpected because Baby is here now, and that's a blessing. <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-was-watching-brucie-try-to-crawl-today.html" target="_blank">Our birth control methods</a> are our business and not up for discussion. I do <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/i-was-watching-brucie-try-to-crawl-today.html" target="_blank">trust God with our family size</a> and believe this pregnancy and this child is a blessing. And yes, I will probably close up shop after this, if all works out, but for now that's still one of the few things I'm keeping private.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOAVN2nU_KB-7pJwfevRVl5pF8CCU7K06dZ4WIgfGY7ZumxnkGmKVorPIs1CZ0Q34s85He4KpJnp8egoV1n_yUF28B5RbJRKiYEXRcfiV2da40iPOOw-cpAOt4PeRggGdFffGIuvfpdDc/s1600/IMG_5096.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOAVN2nU_KB-7pJwfevRVl5pF8CCU7K06dZ4WIgfGY7ZumxnkGmKVorPIs1CZ0Q34s85He4KpJnp8egoV1n_yUF28B5RbJRKiYEXRcfiV2da40iPOOw-cpAOt4PeRggGdFffGIuvfpdDc/s400/IMG_5096.PNG" width="225" /></a><span style="font-size: 18px;">Yes, it's pretty scary to go through all of this again. I'm sick, anxious, and totally exhausted. My house is a massive mess. I am so blessed to have a really great support system (especially my hubby, great - & responsible - kids, and the PCAs the kids have). </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 18px;">No, my life is not at risk. There is a very real possibility of the baby dying, bu not of me dying. Blood thinners do come with a set of risks, but most of this is discomfort to me, not danger.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;">Yes, I've tried essential oils of various kinds, ginger candy, and peppermint tea. I'm limiting my use of Zofran due to some evidence of harm to baby (and it doesn't really help much). I'm taking Reglan but it doesn't do much - sometimes stopping the actual vomiting but not eliminating the nausea. I'm eating tiny amounts and not drinking and eating in the same meal. I've tried Sea Bands acupressure. Hyperemesis is beyond all these methods.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;">Yes, my hands are full. And my my home. And my heart. And my days. And my cup. My cup is full - it runneth over.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 18px;">No, I do not plan to stop breastfeeding Bruce. If my doctor has given me the thumbs up then I'll still follow through on my plan to let Bruce lead the weaning process - for now.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;">Yup, I know I'm already crazy fat and pregnancy with bedrest will make it worse. I'm trying not to obsess about it. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;">No, I don't have a preference between boy or girl (although the kids want a girl) and I don't have any name ideas.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;">My due date is February 23rd, 2016.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 18px;">Yes, it is all worth it, regardless of the outcome.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/09/pregnancy-delivery-and-parenting-after.html" target="_blank">Last pregnancy</a> I had some moments of intense depression - fear, anxiety, being sick and on bedrest, having life be in utter chaos and my home a disaster. But I did have an opportunity to rely on God daily - to trust in His plans and to <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/prayers-for-pregnancy-birth.html" target="_blank">give me strength</a>. I was also blessed to have lots of prayer warriors.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;">So I'm hoping this time that blogging - taking you on this journey with me - will help with the sanity stuff (whining about being sick, talking out my fears, sharing my joys) and garner some Prayer Warriors along the way.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 18px;">So please pray for the safety and life of this unborn baby, for the sickness to lighten up a bit, for my family and those around me who have to put in extra work, and for me to <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/10/scriptures-to-combat-worry-anxiety.html" target="_blank">give my anxiety up to God</a> and surrender my thoughts to Him.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;">Oh, and I feel compelled to share this:</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbFzOzuQedY">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbFzOzuQedY</a></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 18px;"><br /></span></div>
SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-81801867708338071092015-05-11T22:50:00.000-05:002016-06-08T23:17:50.536-05:00Busy Bags for On the Go Entertainment<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We spend SO MUCH time in the waiting room at appointments (doctor offices and especially tons of therapies) or in the car. With 4 kids it can be chaos getting out the door. We need coats, shoes, snacks, diapers, and entertainment. So, to solve that last one we put together ready-made, grab-and-go busy bags.<br />
