My Pregnancy Journey:Part 4 - The Dark Place (Grief & Loss)

Damn You, Dark Place. I never wanted to see you again. I told you we're through. I demanded you leave me be. Yet you found me. You crept into my head and stealthily took hold of my heart.  It was familiar territory for you and you knew all the cracks in the walls. Getting in was easy. And while I know that God will carry me through any storm, I really didn't want this one to rage.

The pain. The deep, dark, lonely hurt. That anger I'm embarrassed to admit exists and the guilt that controls too many of my thoughts.  Guys, I'm hurting bad today. I KNOW God is in this, drawing me near, bringing me through to the other side, but I am so scared to go through this storm.

I've been here before. The thing is I'm not sure how long it will last. Already I'm doing much better than the days following Bentlee's death. The intensity of the pain is just as deep but the frequency is not as all-consuming.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 3 - Goodbye Without Hello

This morning I woke up 9 weeks (and 1 day) pregnant.  Tonight I am no longer pregnant.  The baby passed away some time between Monday and today, Wednesday.  Today's ultrasound revealed that Baby no longer has a heartbeat. She is now safe in the arms of God.

(I do not know the gender - but something I've learned with 10 losses is personalizing the child helps with grief.  I'm choosing girl because my hyperemesis/morning sickness is far worse with girls than boys in my personal experience.)

Late Sunday night I went to the emergency room to score some IV fluids and nausea meds (they are more effective in IV form for me).  I had lost 15 lbs (8% of my body weight), was dehydrated, weak, and could not stop throwing up or keep anything down.  I did feel much better after a few liters of fluid and a new anti-nausea med prescription. I've even been able to eat a bit the past couple days!

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 2 - The Waiting Game

Today's ultrasound did not go well.  I'm 8 weeks and 2 days.  It has been over 2 weeks since my previous ultrasound.  In that time the growth of the baby has been equivalent to "5 days" and places me at 6 weeks and 1 day along.  That actually puts conception a week AFTER my first positive pregnancy test. Measuring THAT far behind is NOT good,

The other bad news is that Baby's heartbeat is really slow at 42 bpm; it should be between 110 and 160 for this stage of pregnancy.  The doctor told me not to be optimistic - at this point there is nothing that can be done.  I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week to check up on Baby - unless I naturally miscarry before then.

My Pregnancy Journey:Part 1 - 8 weeks

Today I am 8 weeks pregnant. That may not seem like a lot, but for my pregnancies, and the unique type of drama that accompanies them, 8 weeks is a long time.  It has been 5 weeks of hardcore anxiety, surprise, fear, delight, and sickness. 

Oh, the sickness.  Pregnancy is like being drunk.  Every single second of the day is that hungover feeling where your head is pounding, totally dehydrated, thirsty, and the all-consuming need to vomit.  However, this vomiting brings NO relief.  I simply throw up everything - which is often only stomach acid & bile because I'm too sick to eat - and have it coming out my nose and getting stuck in chunks at the back of my throat.  

I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks (where were those results when I actually wanted to lose weight?!) and feel completely dehydrated and weak.  It's causing headaches and there's this unending feeling of nausea. All that extra saliva cannot be swallowed or I'll throw up.  I can hardly breathe (my nose is always plugged but now mouth breathing is vomit-inducing).