Encouragement for the Weary at Heart

Some days I really need some encouragement.  That who I am and what I do matters.  That I am storing up my treasures in Heaven while treasuring my own slice of heaven at home.  If you're human, you have these days as well.

By tomorrow mid morning, in less than 5 days, I will have:
had 6 doctor appointments, 2 meetings, an ECFE class with Bruce, delivered 4 meals, went to several stores to pick up groceries for a friend from church, schooled my children 3 days (Monday was a holiday -although we did do some learning, and one day was just too busy), washed dishes 5 times, washed and folded 13 loads of laundry, pitched a tent, cleaned the turtle tank, cleaned the litter boxes, cooked for my own family, pumped milk for my meeting (that's on Saturday - it doesn't count in this list) and to donate, took my kids to the zoo, went to the pharmacy twice, showered twice (before you get grossed out you should volunteer to babysit 20 minutes instead), fought with the roof contractor, made s'mores and hot dogs on the fire, balanced both my checkbook and Advisory's (I'm treasurer for a PTA group), written 7 cards, paid bills, and cried.

Bruce is sitting in my lap, boob in mouth, sick with a fever of 102.2 (no idea why).  I'm awake b/c it is the only time I can get things done, and even then I am limited, as my lap and boob are currently in use, LOL.  Only way I can calm him down.

The pulmonologist prescribed several new meds for Taylor's asthma and is treating her bronchitis.  How did she get that sick?  We have too damn many doctors to see and too many ailments and too many meds - I simply struggle to keep track of it all and to prioritize.  Many days I am coasting on fumes to survive the day.  For example, today I ate a bowl of cereal, a potato topped with tomatoes (no dairy, remember?), a salad, 2 Coke's and 3 mini Kit Kat bars.  It doesn't really give me energy.

So I sat down to type.  I intended to complain, and I am a bit, but not as much as I had planned, believe me.  Instead I am overcome with gratitude.  Somehow it just started pouring out of me -- I'm glad for the lack of sleep and showers due to a sick baby because it means I HAVE a baby - he is alive and in my arms!  I am grateful for the 12 meds Taylor takes, the 5 for Julia, the 2 for Bruce, and the 7 for me because there IS medicine.  Taylor was having such trouble breathing and the inhaler and nebs have given great relief.

I'm grateful I was able to bless others with meals and running errands and a card of encouragement. I have been blessed in this manner more than once and am grateful I am well enough to do the same for others.  And I am grateful for this time awake with sick baby because I had failed to make time to read the Bible today.

Here are the scriptures I found encouraging today:

1 John 5:14 - "And this is the confidence we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will He hears us."  -- God hears my prayers!! He IS listening. It is important to note that it must be "according to His will."

Psalm 120:1 "I call on the Lord in my distress, and He answers me."

We prayed for Taylor to feel better - to be able to breathe and for her cough to go away.  Leaving her appointment yesterday, treatment plan including EIGHT meds in hand, is when I broke down in tears.  But it turns out, the meds helped and God did answer that prayer.  Today we prayed we'd find her glasses, missing since our campout Monday night.  Hoping for that pray to be answered promptly!

Matthew 11:28-29 - "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

I needed to hear this, as my body is just so weak.  I get very little sleep, I have a fever and my muscles hurt, I just feel weak, exhausted, worn out.  I was up till 3 am Tuesday night cooking and cleaning, then up before 7 to get to the doctor.  So I am seeking His rest - for my body AND my soul.  I've been discouraged none of it matters, but He assures us it does.

Psalm 55:22 - "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." and 1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

It is important for me to hear this today. I don't feel like anyone cares for me this week, honestly.  A number of things have led me to feeling useless, discouraged, lonely, and disheartened. If no one else, God cares.  He alone will sustain me when my energy is drained and I need to keep plugging forward!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

Wow. I am excited for that heavenly body and to be free of pain! A very dear friend is battling cancer and has been ill and suffering for a very long time. My heart aches for her and her family and my daughters remember to pray for her every day.  No matter what our ailment, our inner self is renewed each day.

Isaiah 41:10 - "So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."   -- I worry about money, about my children's health, about time management and honoring my commitments.  His Grace is sufficient!