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I dug through the schoolroom and the kids' bedrooms and collected a much-more-massive-than-is-necessary slew of travel toys. I stuffed the items in bags - some are geared towards my boys (6 and 2) and the others for my girls (10 and 13) but most are a mixture. Before we head out the door we grab a bag (sometimes 2 if all 4 kids are going, but often the girls don't mind playing with whatever the boys have).<br />
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At present I haven't labeled the bags because the kids have fun with the mystery of it. The bags in the picture are actually thermal lunch bags I found at Michael's for $2 a piece. I have a few more to pack up so I'll likely use some gallon ziploc bags or some cheap thrift shop find. The various containers and pencil pouches were all randomly collected over my homeschooling and clearance shopping years.<br />
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Hope these Busy Bag/Travel Activities give you some ideas!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiomiTCGWlFoIPRiCIZA_YXdU8SE56PCQuaqiHa3MILAR6hrYezs82aG7MpEh8noXhyrSYn4n-T3UBTOVUfz0u8LTxNyzXxGhkqkKXmZ41Nd76dKM-nbYT9gREx3xCXPY7nYg8DiEQguT0/s1600/IMG_3190.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiomiTCGWlFoIPRiCIZA_YXdU8SE56PCQuaqiHa3MILAR6hrYezs82aG7MpEh8noXhyrSYn4n-T3UBTOVUfz0u8LTxNyzXxGhkqkKXmZ41Nd76dKM-nbYT9gREx3xCXPY7nYg8DiEQguT0/s1600/IMG_3190.JPG" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzRyxACTr9_MKVj5X7QWiDJBn3_XQPEbjI8qRnx1zngaXl8ClwKcHT7xa7qOnf1ygzTc12F9u53z1KpYYiWdwgCTEb7wki3WrJxfvJwPIqbuBorkwkuSPgasgYnAwcOsL4LQXbGyz00uM/s1600/IMG_3191.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzRyxACTr9_MKVj5X7QWiDJBn3_XQPEbjI8qRnx1zngaXl8ClwKcHT7xa7qOnf1ygzTc12F9u53z1KpYYiWdwgCTEb7wki3WrJxfvJwPIqbuBorkwkuSPgasgYnAwcOsL4LQXbGyz00uM/s1600/IMG_3191.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<ul>
<li>Magic Ink book & marker (Jake the Pirate here, but I have a few on hand to replace it - Target Dollar Spot!!)</li>
<li>Board book with pop ups, pull tabs, etc. This holds their attention longer.</li>
<li>A boxed cube puzzle - each side of the block has different images so it is 6 puzzles. Found at the thrift store but the brand is Ravensburg and they are on Zulily (on sale) frequently.</li>
<li>Magnetic book of colors</li>
<li>A Jake the Pirate electronic game (thrift store)</li>
<li>A mini color book and crayon set</li>
<li>A car and a few minifigs (the ones in here are from a Jake Busy Book - the books broke long ago but we have tons of little figurines still)</li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>An Eric Carle block puzzle -- these cube puzzles are nice because they make several puzzles with very few pieces AND Bruce likes to stack the blocks into towers</li>
<li>Small activity & color books, pack of Jumbo crayons, and a small container of mini colored pencils and a sharpener</li>
<li>The Curious George tin has lacing boards and string</li>
<li>A couple Hot Wheels and a spinning top</li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>Various puzzle and activity books - Brain Games, Hangman, Mad Libs, Word Seek, blank notesbooks</li>
<li>A travel Cribbage-type(but with dice) game board (with all the pieces in the zippered pencil pouch)</li>
<li>A Dollar Store travel spirograph - with blank paper & colored pens</li>
<li>Travel Boggle Game because it's a fun game AND the spinny thing is pretty fun</li>
<li>Colored dot logic game</li>
<li>Crazy Eights card game</li>
<li>Zippered pencil pouch with pencil, eraser, sharpener, colored pens, the gears to the Spirograph, and the game playing pieces and dice</li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>Magnet Dolls with their clothes and accessories (in the Monster High zipper pouch)</li>
<li>A pencil box with mini foam alphabet puzzle (Dollar Store) - they fit perfectly in the box and I can't believe how many ways the boys find to play with them!</li>
<li>Clear mini canisters with screw top lids - or screw onto each other - with erasers and other small treasures inside</li>
<li>A couple mini color activity books, pads of paper, and tons of stickers</li>
<li>Skinny Pipsqueaks markers</li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>Jigsaw puzzle book about transportation with various vehicle puzzles on each page</li>
<li>A pencil case with Thomas figurines and play mat (once upon a time we bought the Busy Book which is a board book with play figures from the story and a play mat on the last page. The books broke easily, the pieces would get lost, and it was bulky and took up too much space. WE eventually threw out all the books and saved only the figures and mats)</li>
<li>Pencil case with tons of mini coloring books, stickers, and crayons</li>
<li>Pencil case with markers and note pads</li>
<li>Uno card game</li>
<li>Olaf travel color & activity case</li>
<li>A Melissa & Doug wooden baby toy - mirror & color flip tool</li>
</ul>
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<ul>
<li>Travel Mancala game with the gems in a ziploc baggie</li>
<li>Fold up travel dry erase board with mini dry erase markers</li>
<li>Tinkerbelle with magnetic clothes</li>
<li>Gel pens & black paper</li>
<li>Travel color & activity book with markers (can you tell we love to color?!)</li>
