Answered Prayers & The Road So Far: My Pregnancy Journey

I am in constant awe of how God answers prayers in a specific way.  Last night, prior to today's doctor appointment, my prayer was for CLEAR, absolute, and ACCURATE information.  Yes, Lord, I desire for my child to be alive - to have them safe in my arms this summer.  But trusting in Him means trusting that He is with me even in the bad.

This summer when we lost the baby it was weeks wrought with "maybes."  Maybe my dates were wrong. Maybe the growth will be better next week.  Maybe we will find the heartbeat in a few days. Maybe the heart just started beating and the rate will improve. Maybe it will be okay, the heartbeat will increase, and the baby will live.  Maybe the bleeding is normal.

So my prayer was that whatever is the status of this pregnancy, that it is made clear at my doctor visit. I don't want a maybe.  The past couple ultrasounds have shown a heartbeat BUT the very low end of normal. The growth is a tad behind (although that has been true of every pregnancy).  So the outcome of this pregnancy is still very much up in the air.

My regular OB sent me to the perinatal clinic for high risk patients. Often they consult - determine a plan for pregnancy - and send you back to the OB.  Last time they kept me on as their own patient for the duration of the pregnancy.  This place is critical to the health and safety of baby & me. Imagine my disappointment today when I find that I'm scheduled only for a consult and not for an ultrasound.

My nurse remembered me from last time AND recognized me from the Fraser waiting room!! I do so love those type of connections. As we discussed the plan for the pregnancy - including starting on blood thinner injections daily - I asked if we can be sure this is viable before going further.  She tries to do an abdominal bedside ultrasound.  This will not measure growth or even bpm - just verify the flickering heartbeat is there.  We find the baby but NO heartbeat.

She calls an ultrasound tech in and again, no heartbeat!! And I can't help but panic - and wonder "why aren't things more CLEAR?!"  They make room for us in the schedule to do a TV ultrasound in a room with the good equipment and a tech. While I wait, pantless, feet in stirrups, for 20 minutes for the tech to come in, fear consumes me. Would this really happen again?! I NEVER felt like something was wrong (I had the physical feelings of anxiety and fear but not the motherly instincts like a sense of impending doom).  Would I EVER trust my instincts again? Christmas will be ruined?!

Ways We Celebrated Christmas

{This post is full of stuff from LAST Christmas, but as time goes on this holiday season I will be adding as I go. Hope some of these are fun, new ideas for you to try with YOUR family!}

We love Christmas around here. I'm that annoying crazy lady that starts listening to carols and watching Christmas movies before Thanksgiving. I was proud of myself for holding off till after Halloween to start watching Holiday movies actually!

Here are my words of advice - do what makes YOU the best mom you can be.  As in if cooking or crafting aren't your thing and don't make you happy, don't do it.  If you just aren't feeling it this year, that's okay.  Give yourself permission to know your limits and reduce your vulnerability by staying within them.  When making 800 kinds of Christmas cookies when I'm fried will cause me to yell at the kids and cry about all the dishes then I DON'T make them! I curl up on the couch and read a book to the kids instead. They won't remember "we didn't bake cookies" or "we never went sledding" as much as they may remember "Mom was always yelling."  This may not be a concern for you but the concept still stands.

My Pregnancy Journey: Part 5 - A Special Kind of Luck

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." -John 14:27

Photo Credit CarlyMarie Photography

Here's what's on my heart tonight:

It's been a rough month. (And not just this whole pregnancy thing - there are other factors that have made this a difficult summer.) I can't seem to go about things the "easy" way.  The hyperemesis (morning sickness) was brutal. It was devastating, to say the least, that the baby had a slow heartbeat and we had to just sit and wait for the baby to die, which took another week.

After the baby no longer had a heartbeat 3 1/2 weeks ago, I took meds to induce the miscarriage to speed things along.  2 weeks later there were some complications (think: gross woman stuff), I was still so nauseous, and the pain was brutal.  To spare you further details, I'll just say I ended up at my OB's office 10 days after the start of the miscarriage process.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 4 - The Dark Place (Grief & Loss)

Damn You, Dark Place. I never wanted to see you again. I told you we're through. I demanded you leave me be. Yet you found me. You crept into my head and stealthily took hold of my heart.  It was familiar territory for you and you knew all the cracks in the walls. Getting in was easy. And while I know that God will carry me through any storm, I really didn't want this one to rage.

The pain. The deep, dark, lonely hurt. That anger I'm embarrassed to admit exists and the guilt that controls too many of my thoughts.  Guys, I'm hurting bad today. I KNOW God is in this, drawing me near, bringing me through to the other side, but I am so scared to go through this storm.

I've been here before. The thing is I'm not sure how long it will last. Already I'm doing much better than the days following Bentlee's death. The intensity of the pain is just as deep but the frequency is not as all-consuming.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 3 - Goodbye Without Hello

This morning I woke up 9 weeks (and 1 day) pregnant.  Tonight I am no longer pregnant.  The baby passed away some time between Monday and today, Wednesday.  Today's ultrasound revealed that Baby no longer has a heartbeat. She is now safe in the arms of God.

(I do not know the gender - but something I've learned with 10 losses is personalizing the child helps with grief.  I'm choosing girl because my hyperemesis/morning sickness is far worse with girls than boys in my personal experience.)

Late Sunday night I went to the emergency room to score some IV fluids and nausea meds (they are more effective in IV form for me).  I had lost 15 lbs (8% of my body weight), was dehydrated, weak, and could not stop throwing up or keep anything down.  I did feel much better after a few liters of fluid and a new anti-nausea med prescription. I've even been able to eat a bit the past couple days!

