14 Truths About Pregnancy After Loss

Pregnancy after loss is different. High risk pregnancy with hyperemesis after MULTIPLE losses at various stages of pregnancy for several different reasons is filled with sheer terror. As much as I WANT this baby, as much as I already LOVE it, I’m barely HAPPY or excited. Anxiety & Fear are the dominant emotions and dwarf any competing thoughts.

Okay, I know what you’re asking “Is this a pregnancy announcement?” Not exactly. I AM pregnant. (I've written a little bit about that pregnancy in this post.) However, the sad thing is I never know how long any pregnancy of mine will last. So with this post, my hope is it has staying power and value beyond THIS pregnancy. That others can relate to my experiences and not feel so alone. Because, let me tell you, I FEEL alone in these emotions.

My PAL Journey: Weeks 1-9

Pregnancy After Loss is more easily referred to as PAL.  I'm hoping to document MY pregnancy after loss - or my PAL journey.

Pregnancy after loss is different. High risk pregnancy with hyperemesis after MULTIPLE losses at various stages of pregnancy for several different reasons is filled with sheer terror.  As much as I WANT this baby, as much as I already LOVE it, I’m barely HAPPY or excited.  Anxiety & Fear are the dominant emotions and dwarf any competing thoughts.

I’m only 9 weeks pregnant and have already spent over 5 weeks with life at an absolute standstill. It’s been an adventure.  It isn’t even that interventions are needed so much as caution and awareness based on past history.  As of now, things are good. Meaning if I was an “ordinary” pregnant woman I’d be going in for my first routine visit just now. But I’m not normal. So every symptom must be investigated.

Honoring Your Marriage After Pregnancy Loss

Something I feel passionate in writing about is honoring your marriage and fostering your relationship after pregnancy loss.  My caveat is this: I am not a marriage expert. Nor am I a counselor or trained professional of any kind. But we are a couple who have gone through multiple pregnancy losses together. (At various stages of pregnancy and very different types and causes of loss.) I wanted to share what has worked for Dan & me.  Not every couple is the same nor is every situation, but these are things that were important for us.

1.) Recognize that you may grieve differently.  That you may have bonded with the child at different levels or in different ways.  Don't expect him to react the same way that you are and don't accuse him of not grieving. Dan allowed me to cry, to fall to pieces, and talk and share the details very publically (not every loss, but many of them).  It is not how he would do it but he understands that that is what grief looks like for me.  Find a way to grieve together.

2.) Don't put a time limit on grieving.  Dan gives me time to grieve the loss (there is often more than one thing you have "lost" in this situation) and does not pressure me to get back to normal or "feel better" faster.  The timeline is different for each person but it definitely does not go away as fast as other think it should.

Losing Oliver: Part 3 - The In-Between {Scriptures for Miscarriage}

 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” –Isaiah 43:2

These photos show me snuggling with Oliver and his bunny.  Once home my boys were fascinated by Oliver's bunny and blanket & Bruce especially has been spending a lot of time hugging them. They know it is a stuffed animal and not actually a baby but seem to understand that it is special.  Bruce says "oooh, so cute" before giving the bunny kisses.

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Dear Friend who asked me how I am doing - I sincerely apologize for not having an answer.  It's a question I do not know HOW to answer because I am entering the In-Between.  I am okay or great or devastated depending on when you ask (as in it changes hour to hour).  Dear Sweet Friend - THANK YOU for asking.  It means the world to me, it really does. 

Losing Oliver: Part 2 - Birth Story & Meeting My Son

Every birth story is beautiful.  Oliver's story is precious to me.  He has blessed me so much in his short life & I'll forever be grateful God has gifted me this treasure in heaven.  His story - even from conception - is so amazing & I grieve that it was so short.

I've been so sick I hadn't been taking many baby bump pictures so we snapped this last one in the hospital at 17 weeks 4 days (the day before he was actually born).

As much as I was in a hurry to meet my baby boy (as my pregnancy had not been easy & was wrought with anxiety) I was NOT prepared to meet him so soon.  We left the clinic Friday afternoon (where we found there was no longer a heartbeat) and were scheduled to return to the Mother Baby Center at the hospital at 6 that evening.

My mother & sister were waiting for us when we got there - they stayed the entire time, well past when Oliver was born.  I can say that having them there, that support, was an extreme comfort to me.  In fact, my support system in general right now is tremendous. My cup truly runneth over.

**Trigger Warning** 

Before I share the beautiful (detail-filled) story of Baby Oliver's birth I want to warn you of the graphic nature of the content.  I am including photos of his precious life at the end & if this is difficult for you to look at please be warned not to continue scrolling.