<li>Small princess coloring books with stickers</li>
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<li>Busy Books Planes "Stuck on Stories" (those Busy Books I was talking about - but this one has suction cups on the backs of pieces)</li>
<li>Shape Sorter w/ walls and shapes</li>
<li>Motorcycle and cars</li>
<li>Small books</li>
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<ul>
<li>Pegs in a pencil box and a foam board</li>
<li>Cookie Monster wipes tin from dollar store with crayons in it (Bruce loves Cookie Monster)</li>
<li>A Very Hungry Caterpillar travel stationary set (paper, pencil, sharpener, case, stickers)</li>
<li>Wiki Stix and travel shape book for them</li>
<li>Mini magna doodle</li>
<li>Hot Wheels</li>
<li>Small coloring books</li>
<li>3 small tupperware-type containers with all the parts to an eraser-puzzle (from the dollar store)</li>
<li>Mini board books - wrapped up for extra fun while opening (when we went on a plane ride I needed to keep Bruce happy for as long as possible)</li>
<li>Spinning light stick</li>
<li>Water rings game</li>
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<ul>
<li>Lacing beads and string in a zip up case</li>
<li>Fiddlestix in a zip up case</li>
<li>Quiz it books with the talking/light up pen</li>
<li>Twistable crayons</li>
<li>Mini coloring books</li>
<li>ABC pop-up & lift-the-flap book (again, wrapped for plane rides, longer trips, etc)</li>
<li>Hot Wheels car</li>
<li>Pop-tube</li>
<li>Sticker & decorate-a-scene book</li>
<li>Mini magna doodle</li>
<li>5 snap-open blocks filled with small figures & mini erasers (I cannot believe how long he is entertained by opening, closing, & refilling these things)</li>
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<li style="text-align: left;">Felt activity book - Target Dollar Spot (I snagged several different themes)</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">A My Little Pony travel pack - book, crayons, stickers</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">Big Hero 6 Activity & Sticker Book</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">Surprise Ink books and markers</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">A pencil pouch with homemade popsicle stick toys - velcro on ends to create different shapes (like make a house or castle)</li>
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The bags are stored inside Thirty-One Large Utility Totes on a shelf in the mudroom where the kids can grab and go. The big trick is getting it OUT of the car, picked up, and put BACK where it belongs. But if I knew the answer to that I'd still have my sanity - which was long gone years ago!!</div>
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<br />SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-51266535653379342132015-03-27T03:23:00.002-05:002018-06-24T14:39:05.263-05:00Sensory Bin Palooza (and this month's school games)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So we're studying geology in school this semester and I thought these chocolate rocks would be a hit. I was right.<br />
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I added some colored paper to an old cardboard scrapbooking-supply-bin and gave Bruce his bin of vehicle manipulatives and he went right to work sorting them into the colored bins. It was fun to dump them into the wrong color and have him calmly "fix" it.<br />
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It wouldn't be a complete blog post without overwhelming you with photos of some of the sensory bins we had this month -- since our "theme" is Spring and Colors they involved a lot of colored items:<br />
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Dyeing popcorn kernels was NOT as easy as anything I've done before! This photo does not include the blue/purple because they took longer to soak in color and dye. </div>
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I found these AWESOME pasta noodles at Aldi for $2 per bag! They came in Farm Animals and Traveling Vehicles. Although they were fun all on their own I did pull out all the natural ones (some had been dyed with spinach and carrot powder already) to add some color to them. I couldn't help myself!</div>
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So pretty, right?! We pulled out trains of every color and glued them to cardstock after we read Freight Train - a book about trains of each color.</div>
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Dollar Store straws cut into pieces - Bruce and Dean enjoyed cutting them up more than playing with them. We later strung them onto pipe cleaners for a little fine motor skill-building.</div>
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Water beads are messy. But they are so fun. So I tried again (I swore I'd never buy them again a year ago). Yeah, it happened again. Dean chopped them up with spoons and they got stuck in the grooves of the wood floor. There won't be a next time, but if there is, I'll lay down a sheet first. :)<br />
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Lentils. And no, I haven't colored these. </div>