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 2 - The Waiting Game

Today's ultrasound did not go well.  I'm 8 weeks and 2 days.  It has been over 2 weeks since my previous ultrasound.  In that time the growth of the baby has been equivalent to "5 days" and places me at 6 weeks and 1 day along.  That actually puts conception a week AFTER my first positive pregnancy test. Measuring THAT far behind is NOT good,

The other bad news is that Baby's heartbeat is really slow at 42 bpm; it should be between 110 and 160 for this stage of pregnancy.  The doctor told me not to be optimistic - at this point there is nothing that can be done.  I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week to check up on Baby - unless I naturally miscarry before then.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 1 - 8 weeks

Today I am 8 weeks pregnant. That may not seem like a lot, but for my pregnancies, and the unique type of drama that accompanies them, 8 weeks is a long time.  It has been 5 weeks of hardcore anxiety, surprise, fear, delight, and sickness. 

Oh, the sickness.  Pregnancy is like being drunk.  Every single second of the day is that hungover feeling where your head is pounding, totally dehydrated, thirsty, and the all-consuming need to vomit.  However, this vomiting brings NO relief.  I simply throw up everything - which is often only stomach acid & bile because I'm too sick to eat - and have it coming out my nose and getting stuck in chunks at the back of my throat.  

I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks (where were those results when I actually wanted to lose weight?!) and feel completely dehydrated and weak.  It's causing headaches and there's this unending feeling of nausea. All that extra saliva cannot be swallowed or I'll throw up.  I can hardly breathe (my nose is always plugged but now mouth breathing is vomit-inducing). 

Busy Bags for On the Go Entertainment

We spend SO MUCH time in the waiting room at appointments (doctor offices and especially tons of therapies) or in the car.  With 4 kids it can be chaos getting out the door. We need coats, shoes, snacks, diapers, and entertainment.  So, to solve that last one we put together ready-made, grab-and-go busy bags.

I dug through the schoolroom and the kids' bedrooms and collected a much-more-massive-than-is-necessary slew of travel toys.  I stuffed the items in bags - some are geared towards my boys (6 and 2) and the others for my girls (10 and 13) but most are a mixture.  Before we head out the door we grab a bag (sometimes 2 if all 4 kids are going, but often the girls don't mind playing with whatever the boys have).

At present I haven't labeled the bags because the kids have fun with the mystery of it. The bags in the picture are actually thermal lunch bags I found at Michael's for $2 a piece.  I have a few more to pack up so I'll likely use some gallon ziploc bags or some cheap thrift shop find.  The various containers and pencil pouches were all randomly collected over my homeschooling and clearance shopping years.

Hope these Busy Bag/Travel Activities give you some ideas!

Sensory Bin Palooza (and this month's school games)

So we're studying geology in school this semester and I thought these chocolate rocks would be a hit. I was right.

 I added some colored paper to an old cardboard scrapbooking-supply-bin and gave Bruce his bin of vehicle manipulatives and he went right to work sorting them into the colored bins.  It was fun to dump them into the wrong color and have him calmly "fix" it.

It wouldn't be a complete blog post without overwhelming you with photos of some of the sensory bins we had this month -- since our "theme" is Spring and Colors they involved a lot of colored items:

Dyeing popcorn kernels was NOT as easy as anything I've done before! This photo does not include the blue/purple because they took longer to soak in color and dye. 

I found these AWESOME pasta noodles at Aldi for $2 per bag! They came in Farm Animals and Traveling Vehicles.  Although they were fun all on their own I did pull out all the natural ones (some had been dyed with spinach and carrot powder already) to add some color to them.  I couldn't help myself!

So pretty, right?! We pulled out trains of every color and glued them to cardstock after we read Freight Train - a book about trains of each color.

Dollar Store straws cut into pieces - Bruce and Dean enjoyed cutting them up more than playing with them.  We later strung them onto pipe cleaners for a little fine motor skill-building.

Water beads are messy. But they are so fun. So I tried again (I swore I'd never buy them again a year ago). Yeah, it happened again.  Dean chopped them up with spoons and they got stuck in the grooves of the wood floor.  There won't be a next time, but if there is, I'll lay down a sheet first. :)

 Lentils. And no, I haven't colored these. 

 They can't all be a slam dunk.  For me, shaving cream (and cornstarch) was an epic fail.  All my preventative measures did nothing to hinder the mess this made.  I can handle a lot when it comes to sensory play but this required far too much clean up to be worth it.

Bruce enjoys sitting IN the sensory bins.  So I found him a bigger bin.  He's playing with colored rice here. He's allergic to rice only if he eats it or it gets into his system. 

Hayden and Dean use pirate ships in everything.  Dry beans this time. 

We had this awesome St Patrick's Day Treasure Hunt! I downloaded a really creative freebie from the teacherspayteachers site and hung up the clues where they fit. The goodie bags were filled with rainbow candies (Mike & Ike, fruit gummies, part of a Nerds rope, rainbow sour straws, Easter mini erasers, a stretchy bunny fidget, a love note, and some stickers.  Then I added some curling ribbon for flair. Okay, I spent longer prepping for this than it took the kids to find the treasure, but they really enjoyed it. Worth it. 

Ended our ordinary day today with a round of Doodle Dice and a homemade Contraction Concentration game.

Our Homeschool Journey: Sensory Friendly School Room

Cran Apple Salad

I love a good salad but definitely like to experiment with ingredients - a change from the basic lettuce, tomato, croutons, dressing... This salad was so good I ate it every day for a week!

Romaine lettuce, chopped

Fresh spinach

Candied walnuts

Dried cranberries

Crumbled bacon bits

Crumbled goat cheese

Buttered croutons

Sliced Granny Smith apple

Topped with Pomegranate vinaigrette

So simple, soooo good!