So I am feeling renewed and encouraged.  Grateful for all my blessings. And ready to grab 3 hours of sleep before I plug forward and do it all again!

Where is my son?! Epic Fail

I have always described my 4 year old as delightful, entertaining, a total blessing.  He still is those things, but something else - challenging - is that the right word?! I think most parents, the good ones at least, question themselves on occasion.  I often wonder if I am doing a good job - am I the best parent for these precious children?! I love and raise them the best I know how.  I always try to do better, best I can. Looking for ways to improve, on my knees pleading with the Lord for parental wisdom.

Today I feel conflicted.  Am I epically failing as a momma? Or is there more nature involved in children's behaviors and personalities than I thought? Does all the blame fall on me? Less blame than I am giving myself credit for? Or is it normal?

I spent several days preparing Dean for his dentist appointment.  They have never gone well, he's never had a successful cleaning or complete exam.  But he knew what to expect, nothing new.  Due to his sensory issues teeth-brushing is a hellish ordeal daily.  I reward him for brushing, he refuses to let me help, I sneak in and brush them with water when he sleeps...

We get to the chair and he screams.  They have a special room for us.  The children's dental clinic is a bunch of chairs in one big room, and then one private room, reserved for the most challenging of patients.  My son. He doesn't want to hear the dental assistants spiel about the brush and chair and straw that sucks water. Doesn't care, seen it before.  She touches his mouth; the demon is released.  I had to put the baby down on the floor and hold Dean's arms and legs down.  He bit her, screamed, rolled his head, shook his whole body.

In the end I need to schedule his oral surgery at the children's hospital.  At least 4 cavities (couldn't get a great look), x-rays, cleaning, etc.  Was it my lack of follow through on his oral/dental care? I feel like such a failure.  A broke one who has no money to pay for this.  Before you offer a virtual hug and say "these things happen" I should admit BOTH my daughters also had oral surgery at age 4.  They were born with no enamel on their teeth and try as I might, I could not prevent the cavities.  I suck.

Dean challenges me.  Seriously.  I shelled out the money for Tball, he has LOVED playing in the yard with papa, even using his sister's pink bat (refused a new one) and helmet.  He was looking forward to the start of tball today for a couple months.  I know he never napped, but he's 4, I can't force it.  He had 2 hours of quiet time in his room.

 Running around the edge of field while others actually play.

Cooperating - before very many other kids have arrived.

 Crying on the bench when he should be batting.  Without his shoes. LOL - that's my son!

Showing off his awesome new Thirty-one cinch sac with a baseball that says "Dean James."

Dan says it was awful.  Despite knowing a couple of the kids, he refused to participate.  Threw sand, cried on the bench while other kids played, picked up the tee and ball in middle of game and tosses across the field.  Hard to explain, but it was BAD.  Now, I understand not every kid plays well, and that Dean has sensory issues with crowds and noises, but Dan and I are bummed.

This is my THIRD child to have these issues in group sports.  My kids never really had friends, and have even been bullied.  I just don't want to go through this again - to see another child refuse to socialize, be a loner, be friendless. Not invited to birthday parties or playdates.  It is so sad. Yesterday Dean had a playdate at the park with a friend from preschool.  They have been in special ed together since they were 2.  It took awhile to warm up, but they played nicely.  Not side by side, but together, interacting.  I was so encouraged.  Then today happens.

It would be different if ONE SINGLE OTHER child acted similar.  But they don't.  That is why I cry. I am a failure and I don't even know where I am going wrong or how to fix it!  What happened to my sweet boy? Where did he go?! Dean still cuddles with me all day, gives kisses, and says he loves me.  But there's a glint of evil in his eyes as he challenges me daily - he's brilliant,and he knows it!!

The High Price of Coupons - and other Rantings.

I love my children. But sometimes I am discouraged as a mom that I have just dropped the ball so low I'll never get it back. 