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They can't all be a slam dunk. For me, shaving cream (and cornstarch) was an epic fail. All my preventative measures did nothing to hinder the mess this made. I can handle a lot when it comes to sensory play but this required far too much clean up to be worth it.</div>
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Bruce enjoys sitting IN the sensory bins. So I found him a bigger bin. He's playing with colored rice here. He's allergic to rice only if he eats it or it gets into his system. </div>
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Hayden and Dean use pirate ships in everything. Dry beans this time. </div>
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We had this awesome St Patrick's Day Treasure Hunt! I downloaded a really creative freebie from the teacherspayteachers site and hung up the clues where they fit. The goodie bags were filled with rainbow candies (Mike & Ike, fruit gummies, part of a Nerds rope, rainbow sour straws, Easter mini erasers, a stretchy bunny fidget, a love note, and some stickers. Then I added some curling ribbon for flair. Okay, I spent longer prepping for this than it took the kids to find the treasure, but they really enjoyed it. Worth it. </div>
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Ended our ordinary day today with a round of Doodle Dice and a homemade Contraction Concentration game.</div>
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SimplyBlessedJourneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14713812483850726325noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2787814129828343745.post-19086274126820026472015-01-28T11:30:00.001-06:002016-06-15T22:50:37.184-05:00Our Homeschool Journey: Sensory Friendly School Room<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a name='more'></a>When we first began our homeschooling journey 6 years ago we didn't really have the space for a traditional "schoolroom." We would store curriculum and craft items in the basement and carry what we needed for the week upstairs in a bucket and work in the living room, where there was more light. Eventually we bought desks for the 2 older girls and laptops for each and needed space for them. </div>
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We had a small room at <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2014/04/our-foreclosure-journey-part-4.html" target="_blank">our old home</a> that, by the time we added 2 desks, 2 bookshelves, a filing cabinet, and a printer table, did not fit all of us in it. So if the girls needed me to work with them we still had to use another room. So it was still a "storage room" of sorts. My friend labeled it The Resource Room since learning happens everywhere, not just in the room with the books!<br />
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Although this worked well for many years I will say that I've always wanted a place where we could separate school from the rest of life. Where most of what we needed for our homeschool day was at our fingertips. So when we <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2014/07/our-foreclosure-journey-part-7-good.html" target="_blank">moved into our new home this summer</a> I was pretty jazzed to have a room designated "The Schoolroom."</div>
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I believe it was intended to be a formal dining room, however we used the 4 season porch for eating instead. This freed up this awesome space to create a schoolroom. Although our needs are met, we don't necessarily have unlimited funds to furnish a schoolroom, so it's not too spectacular. This home is also a rental so we use a lot of Command Hooks. </div>
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So you'll see that nothing is too fancy or pricey; most items are homemade or from the thrift store. Not all of my storage boxes and furnishings match flawlessly and it's always cluttered because I have far too much "stuff" but I'd still love to share one of our favorite rooms with you.<br />
We tried to make it sensory-friendly to make an optimal learning environment for my children with Autism. </div>
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<b>Oh, and the set-up/layout of the room changes now and then so the photos show some overlap. </b>This is not necessarily a QUIET space by any means, but when the kids need to get the crazies out we send them to <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2014/10/diy-occupational-therapy-play-room-in.html" target="_blank">the OT room downstairs</a> to be active!<br />
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This shelf is mostly items for The Littles. I've got 2 younger boys (Dean is in Kindergarten and Bruce is almost 2) and frequently have a friend's preschoolers over during the week. These toys, sorted by type, replaced <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/occupying-younger-kids-during-school.html" target="_blank">my old Busy Box system</a> (where several different items went together in 1 box). We still use busy bags for travel/on-the-go though.<br />
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I use mostly clear bins and label maker tape to organize items so they are easy to find.</div>