Losing Oliver: Part 1 (Denial)

I don't want to go through this again. It can't be real. It just can't. Numb. I'm numb. I keep telling Dan this isn't real, I am dreaming.  This is me asleep and any minute I will wake up and this won't be real anymore. Seriously, I can't go to the hospital - to the birth center - to deliver a dead baby. Again.

While all the women around me are having the happiest day of their lives I am having the worst. Again. I'd ask "Why?" but no answer would satisfy me.  I'm so broken.  I don't know how to live through this. I don't want to.

Yesterday was wrought with anxiety and fear.  I am 17 & a half weeks - this is the point of pregnancy I lost Bentlee and had to deliver her.  It is also almost the due date of the baby I lost this summer.  My paranoid meter was off the charts.  It has been for a week.

My Pregnancy Journey: Gender Reveal & 16 Week Update

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Pregnancy, for me, physically, is miserable. I'm in so much pain and am so sick that it can be all-consuming.  It's discouraging to still not feel well - especially with newer ailments that increase as I get further along (like the back/pelvic pain).  That's why days like today are so encouraging - they remind me WHY I love being pregnant (or at least why pregnancy is WORTH it).

Answered Prayers & The Road So Far: My Pregnancy Journey

I am in constant awe of how God answers prayers in a specific way.  Last night, prior to today's doctor appointment, my prayer was for CLEAR, absolute, and ACCURATE information.  Yes, Lord, I desire for my child to be alive - to have them safe in my arms this summer.  But trusting in Him means trusting that He is with me even in the bad.

This summer when we lost the baby it was weeks wrought with "maybes."  Maybe my dates were wrong. Maybe the growth will be better next week.  Maybe we will find the heartbeat in a few days. Maybe the heart just started beating and the rate will improve. Maybe it will be okay, the heartbeat will increase, and the baby will live.  Maybe the bleeding is normal.

So my prayer was that whatever is the status of this pregnancy, that it is made clear at my doctor visit. I don't want a maybe.  The past couple ultrasounds have shown a heartbeat BUT the very low end of normal. The growth is a tad behind (although that has been true of every pregnancy).  So the outcome of this pregnancy is still very much up in the air.

My regular OB sent me to the perinatal clinic for high risk patients. Often they consult - determine a plan for pregnancy - and send you back to the OB.  Last time they kept me on as their own patient for the duration of the pregnancy.  This place is critical to the health and safety of baby & me. Imagine my disappointment today when I find that I'm scheduled only for a consult and not for an ultrasound.

My nurse remembered me from last time AND recognized me from the Fraser waiting room!! I do so love those type of connections. As we discussed the plan for the pregnancy - including starting on blood thinner injections daily - I asked if we can be sure this is viable before going further.  She tries to do an abdominal bedside ultrasound.  This will not measure growth or even bpm - just verify the flickering heartbeat is there.  We find the baby but NO heartbeat.

She calls an ultrasound tech in and again, no heartbeat!! And I can't help but panic - and wonder "why aren't things more CLEAR?!"  They make room for us in the schedule to do a TV ultrasound in a room with the good equipment and a tech. While I wait, pantless, feet in stirrups, for 20 minutes for the tech to come in, fear consumes me. Would this really happen again?! I NEVER felt like something was wrong (I had the physical feelings of anxiety and fear but not the motherly instincts like a sense of impending doom).  Would I EVER trust my instincts again? Christmas will be ruined?!

Ways We Celebrated Christmas

{This post is full of stuff from LAST Christmas, but as time goes on this holiday season I will be adding as I go. Hope some of these are fun, new ideas for you to try with YOUR family!}

We love Christmas around here. I'm that annoying crazy lady that starts listening to carols and watching Christmas movies before Thanksgiving. I was proud of myself for holding off till after Halloween to start watching Holiday movies actually!

Here are my words of advice - do what makes YOU the best mom you can be.  As in if cooking or crafting aren't your thing and don't make you happy, don't do it.  If you just aren't feeling it this year, that's okay.  Give yourself permission to know your limits and reduce your vulnerability by staying within them.  When making 800 kinds of Christmas cookies when I'm fried will cause me to yell at the kids and cry about all the dishes then I DON'T make them! I curl up on the couch and read a book to the kids instead. They won't remember "we didn't bake cookies" or "we never went sledding" as much as they may remember "Mom was always yelling."  This may not be a concern for you but the concept still stands.

My Pregnancy Journey: Part 5 - A Special Kind of Luck

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." -John 14:27

Photo Credit CarlyMarie Photography

Here's what's on my heart tonight:

It's been a rough month. (And not just this whole pregnancy thing - there are other factors that have made this a difficult summer.) I can't seem to go about things the "easy" way.  The hyperemesis (morning sickness) was brutal. It was devastating, to say the least, that the baby had a slow heartbeat and we had to just sit and wait for the baby to die, which took another week.