This is my sweet, loving, energetic, and delightfully entertaining 4 year old, Dean. He's super spoiled and rules the house.  First, my defense: I miscarried 6 times before I got pregnant with him.  I was on bedrest for FIVE months due to a subchorionic hemmorage (a hole in the placenta).  Each day I was terrified he would die if the hole got too big.  I had really grown to love parenting and was finally ready to have children (teen mom).  It was the first time I was congratulated for being pregnant. I had baby showers. People asked how I was feeling and brought meals and gifts.  THIS is what it felt like for normal people to have babies - and I got to experience it!

He arrived, alive.  So precious to all of us.  I also became a stay at home mom and breastfed for the first time.  Such a sweet bond.  We co-slept. We cuddled. I carried him in a wrap all the time.  By the time I had transitioned him to a crib at 10 months I was pregnant again.  A month later, February 4th, after over a week of spotting, insane pain, and daily doctor visits, we found this child was ectopic.  I woke from surgery to find I had lost the baby and my right tube.

I brought Dean back to my bed, I spoiled him. We all catered to him.  He had 3 mommies (awesome big sisters).  The next pregnancy lasted longer (17 weeks).  I went to the infusion center at the hospital EVERY DAY for IV fluids due to severe morning sickness (hyperemesis).  I couldn't care for him very well.  Potty training stopped; I wasn't able to get up and follow through.  Consistency went out the window and I did not discipline well.  He got whatever he wanted.

After the baby died, I was in a deep depression; I brought Dean back into my bed and spoiled him like crazy.  Then I was better and worked hard to re-train, reverse the bad behaviors he was displaying.  Then, when he was 3, I got pregnant again.  Sick. So flippin sick. More IVs, more doctor visits, more bedrest.  Forget consistency in potty training. Forget forcing him to clean up his toys.  This was survival mode.

For the 5 months since Bruce was born I have worked soooo hard to be consistent, patient, and follow through.  Dean does not sleep with me.  He wears underwear with minimal accidents. He writes and says the alphabet.  But the damage was done.  It is almost as if I mated with satan and he is our demon spawn.  Because he is NAUGHTY.

First stop: Costco.  I'm making meals for a couple friends who had babies and another friend who is sick, and a lady who is going through chemo.  I need groceries today!!

Dean runs across the store, proceeds to throw a 5 lb box of strawberries on the floor and stomp on them.  I'm holding him, kicking and screaming, with Bruce also on me in the Moby wrap.  I buckle him in, pick up the berries, and place a call to daddy to come get him.  I don't care if he's tired, it's NOT okay to act the way he does.  HOW did it get so bad?! HOW do I "fix" it??!

Next stop: Super Target.  Just me, Baby Brucie, and Taylor (she's having a "good" day and Julia is home with Dean).  Look how cooperative Bruce is being!! :) BEST shopping accessory ever!

I was initially proud of my great deals.  Like - 2 Juicy Juice 8 packs on sale 2 for $4. I had a manufacturer coupon for $1, a store coupon for $1 and Cartwheel savings for 10%.  I spent just $1.60 on both - minus another 5% with my Target RedCard.  There were tons of deals like this - Pull Ups with store, manufacturer, AND Cartwheel savings PLUS on sale AND a $10 giftcard when you buy 2!! This helps, since the $280 (precoupon) transaction was mostly (not all) for meals for others. (Plus a $260 Costco trip).

Cartwheel total savings: $8.45.  Time to checkout: 63 minutes. I had to ring up the transaction THREE, yes THREE times! The store had installed new computers the night before and we found out my Cartwheel coupon is what froze up the register (twice).  So for eight bucks I got to checkout 3 times whilst holding a hungry baby.  I still stand proudly behind my coupon usage! (I've seen the Extreme Couponing show and I am NOT extreme.  No shelf clearing, no multiple transactions. Curteous to cashier and other customers.)

Then I get to the car with my sky high cartfull of groceries, 3 Icees (can't get it for Taylor and not the other kids.  Yes, I made Dean earn his later), a baby in my arms, and a gianormous diaper bag. I see this:

Can't get baby, Taylor, or groceries into my van.  Ended up having to back out first.

Meanwhile this much room on the other side.  YES JACKHOLE, it DOES matter when you park poorly.  Take 3 seconds to see how well, or poorly, you've parked. Don't be a selfish monkey!

K, venting done. :)