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Kinetic Sand, Play-Doh, and their accessories all have their own bins. The pom-poms have laminated do-a-dot photos and tongs in their bin. We use colored sand and sight word flash cards to practice spelling & writing. Several types of magnetic books, letters, shapes, and blocks live on this shelf.<br />
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Pop blocks, lacing beads, bristle blocks, peg pictures, color sorting cups and items, gears, shape-sorting toys with nesting barrels toy hammers, ABC cookies, wooden puzzles, a ball-hammer set, Fiddlestix, and a toy scale finish filling up this bookshelf.<br />
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This is the little boys' desk area, next to their bookshelf. Here's where the workbooks, coloring books, storytime props, Color Wonder, stacking pegs, <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-name-game.html" target="_blank">unifix cubes</a>, alphabet games, Magna-Doodles and Etch-a-Sketches live. Dry-Erase boards & books, Wiki Stix, pattern blocks & their laminated photo cards, flash cards, kids art supplies (markers, crayons, water-paint books), and calendar magnets are stored here as well.<br />
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Dean is really into maps - states, continents, capitals, flags, etc. I scored this cool talking globe at the thrift store!<br />
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We have 2 classroom wall calendars:<br />
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The theme of the classroom is a Wise Owl so the main "date" calendar is laminated printables I bought on TPT (teacherspayteachers.com). We use sticky putty to tack them on the wall and change the dates each month. (I am really really bad at updating this calendar, but I'm totally on top of things with the one in our Family Command Center!)<br />
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The other is a magnetic Melissa & Doug calendar - just for Dean. He labels the weather, the date, his feelings that day, and any special events.<br />
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Recently we got rid of the other types of shelving and wardrobe to make room for this futon. I love having a couch to sit on when I snuggle up to the boys to work with them. I rearranged some shelving & desks so there are some photos here of the way it looks now and some in previous stages...</div>
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The boys each have a table with two stools as a desk - which are nice because they can be pushed together for a larger desk space. They are lightweight and easy to move. We picked these up for $15 each at Ikea.</div>
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Alphabet border from Dollar Spot at Target that I laminated and hung around the window.</div>
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My teacher cart! The items I need to have on hand, nearby. It's my "desk." A rolling cart from Ikea. Mostly because I thought it was pretty and really wanted it.</div>
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We <b>may</b> have a <i>slight</i> board game obsession. Okay, obsession is putting it mildly. Most are thrift store finds - and I'm a pretty good couponer - also we live with another family so when we combined games it was pretty crazy! Generally I pick them up at thrift stores - especially ones that fit whatever topic we are studying in school - and then donate them later. I'd like to say I get rid of one each time I buy a new one but I'm actually a hoarder of all things homeschool. Inside of the closed doors (with child locks) art/school supplies in labeled drawers and boxes.<br />
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The first of the 4 bookshelves holds the Little Kid games mostly. I'm a big fan of manipulatives as well so the counting bears and pet counters have a home here. Pattern blocks and a sorting bin, mosaic tiles, and snap letters are here as well, since the older kids do sometimes use them.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2MJa-duw0z6ahUrdTCFxOB7Mdz4-iU4Ubfe6zFxfXBbqDLTI93L7gcyqtmJdpOQqKfE8zoy8sLAFH_mbUxiqs355_lV45MhDfcQmJg1ACjGhZAAuhOc7c7kcUZybP2Z2W2b3roCHW3i8/s1600/IMG_8232.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2MJa-duw0z6ahUrdTCFxOB7Mdz4-iU4Ubfe6zFxfXBbqDLTI93L7gcyqtmJdpOQqKfE8zoy8sLAFH_mbUxiqs355_lV45MhDfcQmJg1ACjGhZAAuhOc7c7kcUZybP2Z2W2b3roCHW3i8/s1600/IMG_8232.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a>We did move the table around to be along the window and create more floor space for the little ones to play.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhVBBCeyntU_2RYo556AoEd3zd6Z5VrEcUNIaaCvFgxWkG0nl81LfHzaTNFUT_ql6tWTOafYn_lLNnDMP492PVnPZ146dJktW_U1CUmZ1ldDdJQRQ9NLsyvjZUxCV4Bik2SZzc7bqJx3Y/s1600/IMG_3702.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhVBBCeyntU_2RYo556AoEd3zd6Z5VrEcUNIaaCvFgxWkG0nl81LfHzaTNFUT_ql6tWTOafYn_lLNnDMP492PVnPZ146dJktW_U1CUmZ1ldDdJQRQ9NLsyvjZUxCV4Bik2SZzc7bqJx3Y/s1600/IMG_3702.JPG" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYN5qbkp0tov1I85aF3ZAuMfbneDcKtt2GgADwt2MfLkqwWOdNrdtY1h9MKu5AmAucc17tWzJ5PIzbiJpB2eczXlmRq-mMANCxUfe_xcQEDlp2kQgH6bvoGcsry-vNqQhKyVOASzQegEc/s1600/IMG_3685.