After the baby no longer had a heartbeat 3 1/2 weeks ago, I took meds to induce the miscarriage to speed things along.  2 weeks later there were some complications (think: gross woman stuff), I was still so nauseous, and the pain was brutal.  To spare you further details, I'll just say I ended up at my OB's office 10 days after the start of the miscarriage process.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 4 - The Dark Place (Grief & Loss)

Damn You, Dark Place. I never wanted to see you again. I told you we're through. I demanded you leave me be. Yet you found me. You crept into my head and stealthily took hold of my heart.  It was familiar territory for you and you knew all the cracks in the walls. Getting in was easy. And while I know that God will carry me through any storm, I really didn't want this one to rage.

The pain. The deep, dark, lonely hurt. That anger I'm embarrassed to admit exists and the guilt that controls too many of my thoughts.  Guys, I'm hurting bad today. I KNOW God is in this, drawing me near, bringing me through to the other side, but I am so scared to go through this storm.

I've been here before. The thing is I'm not sure how long it will last. Already I'm doing much better than the days following Bentlee's death. The intensity of the pain is just as deep but the frequency is not as all-consuming.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 3 - Goodbye Without Hello

This morning I woke up 9 weeks (and 1 day) pregnant.  Tonight I am no longer pregnant.  The baby passed away some time between Monday and today, Wednesday.  Today's ultrasound revealed that Baby no longer has a heartbeat. She is now safe in the arms of God.

(I do not know the gender - but something I've learned with 10 losses is personalizing the child helps with grief.  I'm choosing girl because my hyperemesis/morning sickness is far worse with girls than boys in my personal experience.)

Late Sunday night I went to the emergency room to score some IV fluids and nausea meds (they are more effective in IV form for me).  I had lost 15 lbs (8% of my body weight), was dehydrated, weak, and could not stop throwing up or keep anything down.  I did feel much better after a few liters of fluid and a new anti-nausea med prescription. I've even been able to eat a bit the past couple days!

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 2 - The Waiting Game

Today's ultrasound did not go well.  I'm 8 weeks and 2 days.  It has been over 2 weeks since my previous ultrasound.  In that time the growth of the baby has been equivalent to "5 days" and places me at 6 weeks and 1 day along.  That actually puts conception a week AFTER my first positive pregnancy test. Measuring THAT far behind is NOT good,

The other bad news is that Baby's heartbeat is really slow at 42 bpm; it should be between 110 and 160 for this stage of pregnancy.  The doctor told me not to be optimistic - at this point there is nothing that can be done.  I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week to check up on Baby - unless I naturally miscarry before then.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 1 - 8 weeks

Today I am 8 weeks pregnant. That may not seem like a lot, but for my pregnancies, and the unique type of drama that accompanies them, 8 weeks is a long time.  It has been 5 weeks of hardcore anxiety, surprise, fear, delight, and sickness. 

Oh, the sickness.  Pregnancy is like being drunk.  Every single second of the day is that hungover feeling where your head is pounding, totally dehydrated, thirsty, and the all-consuming need to vomit.  However, this vomiting brings NO relief.  I simply throw up everything - which is often only stomach acid & bile because I'm too sick to eat - and have it coming out my nose and getting stuck in chunks at the back of my throat.  

I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks (where were those results when I actually wanted to lose weight?!) and feel completely dehydrated and weak.  It's causing headaches and there's this unending feeling of nausea. All that extra saliva cannot be swallowed or I'll throw up.  I can hardly breathe (my nose is always plugged but now mouth breathing is vomit-inducing). 

Busy Bags for On the Go Entertainment

We spend SO MUCH time in the waiting room at appointments (doctor offices and especially tons of therapies) or in the car.  With 4 kids it can be chaos getting out the door. We need coats, shoes, snacks, diapers, and entertainment.  So, to solve that last one we put together ready-made, grab-and-go busy bags.

I dug through the schoolroom and the kids' bedrooms and collected a much-more-massive-than-is-necessary slew of travel toys.  I stuffed the items in bags - some are geared towards my boys (6 and 2) and the others for my girls (10 and 13) but most are a mixture.  Before we head out the door we grab a bag (sometimes 2 if all 4 kids are going, but often the girls don't mind playing with whatever the boys have).

At present I haven't labeled the bags because the kids have fun with the mystery of it. The bags in the picture are actually thermal lunch bags I found at Michael's for $2 a piece.  I have a few more to pack up so I'll likely use some gallon ziploc bags or some cheap thrift shop find.  The various containers and pencil pouches were all randomly collected over my homeschooling and clearance shopping years.

Hope these Busy Bag/Travel Activities give you some ideas!