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYN5qbkp0tov1I85aF3ZAuMfbneDcKtt2GgADwt2MfLkqwWOdNrdtY1h9MKu5AmAucc17tWzJ5PIzbiJpB2eczXlmRq-mMANCxUfe_xcQEDlp2kQgH6bvoGcsry-vNqQhKyVOASzQegEc/s1600/IMG_3685.JPG" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQNjjiUFA-Fh9GtvTjiBrh08MxWpBvUlTCTylqHitS8dy-rFBoo8rV-HA_WOoZoxs7c8xMA8cC5727upl1BHUPakanX8XX7ZjLFCtRupSr2DD6MVmNilux3jaMFa5GnpAsr9BNO8_R3-s/s1600/IMG_3682.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQNjjiUFA-Fh9GtvTjiBrh08MxWpBvUlTCTylqHitS8dy-rFBoo8rV-HA_WOoZoxs7c8xMA8cC5727upl1BHUPakanX8XX7ZjLFCtRupSr2DD6MVmNilux3jaMFa5GnpAsr9BNO8_R3-s/s1600/IMG_3682.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">The bulk of our curriculum (what we are using this year and a few fun extras) are in these file folders from Ikea. It's easier to find a book I'm searching for this way then to look at tons of book bindings of all different sizes. Science kits are on the shelves above the file folders. Scales, timers, and other fun stuff of that nature are here too. </span></div>
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The larger bins didn't fit well on other shelves so they hang out here. We used our </div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">This rental home we have been blessed to be in has a walk-in closet in our master bedroom. So we no longer needed this Ikea wardrobe in our room. Ikea has shelving that can be added instead of hanging rods and it is very deep and can store a lot of larger items. The clear plastic drawers are just the cheap ones from Target. They contain art supplies (felt scraps, cardstock, ribbons, stickers, duct tape) and are labeled with those same cute owl-themed labels. All of our </span><a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/11/sensory-bin-ideas-for-babies-toddlers.html" style="text-align: start;" target="_blank">sensory bin items</a><span style="text-align: start;"> are stored here.</span></div>
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No matter how organized our sensory bin and art items are, they still look "cluttered" so I like that I can hide them in this wardrobe facing the wall.<br />
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Puzzles, card games, dice games, flash cards, smaller games and traveling games are sorted into clear bins and labeled. This keeps them organized on the shelf and makes them easier to find. Most of the puzzles are in ziploc baggies to cut down on space.<br />
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Each child has a colored desk caddy. They have their crayons, scissors, pencils, sharpener, erasers, etc. right at their finger tips. Each child has their own large tin of Thinking Putty in there as well to fidget with. </div>
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In addition to the markers and crayons each child has in their caddy we have "group" supplies. Each color has a labeled cup and anything in the realm of that shade is in that cup. Tons of color options, no fighting over the red marker! Fidgets and our <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2014/11/diy-weighted-stuffed-animalslap-buddies.html" target="_blank">homemade lap buddies</a> are stored on this shelf as well.<br />
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I've since taken this wardrobe out and opened up the room a bit by using taller bookcases.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB7g_P1uwEFE5SFrHqP_VCW0a9jJGyyQkD-S-ABWjE62Sqhd_o4JcwPxNXue2E655FpwOPqIs8ODUVTM9aonnZkNLB6xQvzfcPwfaCnzuc7BaldWfE7gVZGiMrHisQcwS01xThFhjjYJQ/s1600/IMG_8266.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB7g_P1uwEFE5SFrHqP_VCW0a9jJGyyQkD-S-ABWjE62Sqhd_o4JcwPxNXue2E655FpwOPqIs8ODUVTM9aonnZkNLB6xQvzfcPwfaCnzuc7BaldWfE7gVZGiMrHisQcwS01xThFhjjYJQ/s1600/IMG_8266.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNt4ABBihBnna68MlciGFKHSXjC-X9O_DWulpDGhrWWSETIHfIOhl43OJZ-huTacfDjvwI9r7oJi8wg6wRAwPDr5761bADb0d8scVzr5Dz7fE2SV-cDkbT6IvBOEg-H097srP1SPkdrjE/s1600/IMG_8258.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNt4ABBihBnna68MlciGFKHSXjC-X9O_DWulpDGhrWWSETIHfIOhl43OJZ-huTacfDjvwI9r7oJi8wg6wRAwPDr5761bADb0d8scVzr5Dz7fE2SV-cDkbT6IvBOEg-H097srP1SPkdrjE/s1600/IMG_8258.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyTtV3doLxyobQfoDhiXG9NXiLENOac03RiZ57C64CrTMjhpdEzkf5hj1_trv2vD67Cw4L8NA6Hl1r7myufl3t5fGZXVXE997r0un2Rd7EwQNmc076sINrBuzMuUCAiQs2taEXaS7mZ58/s1600/IMG_9243.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyTtV3doLxyobQfoDhiXG9NXiLENOac03RiZ57C64CrTMjhpdEzkf5hj1_trv2vD67Cw4L8NA6Hl1r7myufl3t5fGZXVXE997r0un2Rd7EwQNmc076sINrBuzMuUCAiQs2taEXaS7mZ58/s1600/IMG_9243.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a></div>
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This is very possibly the boys' favorite toy! $2 "color coaster" at the thrift store, 50 cent nesting barrels, and a toy hammer. They sort the colored shapes on the pegs or into barrels and hammer them open. Never gets old, occupies them for hours. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr9fpM6DwEa_btNPoB2alnMQRL05xvpVZosMjV3Ot7a1Zclsn6RBCW2k9y5On0oIKNWZtiothDdYlK28L-KvZi1rZr9qk95ZBF5JtSDSFO8ApRCs0jYgneC82Fk__SPuxHRcIC7OYxJME/s1600/IMG_8869.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr9fpM6DwEa_btNPoB2alnMQRL05xvpVZosMjV3Ot7a1Zclsn6RBCW2k9y5On0oIKNWZtiothDdYlK28L-KvZi1rZr9qk95ZBF5JtSDSFO8ApRCs0jYgneC82Fk__SPuxHRcIC7OYxJME/s1600/IMG_8869.JPG" width="300" /></a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiq6pRcNqEabwupKIG6CZ9ZWdr2oCFj2HTovl_9Cj66jbLOBs_cdYR3_Kk52HIwogWDQYb5KnSgc3bZ_LH865nPnQ_nNfO3exE9KLRdS4IWMJ5-L4fCiTGstwVQIpEUnt-XdgiQ4sT1RY/s1600/IMG_8253.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiq6pRcNqEabwupKIG6CZ9ZWdr2oCFj2HTovl_9Cj66jbLOBs_cdYR3_Kk52HIwogWDQYb5KnSgc3bZ_LH865nPnQ_nNfO3exE9KLRdS4IWMJ5-L4fCiTGstwVQIpEUnt-XdgiQ4sT1RY/s1600/IMG_8253.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a><br />
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I'm especially proud of the fidget collection we've built up over time. They are stored in clear plastic boxes on the shelf but I tossed them in here for picture-taking. With the kids' special needs (such as Autism and ADHD) having items to fidget with or chew on helps them calm and/or focus. I took photos of some of their favorites. You can find items at the Dollar Store, Target One Spot, thrift stores, and online shops like autismshop.com and thetherapyplace.com.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwIvSNXokWOU9JlhVVtLZbMiu_sMGwy1Z222ie5PDgfcCJYIo7li8xMGKasVKrK47awYAPn7e_osb7FBxMGS0b4POiRIi1unji__u857KkzgVT4Uh3RK6asXuP98QA-cWxfvsaHWRUqwg/s1600/IMG_8236.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwIvSNXokWOU9JlhVVtLZbMiu_sMGwy1Z222ie5PDgfcCJYIo7li8xMGKasVKrK47awYAPn7e_osb7FBxMGS0b4POiRIi1unji__u857KkzgVT4Uh3RK6asXuP98QA-cWxfvsaHWRUqwg/s1600/IMG_8236.JPG" width="320" /></a><br />
Light up squishy "caterpillar," glow wand, stress ball, jiggle tube, chewy straw, and the balloons are homemade stress balls. We filled balloons with various sensory items such as flour, oatmeal, even dry rice.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho-iauqhx8qnutPKCG7_EFckdISfOowfMQYoJNf6x9M3XWfJKvP8ZHrIcD44CJ9xnLYsarjaQIGFgBp-RsPgTQYwPzXWflrl__k1FpK22fS77qmgsiktXRLYtC3tM5ukllRYlwvA_1lBc/s1600/IMG_8238.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho-iauqhx8qnutPKCG7_EFckdISfOowfMQYoJNf6x9M3XWfJKvP8ZHrIcD44CJ9xnLYsarjaQIGFgBp-RsPgTQYwPzXWflrl__k1FpK22fS77qmgsiktXRLYtC3tM5ukllRYlwvA_1lBc/s1600/IMG_8238.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a><br />
Slinkys are great for breathing exercises (breathe in while stretching, release breath while pushing back together), we have full size and mini tins of Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty (BEST thing ever), various chewies for oral sensory needs (each kid has their own - keep a few on hand so you always have a clean one), and this bracelet is great for Taylor's habit of picking and biting her wrists.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjatmxcvk-wvXi7RZa3r4V7zPrR63r_EGrmo2bZ0oRgUwi4kl2IlFxSoihPjx3FfFJX6knbkVpEjsPqazXT2aU-DgQQG9k3gcNVkN1iX0eusD3xNSMqjs_qZOJM9JLLhkvEgoMJV6oyurE/s1600/IMG_8239.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjatmxcvk-wvXi7RZa3r4V7zPrR63r_EGrmo2bZ0oRgUwi4kl2IlFxSoihPjx3FfFJX6knbkVpEjsPqazXT2aU-DgQQG9k3gcNVkN1iX0eusD3xNSMqjs_qZOJM9JLLhkvEgoMJV6oyurE/s1600/IMG_8239.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4rAKk5I0XZjXEUdD9Ygwlcu0T3__S3lVH_CF15d7WQcZWx_47yx0ADOqXbIl8lQ1mL9wEArALxNccr6VXcjoJGYRzn_lJDtsx1EZPqh7BgCo2yPi4G8FXh2qJ64oKyLwnREcC6zwR_N8/s1600/IMG_8241.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4rAKk5I0XZjXEUdD9Ygwlcu0T3__S3lVH_CF15d7WQcZWx_47yx0ADOqXbIl8lQ1mL9wEArALxNccr6VXcjoJGYRzn_lJDtsx1EZPqh7BgCo2yPi4G8FXh2qJ64oKyLwnREcC6zwR_N8/s1600/IMG_8241.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a><br />
The spiky tactile glove is latex, fingerless, and reversible. Not as effective at preventing her from picking as I had hoped. Squishy stress ball star, sturdy textured light-up ball, and knotted rubber ball are great hand tools.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht4YjvhHrFGW17-zlUyZL_FXUhSUK3duAO5ENGhyphenhyphen0spaqhacV-tOhmZcczMNey71XANIYmWmx_4hukZ-Uv2nWcCnaJXLI1OziuLRlXenZxTTt4eca98zChCSdGYMScod4SprFlSC3Zz88/s1600/IMG_8242.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht4YjvhHrFGW17-zlUyZL_FXUhSUK3duAO5ENGhyphenhyphen0spaqhacV-tOhmZcczMNey71XANIYmWmx_4hukZ-Uv2nWcCnaJXLI1OziuLRlXenZxTTt4eca98zChCSdGYMScod4SprFlSC3Zz88/s1600/IMG_8242.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a><br />
Various types of pin art and rubix-type cubes.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ8vONZIiiS3GOAD4DjYFs9EOHsiSrNyir0NZ1HFbkHPn7BwoPhByRFsroWz69vH78d7vUQor3bTfPlsNHs_RhBxEIZWfA_cN406oWyIGA4pfqXmtHNbnYnCaLaemcU3RtqQyEQKPoWUU/s1600/IMG_8244.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ8vONZIiiS3GOAD4DjYFs9EOHsiSrNyir0NZ1HFbkHPn7BwoPhByRFsroWz69vH78d7vUQor3bTfPlsNHs_RhBxEIZWfA_cN406oWyIGA4pfqXmtHNbnYnCaLaemcU3RtqQyEQKPoWUU/s1600/IMG_8244.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="240" /></a>'<br />
We've created our own "Find-It" games from colored rice and empty bottles but the store bought one is all I took a photo of. The car wash mitt is awesome because I can add essential oils to it and they like the feel on their face/arms - or I add weight to it, such as a bag of dried beans. We have tons of visual timers, this hourglass style one isn't used to track time but rather for Dean to watch and kind of calm down. It fascinates him.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHddPvMd6LO5e06QhBCsh0__AYJ3EVeZlfBy7cc1PkiF32QsNi4PcYNVyM6ffmEfhHSStvQ-R-o3eR3ZLHXu_7esBULbslJMb2_CiDAvig1c0C70YimqpUSqMtZXL5rL4XTTgUPTrKzc4/s1600/IMG_8245.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHddPvMd6LO5e06QhBCsh0__AYJ3EVeZlfBy7cc1PkiF32QsNi4PcYNVyM6ffmEfhHSStvQ-R-o3eR3ZLHXu_7esBULbslJMb2_CiDAvig1c0C70YimqpUSqMtZXL5rL4XTTgUPTrKzc4/s1600/IMG_8245.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a><br />
I think the purple/blue thing is called the Tangle Jr, it can be taken apart and twisted into various shapes. The glitter wand is a nice visual calming tool and that stretchy lizard is seriously the coolest thing to fidget with!<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUVhXu1OexwAIge2DZl6o_CZOlhZlAe_bn1whyVhoclOmOHGlChQ7d75w8qQGS8qRVf_p7S2jORA4mr0J_ga21A-MQd2SpkzdraYET8NMGnnIZf1ArzWTQEcox8Oij9SjHNqUmJ_dAM1M/s1600/IMG_8248.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUVhXu1OexwAIge2DZl6o_CZOlhZlAe_bn1whyVhoclOmOHGlChQ7d75w8qQGS8qRVf_p7S2jORA4mr0J_ga21A-MQd2SpkzdraYET8NMGnnIZf1ArzWTQEcox8Oij9SjHNqUmJ_dAM1M/s1600/IMG_8248.JPG" style="cursor: move;" width="320" /></a><br />
We have tons of different types of bean bags, including several of these bunny rabbit ones. That game is Rubix brand and it is some type of electronic maze. Dean likes to sit in a quiet place and play it. <a href="http://simplyblessedjourney.blogspot.com/2013/08/glitter-bottles.html" target="_blank">Calm down bottles</a> are a great homemade addition to our fidgets.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPnHMuF16oK8XcP1HgU_H-nKQbkgUvzoe4EWlQrOeMSGYxRJuY4-MjybpGbqJ1TeOdRubXss34rKH6RgGX3ph8VjTJdJjDFprLB2ZZ-Y5RXJnhznoFdqmyIDvox0Ot4yiMvjh8ocJIsC4/s1600/IMG_9242.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPnHMuF16oK8XcP1HgU_H-nKQbkgUvzoe4EWlQrOeMSGYxRJuY4-MjybpGbqJ1TeOdRubXss34rKH6RgGX3ph8VjTJdJjDFprLB2ZZ-Y5RXJnhznoFdqmyIDvox0Ot4yiMvjh8ocJIsC4/s1600/IMG_9242.JPG" width="240" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihjxFoVmbVjnrkPmr7Z3wiL9GYoAGr6dVm0Tb0fFNM7rSS4dFFQiDc7eVCJJ8AIV7d9WsNwpBH3hxT2sISwxsHcdG3FgZio6FJZurtv94Hl8nghgbhHPJ4LUchB0ynqKMPSDo-LIjCH3I/s1600/IMG_9233.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihjxFoVmbVjnrkPmr7Z3wiL9GYoAGr6dVm0Tb0fFNM7rSS4dFFQiDc7eVCJJ8AIV7d9WsNwpBH3hxT2sISwxsHcdG3FgZio6FJZurtv94Hl8nghgbhHPJ4LUchB0ynqKMPSDo-LIjCH3I/s1600/IMG_9233.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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We store all our sensory bin items in the schoolroom - and always have a couple batches of homemade Gak/Flubber made up, This safely entertains the boys while I work with the older kids.<br />
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Julia is working on Scrabble Spelling. Dyslexia, Dysgraphia, trouble with fact recollection, and Phonemic Awareness Disorder have forced us to get creative when teaching spelling. One thing we love is Boggle - we use these worksheets that I write up boggle board rolls onto and they use that to look for words on the go - with no competition. Another thing we love is finding the "Scrabble" tile value of her words for each week. Oh, and Spelling Battleship has been fun!<br />
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The least visually appealing portion of the schoolroom is the "teacher stuff" below the archway. Filing cabinet, printer, table, ink, paper, under it is boxes of paper and CDs and cords. The filing cabinet is used as a place to play with our magnets. I've created story props by printing pictures from Pinterest and laminating and glueing a magnet to them. For example, I've got 5 silly monkeys, a mom on the phone, and a bed to jump on!<br />
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The verse of the week is written in chalk paint on this board in the entryway outside the schoolroom.</div>
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I love a good salad but definitely like to experiment with ingredients - a change from the basic lettuce, tomato, croutons, dressing... This salad was so good I ate it every day for a week!</div>
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Romaine lettuce, chopped</div>
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Fresh spinach </div>
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Candied walnuts</div>
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Dried cranberries</div>
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Crumbled bacon bits</div>
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Crumbled goat cheese</div>
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Buttered croutons</div>
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Sliced Granny Smith apple</div>
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Topped with Pomegranate vinaigrette</div>
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So simple, soooo good!<br />
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